Monday, April 18, 2011


Work was more than normal. There was no mention of the night out and even less touching than normal... almost avoiding touching. But we joked and talked as if nothing were different. There was only one hint at a comment he made. He asked me to raise my left hand fast... I always have to think about it because my brain doesn't register the foreign language right away. It was something he had me doing on occasion throughout our night.  And so today he asked me while I wasn't paying attention today at work...
His friend Andy answered me on fb the other day, and this evening told me to look at the moon on my wall. Now I'm starting to wonder whether this Andy guy is interested in me, maybe he saw my pic on Co-worker's page or something and asked him to organize something... who knows... I get all sorts of crazy ideas. Anyhow I do like Andy he's cool, but I don't know him well enough to say that I'm really attracted to him. I have more feeling/attraction for co-worker.

Bf and I are going through a really rough few days and he as hinted at separating. It's hard to tell with him what the heck he's trying to get at, and I keep asking him, and he keeps backing out of his so called angry decisions. He now wants to stop doing anything at all for me. He's sick and tired of cooking for me, doing my laundry and doing the shopping for the both of us... I don't blame him. So he wants to separate it all. I'll do my own cooking, and washing up, groceries, laundry and whatever else.
It makes perfect sense to me. But he started it all with saying that we should live like a separated couple and when pushed about what he meant and I asked if he wanted to get separate apartments he said, we can't do that right away, we have to wait a bit first because our contract ends in June.

So who knows what the heck he's got on his brain... I'm confused. I had even thought of it, of saying that I wanted to move out. But I was afraid it would sound like the only reason for me to stay with him was because he was cooking and cleaning and whatever else, so if he stopped I wouldn't be able to handle living together without it.

I don't know if we're both thinking the same thing and just afraid to say it, or whether he really does want to stay on with me and just not continue doing what he has been doing.
I don't know what I want. I really don't. Sometimes things seem to be fine for so long, and then all hell breaks loose with everything and things fall apart. Sometimes I think that all I really want is my space and other times when I know I'd really miss him. But how much does one weigh over the other?...

He's convinced I don't love him, and that I don't show my love for him... I think he needs someone to cook and clean for him. I think that's the only "type" of love that he understands he was brought up that way. And vice versa I feel like I need some kind of intellectual counterpart, someone I can talk to about music or art or films and have them understand something.

One of the great things about going out the other eve to the concert was the fact that we spoke about music, and they understood what I was talking about and we were having cool conversations about different types of music and I miss that so much it hurts sometimes. I NEED that kind of interaction with people and it would be nice to have that with my partner. But he can't give that to me and I can't give him what he wants.

I've been missing Rob terribly during this whole period, the weekend, apart from the concert that was kinda harsh. I wished I could just escape and spend hours online with him, but it doesn't work that way. I had to force myself not to text him today. I couldn't stop thinking about him and just wanting to hear from him. But I worry that I get to be too much sometimes and I try to force myself lay off. The nice thing was I came home to an email from him saying that he was thinking about me and asked when I'd be on. That made me smile and I was definitely thankful for the contact.

I will update on the bf situation. And the Co-worker situation of course.


Johanna said...

So sorry things are bad with bf... I think it sounds really strange after you've been together for so long that you wouldn't team up and both take your shares at doing household work. I understand that he doesn't want to do it all, but the solution would be to ask you to do your share, not for each to cook for themselves... that's not being partners/lovers, that's being flatmates, at most.

I understand so perfectly well what you mean by missing Rob and wanting to talk all the time and forcing yourself to not even send a message... you describe it well. I also understand your smile at getting that email... I have a good feeling about this :-)

Advizor54 said...

Aaaah, blogger ate my comment.

I was saying, and now only have 10 min to finish and get out to the bus, that if youare expecting the other person to fulfill unmet needs now, after so long together, someone has to start behaving differently. You are right that he doesn't just want to stop cooking for you, he wants you to start caring fo rhim as mamma did. you don't want him to stop ignoring you, you want him actively engaged in your intellectual life. It's not about stopping 1 thing, its about doing something totally new. After 18 years of fighting this battle at home, I understand it's not going to change.

As for Andy? Of course he thinks you are beautiful and fun and witty, but he's trying to figure you and CW out so he knows if it's safe and acceptable to make a play. Maybe the threesome idea would be a good audition for both of them... :-)