I think it may be easily summed up in a few sentences.
Bf is a person I have always really cared for. He is not a terrible person, we are just very incompatible. We go months without arguing and then the big one hits and on occasion it's so bad I feel like things are falling apart and I even consider leaving him quite seriously. I probably should leave him on the one hand. But on the other we've been together for 13 years, we are generally happy together even if a lot of (but not all) my energy is spent on line with Rob.
When bf yesterday saw that the tension was wearing off towards the end of the argument he joked about buying a house and the fact that he even tried bringing it up made me genuinely laugh. He came over hugged me and told me he loves me, and that made me smile and tell him that he sometimes drives me crazy.
I appreciate all your comments and thoughts. Every one of you has given me something to think about and to consider. That is why I have the blog in the first place. I need that input to be able to understand things that are going on around me. I am not always objective enough to see everything.
I have not stopped considering moving out. I am still thinking about it, but obviously when things are "good" with bf it's harder to make that decision, but as Michael said in the comments, it's better to make those decisions with a clear mind.
Answers to your comments on my last post
John: thanks for the support, I have a wonderful support group here on line, and out in the real world as well. I have friends that always come out of the woodwork no matter what. So I am always thankful.
That Girl: Thanks hon, You got it exactly, I hate being in that state in a public place, I'm always afraid of losing it completely.
Anon #1: You're right. And this is why I'm still considering moving out, I don't think I've ever abandoned the possibility, it's often just easier to try to make things work than take that leap of faith so to speak.
Anon #2: I get the feeling you haven't been following for very long... or maybe you just got the wrong impression, or maybe I let the wrong impression slip through the cracks of my description of bf.
He has never treated me like crap. He has always treated me like gold, although there are communication problems between us that may never be sorted and we are extremely incompatible. We would probably be happier with other people in our lives, we are exact polar opposites.
I think though that you are right on one thing. I am rationalising my staying, but not because he treats me bad, but because I'd probably or possibly be happier on my own.
Advizor: you are right, crying helps, I have done a fair amount of that. Bf is being very cuddly and warm after the storm and yes I am lapping it up.
Panther: You know... you guys are just amazing. I have said it before, to john above, I am often amazed at the amount of support I get when times are tough. I really should be kissing the ground that you guys all walk on!!
Johanna: The foooood!! you have no idea... they can spend HOURS and HOURS just eating!!! I'm glad to be moving away from that importance unless of course it's a party ;-) Cooking my own stuff is a great solution.
Malcom: You are absolutely right... I always thought I was a strong independent woman, but in reality I just want to have someone decisive... I think you have me squared right down!
I totally understand about not being able to follow things, so don't worry about this blog, It's a mess!! I doubt you have any problems though, you've got the gist of the situation down perfectly. In fact your last "paragraph" about not lacking men in my life and needing to be swept off... is exactly how I feel. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.