So I'm in overload at the moment... so much so that I don't know where to start.
Lets start with sex.
This morning bf came to keep me company in bed after I woke up. We ended up having sex. Since it had been over a month since we'd had any it was very unlikely that I'd be able to reach orgasm mainly due to the fact that bf can't last long enough. So it was a constant fight to keep him from cuming. We played it well though. Bf tried to get me to cum before penetration, but it wasn't happening, although I was enjoying it thoroughly, I just wasn't ready yet. Then I was on top for a while, but it was too good, and we had to stop before bf came. So then I just laid on my back while bf's hand was under my ass, one finger slipped in there, and one in my pussy and I decided that If I wanted to cum I had to work my clit myself, and It was good, really good, I made lots of noise, it was one of those orgasms that has a steady intensity and than it hits the maximum climax... but bf pulled his hands away before I actually reached the total climax, I guess I'm considering it an orgasm anyhow, it was basically full blown, it just hadn't ended. But then I had to have more, so I jumped on top of him, slid his cock inside me, and to keep him from cuming I kept stimulating, there was no movement at all... I was still, with him inside me, stimulating my clit. His hands on my ass keeping me in place, and I had a massive orgasm, and was yelling so loud that bf had to stick his hand in my mouth... ok so the palm... I ended up biting down pretty hard, he actually said "ow". lol - Good start to a good day.
The concert is this evening. I have my ticket. I texted Co-worker to tell him but I haven't heard back. I wonder if he is afraid of his gf seeing it or something. I'm a little worried that he'll end up abandoning me to hang out with his friend and leave me in a corner somewhere hating the concert... It's not like this interests me much... but I'm sure I'll flirt with others if that happens.
The conversation the other day with Rob, the one that lasted an hour was basically him starting to bail on me. Except this time he's talking about it. Telling me to my face. He's talking about his fears and his thoughts. He says that his main fear is his emotions. He's afraid of what he'll feel afterward. He's afraid of "falling hard" for me. I'll throw in that he's probably afraid of his guilt. But on the other side he's afraid that he will regret it if he doesn't do it. Which is something that may push him to meet me.
What I really got out of that conversation was that our feelings for each other are probably stronger than we'd both like to admit. And the fact that I've been battling with this thought for so long really helps me put things into perspective. I now understand him and where I stand with him a bit better. I had never really understood, I was always doubting, wondering and of course a lot of guesswork.
I caught him online again last night, this time no audio. I asked him a few last things, things that had been nagging at me. One is still nagging and he wants to keep it that way.
I asked him about what he got out of this "relationship", why he keeps on with me. I asked him if I was a burden.. I sometimes feel like I'm getting more out of the situation than he is. He said he gets plenty out of it... and who cares who gets more (at least that was my interpretation).
Most of all I confronted him on the fact that I don't know his real last name. I still don't get it. He doesn't want to tell me. Says he wants to keep some anonymity, and he wants it to bug me.... kinda a tease I guess.
We talked about trust a bit. I asked him if he trusted me and he answered 100%. But if he doesn't want to tell me his last name to me that means that he doesn't trust me. When I kept asking, he said that it sounded like I didn't trust him... which I obviously do since he's in my Facebook friends, he knows my full name, last name, where I live, basically everything. Whereas I know nothing about where he is, what his name is... I don't feel like we're on even ground.
I told him that it didn't matter. That he didn't have to tell me. That it wouldn't change anything. It's the truth it won't. I will keep on wondering though, and to me it means that he doesn't trust me.
So there it is folks... the whole long story.