Distractions

Arg I'm supposed to be working on a translation, but I can't concentrate. My mind keeps wandering. I keep checking my email to see if he's written me back, I keep checking my sitemeter to see if he's been on the blog. Damn him for taking over my brain.... ok... no I love it... I can't do without it now.

Bf and I had sex again this morning. It was better, well more similar to what we've always done. And this time I got off. It wasn't a mind blowing orgasm or anything. It was nice though. I do feel a little guilty. When I have sex with bf I've always only thought of him fucking me. I've never ever voluntarily thought of anyone else. I find thinking about someone else during sex a bit low. I think that it can happen without you really wanting it, flashes of memory and such. But actually thinking of someone else to get off is not a nice thing to do. Today though, I did.

I was on top, bf was slowly easing in and out of me from below, it was sweet and soft, he was touching me all over when I grabbed his hand and placed it on my ass. He knows what that means. He eased a finger in slowly, and as I got closer, I didn't want to lose the possibility of having an orgasm. bf would have been worried if I didn't cum this time. I was going to loose it if I couldn't wrap my mind around it. So I pictured Rob forcing my head down onto his cock, that time when I was kneeling on the floor and he came all over me.

That was it, I came, that's all I needed. I wanted to grab bf's other hand to take his fingers into my mouth to help me, but when I grabbed his arm it ended up in the wrong place and I ended up drooling all over his forearm instead lol...

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I wanted to thank my commenters John, Frenchy, Advizor, Johanna, and Ebony (Mike on occasion). You guys and any others who have commented on previous posts have really helped me. Each one of you has a pinch of advice or knowledge or insight that brings me a step closer to understanding. You guys are just as good as my dad, my best friend or any counsellor. The mix of you is perfect, it's a perfect balance. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I don't think this blog would be much use to me without you. Forgive me if I don't answer you all individually every time though. Believe me I take everything you guys say and I store it, I use it, I process it. 

Today I do want to answer you all though, because each of you has said something important:

John- Thank you for that insight. I've never been in that situation or conscious of being there so your experience really does help me understand what bf is doing. The situation has lightened in the past few days, but it doesn't mean that things don't need to change. We are moving along as if nothing happened instead.

Frenchy- Yes my dad is an amazing person, I should probably be bold and tell him that some day soon. I will try to go for it!

Advizor- You are right, sex is an easy area to change. He feels more comfortable showing emotions when he is having sex with me as well. But it's in the day to day things that things need to change. And I'm still not sure I feel comfortable forcing change on him. I need to figure that out.

Johanna- So much insight and so spot on (as usual) you and I see things in such similar ways it scares me sometimes. You're right, I will never be 100% sure of what I'm doing. You're right, I need to take the leap. You're right, I'll probably look back and wonder, and I'll never be sure if I made the right decision. Thank you for telling me that I don't owe it to bf to really give it my best, because that 's hard to hear and I think I needed to hear it and hear it said logically. I don't know what I want, I have no idea what I want. I think at the moment I just need to figure out whether bf is going to be part of that unknown future or not. That's why I need a counsellor, I need help figuring that out. 

Ebony- I think you and my dad are both right, I have made up my mind, I just worry that it's not the right decision... I need to figure that out... I don't know where my guts are at the moment, sometimes they feel too close to my heart and other times they feel like their in my brain, I need to separate all of that and figure it all out.

Thank you all, thank you thank you thank you! 

And I have new (and of course old) followers who are lurking, Thanks for reading, I love watching my daily views go up on my sitemeter. If I didn't have readers and followers this would be a pretty depressing place for me. I can actually come to my blog no matter how dire things are, and I can smile because of you all. So THANKS! 

The Saga...

Will it or won't it continue??

Ahh the questions of life...

I have been talking to my best friend back home and my dad and I even talked to Floyd on Skype today. My dad is the one that I can relate to the easiest, he has been telling me the same thing for years. "Follow your gut. If you feel like something needs to change, then that's what needs to happen, it doesn't matter whether you know what you want or not, that part will come naturally later". 
He says to be true to myself. I answer, I'll try, he says, there's no trying... you just do it.
My guru father says that I don't have an internet addiction, "that's just bullshit" was his answer. But then again if I did have an addiction, his would be worse than mine.

I told bf that I wanted to go see a counsellor. It's not really part of the culture here, but I did go after my mother passed away years ago. And I went through a crisis and came out of it with her help. She said things that bf didn't like though. He asked me not to go. He asked me to wait to see how things go, try to find a studio space first. But I want to go now before getting a studio space. I don't know that I want a studio. If I do leave bf I want to have my own apartment and not a studio. I think he's afraid of what she might say.

My father said that he thinks I've made up my mind. He can see a certain decisiveness in me, in my choice of phrasing things. But at the same time I've told bf that I'd give it time.

Things with bf are ok. We laugh and joke and took a walk together today. But as my father said we'll probably go through an ok period, then we'll be tiptoeing around each other so we don't set each other off, and then we'll set each other off and we'll be back at square one.

He said that a person in my position doesn't really make it forward. Once you've started realizing that change is needed you can't really go back and fix what's wrong and be happy with it.

We had sex again today. Bf has been trying too hard. I don't think we've ever had sex like this before. He's got so much more confidence than he usually has. Today while I was on top, he grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back while he fucked me. I would normally thrive on that, I'd love it. I did like it, I just didn't get off on it. He didn't make me cum again. I just think he's been trying too hard. I even have a bruised pelvis... He let me make him cum again though, and as I said last time, it's sort of a first.
I get the sensation that all this is because he has, on some level, caught on to something... maybe he suspects I've been cheating... but I think it's somewhat subconscious. Why would his approach change so drastically otherwise? Or maybe he's just afraid of losing me and he thinks this is one way to keep me. I've always begged him to fuck me harder and to "take advantage" of me a little, and he has always refused.
Except now, I can't get off on it. I'm too preoccupied with other things, with whether I really want to be with him.

Crazy Days

Wow things have really become crazy.

Bf and I had various problems this weekend and they finally came to a halt Sunday morning. We'd been arguing or on terrible terms up to then. But Sunday was the epitome of everything. We started fighting, and bf came out with a sentence he shouldn't have said I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and walked away in tears. He came running behind me and that's when the dialogue started.

To be completely honest things are still a blur. I repeated the same things I had said in the previous discussion. I thought they had meant something to him that first time but he made me repeat them, he couldn't remember what I had said. I calmly and unbegrudgingly told him again. This time I'm assuming he heard me and understood because he asked me to forgive him, that he had made so many mistakes in the relationship, that he could change, that he would change. He asked me if I'd be willing to give him time. We could set a date and see how things have gone up to that point.

I don't really know what to think or feel. I felt terrible at first. Feeling mostly guilt for making it seem like he was the only one responsible for our situation. He's not. We are both responsible. But at the same time I think that he needed to hear those things and to come to terms with them without me giving him the loophole that I am also responsible. It would be my duty at this point to really give it my best and to really give it a chance. But I also realize that I may not have realistic views of what it should be. I've really had my true needs clouded for so long that I think they have become distorted.

We had sex after the discussion. I wasn't really feeling up to it, but I went along. He was passionate and very emotional. He kept telling me he loved me. The sex was different. It was him fucking me. That rarely happens, especially with that amount of force. He was on top, held my wrists to the bed, kissing me, but I wasn't feeling anything. I was crying. I have never cried so much during sex. The tears were streaming down my face. I don't think he noticed. Despite the fact he was on top of me, he didn't really look at me much. I ended up taking him in my mouth and I cried. The tears were from the argument, the fact that I was feeling uncertain about everything, and to boot images of Rob running through my mind. He let me guide his orgasm, it may have been the first time. He started to come in my mouth, but then he pulled out, and I don't have any idea why.

After lunch I fell asleep. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

I woke up wanting to talk to someone so I started an email to Rob and half way through I received one from him. We ended up on Skype. We talked for more or less an hour. I obviously explained what had happened. But all in all he just kept my mind off things, made me feel better and kept me smiling. We talked about emotions, the past, meeting up again and how things have evolved.

I think that we have realized that perhaps we've been getting into this partially because we know it can't really go anywhere. Yet at the same time there has been a very drastic evolution between us over the years. I don't want it to end.

Saturday orgasms

Rob was supposed to ignore me all weekend. He was supposed to play golf and forget about me for Saturday and Sunday. I found myself pouring my thoughts out to both Floyd and my best friend through emails about both bf and Rob. Without work to distract me I've been thinking about him constantly again. I got myself off twice Saturday morning thinking about him. I wake up and I've had dreams about it, I'm wet when I wake up.  I tried to find my g-spot and couldn't and it was frustrating but I came anyhow. I just wanted to feel what he made me feel so badly I guess. But I wasn't getting it. Maybe I can't reach it.

The second time I didn't even try to find it. I just had to get myself off again.

Then this afternoon as I was emailing Floyd and my best friend, I got an email from Rob. He was just saying hi. We exchanged about 10 emails before I admitted to wanting to get off again. And he told me to go on skype so that he could help.

On Skype we couldn't cam so it was just him typing words, I was on the bed watching the words flow on the screen, his typical amazing one word after another list, bringing bright blinding flashes of images, memories into my mind this time. It was the first time he had gotten me off since we met up. It was crazy strong, so strong I was in tears by the end. I'm not sure what brought them on. They didn't last, but it was an overall outpouring of emotion probably.

He asked me when we could fuck again. It's too early to think about that. I can't think about that now. But I can't help it. I'd leave tomorrow if I could.

I had yet another orgasm while in bed next to bf. I was still hot from Rob's writing I guess. That makes 4 in one day.

Weird, Weirder, Weirdest

Wow, when things get weird they really get weird.

I got an email today from an ex-boyfriend.

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned him. If I have, it was ages ago and no-one here will remember. 

I have this best friend back home, when we were growing up she had this boyfriend who lived in another city about 4 hours from where we lived. I was dating a guy at the time who wasn't quite right in the head and to make a long story short, I broke up with him, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and we swapped. I started dating the guy from out of town and she started dating the guy who wasn't quite right in the head. She ended up marrying the guy. And I stayed with this outatowner for about a year and then I called it quits.

Let's call him Floyd. While Floyd was dating my best friend he and I were actually corresponding hand written letters at the time, we had a lot in common. We would write these 10 page letters back and forth. They were strictly friendship based though. Then when we started dating the letters became love letters. But our relationship slowly degraded and I couldn't see our friendship anymore. That's when I realized that I thought it was more important to save our friendship than to continue a relationship so I broke it off with him.

He later married a woman and had two girls. The woman he married ended up going off the deep end and almost tried to kill herself. Floyd has been in touch over the years off and on, especially when things aren't well with the wife.

Today he said that he missed me, that he was tired of pushing people away because of his wife, especially people he cared about like me. He basically said that he regretted that things hadn't gone differently between us. I emailed him back and said all sorts of things, mostly telling him why I had broken things off, but also saying that his email had reached me in a period of my life that was somewhat on the rocks.

He emailed me back saying that he wanted to know what was going on.

Floyd is a person that I've always been very close to. We've told each other everything, but when he got married our friendship was cut off. My email back to him was a total and complete spew of things that have been going on including Rob and bf. By the end of this correspondence he will probably know more than my best friend does. She just knows about Rob, she doesn't know about the blog or about my "past" online. I don't know that I'll tell Floyd about the blog... but I've already hinted at my past online.

The morning

As time goes by things get put on the back burner.... kinda... I find myself thinking about Rob less, although still very often, just less than every second like while I was in London. It's more like every 5 minutes now. Work does keep me mostly busy.

On occasion I find myself stopping in mid sentence while explaining something to my students, because something caught my attention and reminded me. The strangest things will come to mind and make me laugh, like salt and vinegar chips. Rob went out late on Monday night at the hotel to have a smoke. I stayed up in the room but he asked if I wanted anything to munch on. He brought back two bags of salt and vinegar chips and a bag of cheese chips. We sat quietly and ate them while watching tv.

There were times in that room that we weren't having sex where we'd just sit and watch tv. He'd sit on the chair at the desk, I'd be sprawled on the bed. In other words we weren't constantly all over each other.

It was during those times that I'd observe him, watch him. I wasn't interested in the tv. I just wanted to watch him while he wouldn't notice.

Those were times when I felt like I should make moves, go to him and touch him, just drag him close to me. But I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I think that we probably needed to contrast the constant touching, sex and just overstimulation with that void. Perhaps it had to do with my fear of ruining the situation with overdoing things. Maybe I was just afraid of getting too close.

The void of not touching, not getting too close eased us into sleep as well. We slept close. But to be able to actually get any sleep I can't be touching a person I've never slept with. So I kept my distance, I needed to sleep at least a little. I don't remember who made the first move in the morning, it could have just been a random rolling over or something, but we ended up spooning. It was an amazing sensation, after not having touched for those few hours at night. I remember pulling his arm around me, around my waist. I could feel his body behind me, every move, every muscle, his slow breathing, his warmth. The sensation of his stiffening cock had me wet immediately. All I knew is that I didn't want to leave that day without having more of him. I'd have never forgiven myself if I hadn't taken full advantage of the situation.

We moved, perhaps he moved onto his back, I moved close to him, one leg over his, but I could feel him stiffen through his boxers. My hand slid under the covers, I caressed, and rubbed him through his boxers, until he opened one eye to look at me, to ask me what I was doing. I just smiled, didn't answer. Then I moved under the covers, straddling his legs, going down. I slipped his boxers off, and the question came again, "what are you doing?" in that accent I love. "Nothing, what do you think I'm doing?" I joked. And proceeded to take him in my mouth.

Just the simple sensation of the head of his cock moving past my lips was enough to make me cum. All I needed was a little stimulation really. I could suck him off for hours without ever getting bored... although he might. But he wanted to be inside me that morning, and I wasn't going to complain about that. I came up to face him, and straddling him I grabbed him from behind myself, slipped him in slowly, easily, all the way down the shaft, and I gasped, he groaned, and the sensation made me collapse towards him. He fucked me slowly in that position and then told me to ride him. I did, I rode him, upright, cowgirl, but I'm a weak girl with no muscles and ended up getting tired fast. He lifted me by my thighs, I kept my hands on the bedboard to ease the weight a little and he fucked me from below. There was a moment when his cock hit my g-spot and I just yelped. It was a sensation I'd never felt before meeting Rob. Bf has never hit it, I've never hit it on my own either. Rob is the only one who has ever found it, and his cock hits it perfectly.

I was basically incapable of moving after that, Rob moved his hand swiftly to my clit, pressing hard, flicking his thumb back and forth, pushing from inside me with his cock, I would go limp at each pulse. The next thing I knew he was joking around, and I was trying to get over what felt like three orgasms in a row. He said "look, watch this!", he put two fingers to his left temple, closed his eyes and made his cock pulse inside me, making me weak in rapid succession, I was laughing and in a state of ecstasy all at once.
He then asked me if I'd had enough. But my answer was "I'll never have enough". He lifted me off him. He moved around behind me, telling me quietly what to do, put your head down, guiding me with his hands. He slid himself back inside me from behind, my face planted flat on the bed. His hands gripping my wrists and my hips all at once. He pounded me hard and I had yet another orgasm,  I collapsed helplessly on the bed, I didn't have an inkling of strength, I lay there, eyes closed, panting, arms beneath me now. Feeling the bed vibrate as he moved around to my side, he was caressing my back, up and down, his nails just barely grazing my cool skin. I opened my eyes to see a calm, serene look on his face, relaxed, smiling, caring.

I rolled onto my side, propped myself up and after he may have told me to take it easy, I went back down to taste myself on him. Making myself gag on him, his hands pushing my head down as they'd done numerous times before. I went down, sucked his balls lightly into my mouth, something I'd never done before, so delicate, soft, fragile, yet resistent. Such an amazing sensation. He was getting close. This time it took minutely less than the other times. He warned me that he was going to cum, and he pressed my head down onto him, his hot cum filling the back of my throat. I haven't swallowed in years, and it was so much easier than I'd remembered. It was warm and tasted slightly bitter. I could taste him for ages after that. Right through to the next morning.

The rest of the morning consisted in us having breakfast and just lounging, perhaps both dreading the departure. I wrote about our departure before, but it was a fairly long wait, or it felt long. We went down and had a breakfast that made us both laugh, he managed to fill a teapot with a teabag and coffee and almost insisted on drinking it. We talked about what had happened, we talked about how we felt. He is so easy for me to talk to, he makes everything easy.

The rest of this story is somewhat of a repeat, I've mentioned it before but I can't finish this post without it.

When we returned to the room, we didn't know what to do. I finished packing my bag while he lay face down on the bed looking at the newspaper on the floor. I flopped myself onto the bed to look over his shoulder, reading and not reading, occasionally commenting. But soon we stopped. He just lay there, his face buried in the nook in his arm. I wasn't sure what to do or say. I got the feeling he was dreading going home, or maybe dreading waiting. I wanted to tell him to go when he wanted, that he didn't have to wait for me. He looked up at me, his eyes were shiny, but partially hidden behind his mass of blond eyelashes, he looked at me through them and said that he was worried he'd make himself sick with guilt in the following days.

I told him to hate me if it would be easier, but had to turn away, lay on my back to wipe the tears away.

We checked out of the hotel and headed to the train station. We hugged, half kissed, it was awkward, neither of us knew what to say or do, so we just went our separate ways. Neither of us looked back. But the train ride into London was hard.

Current views

Bf
Ahh things have been surreal the past few days. I've been home less than a week but I feel like I've gone back in time.
Things before I left for London seemed to be going relatively well with bf our new arrangement was working fairly well I thought. I was happy with it. But when I got home bf was obviously on edge about something and I knew it wasn't the trip that was getting to him. I think it was my enthusiasm in general. Perhaps jealousy of going off on my own. I'm not sure.
After blowing up about the concert I kept my distance a bit. I just couldn't get over the reaction I guess, I wasn't helping the situation any, but I didn't think it was my place. He stormed into where I was sitting yesterday evening and ranted about something that I hadn't done, that he was expecting me to do. And then he went on about how addicted to the internet I am.

Side note. I don't know that I'm terribly addicted to the internet. I do spend time on it. But what "bothers" him is the fact that I check things in the morning, around lunch when I get home and then again before I go to bed. And to me.... that's not an addiction, but I'm not a doctor and I'm no expert on internet addictions.

So he has recently taken this tangent. He said all sorts of strange things to me yesterday. One was just strange, he said that if I was going to use internet in the house he was going to start smoking in the house. How logical is that?

We had a 3 hour argument with tears and yelling and the whole song and dance. And by the end I spilled the beans about how he had been rather cold with me from the moment I got home from London, through the pictures and through the concert frenzy and I told him how I'd felt.

I told him that I often feel like he doesn't share my interests at all, that I have to drag him to things that I know he'd enjoy, he generally refuses to come unless I insist on paying.
I told him that I felt like we didn't have anything in common. I told him that I didn't want to live my life regretting things. I told him that I felt like I didn't have a future in general. I basically implied that I didn't see a future with him. I told him that in other relationships I've seen guys more involved in making decisions about the future and talking openly about what to do, and with him that has never happened, even if I've pushed for it.

After all of that he finally got the picture and shut up and thought about what was going on. By 1:00 am he came over to me and told me he loved me, and told me that for our future, he's more than "sure" about wanting to spend his future with me. As for practical future he thinks it would be easier to get me on track than to get him on track, all I need is space really... (although I'm not sure that just space is going to resolve anything, but I suppose it's worth a try).

I am getting tired of having the same argument, having the same outcome, and then things just repeating themselves. I'm also not sure that my "future" means anything with him, if I'm the only one getting on track then what's the point?

Rob
I know deep down that the evolution with Rob is just a consequence of my situation with bf. But I am also aware that I'm probably getting in deeper than I expected. I'm probably falling for him harder than I anticipated.
Rob and I talked for a bit today, even talked a bit about our feelings. He asked me if I was in love with him and I sort of shied away from the question. I hummed and smiled, and blushed and said maybe.
I get shy about that sort of thing and as much as I'd like to be open, I'm a little afraid of it. Afraid of getting hurt I suppose.
He did say that if I make the decision to leave bf just to not do it because of him. I think he knows that I wouldn't do that. I've been thinking about a break up for ages before meeting up with him. And he also should know that I'm not expecting anything from him whatsoever, apart from perhaps meeting up again at some point.

I texted him after we got off line, just because sometimes I find it easier to text him, to write than to express with my own voice. I asked him if he thought he was falling for me, but he didn't answer, ok well he sent a silly text telling me to "go away"... I took it as silly anyhow. I take it all quite lightly. We're probably both struggling a little with our feelings and I'm not the type to push things. If he wants to tell me what he's feeling he will in time.

He asked if he should back off writing emails and texts, I think he's feeling overwhelmed by constantly thinking about things, and he wants me to tell him to back off. But I told him that I didn't want him to, but that the decision was ultimately his. He did half joke about wanting me to take some of the responsibility off of his hands though. Making that decision for him would have helped probably. But I don't want it to stop.

I myself have contemplated backing off, taking a breather. But sometimes I feel like I'd probably regret it. Other times I know that it'll hurt if we continue at this pace.

Electricity

I'm really happy with the order of things. Having met up with Rob at the beginning of this trip means that I have time to savour all my thoughts and feelings without worrying about being around Bf, without him asking me why I'm grinning or crying or writing.

The initial meeting with Rob at the station was very simple, smiles and hugs and then straight to the hotel. Check in was at 2:00pm and it was only 11am but I needed to drop my bag. We were lucky though, they managed to check us in immediately.

Once up in the room, Rob dropped onto the bed. After a few moments of indecision I lay down beside him, we talked for a second and then he pulled me close and kissed me. It was a kiss that was not really frantic, but we certainly didn't know what to do with each other. We were just pulling at one another wanting everything. We went for my neck, biting and sucking, just the thought makes my clit pulse. The sensation of him biting my neck sent waves of electricity through my body, neck to toes. He whispered that I tasted good, that my hair smelled nice, I must have mumbled something but honestly I was groaning.

What I wouldn't give to feel that again.

Reactions

So I was having a good day with bf yesterday. He crawled into bed next to me in the morning with kisses and caresses. After I got home from work I was tired, but we went for a walk together and laughed and had a good time.

When I got home I noticed that the concert I went to in England will be coming here and tickets aren't too expensive so I hinted at seeing it again. I even offered to buy tickets for the both of us. It's not close to home, but I think it'd be worth it, and the tickets aren't half as expensive as they were in London.

Bf joked about me going with someone else at first, but when I probed further to see if he'd be willing to come he flipped out. He went on a stupid rant about me just getting back, to lay off the concert hype and to take a week to appreciate being back, to quit talking about going away.

When I was left with my mouth hanging open in surprise at his reaction, he angrily asked if I thought he was wrong. When I said that he wasn't necessarily wrong but that his reaction was exaggerated, he didn't say anything.

Which is why I sat in the guest room catching up on my blog posting last night.

Since then he has given me hugs and has been trying to be forgiven. But I am having a hard time.

I feel like telling him that he's losing me. I want to try to explain to him what it feels like to really feel enthusiastic about something, because I don't think that he has ever really felt a strong emotion towards an event like a concert or even a sports event.

Thin Ice 

by Roger Waters

If you should go skating

On the thin ice of modern life

Dragging behind you the silent reproach 

Of a million tear-stained eyes

Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice

Appears under your feet

You slip out of your depth and out of your mind

With your fear flowing out behind you

As you claw thin ice.

The Wall is the concert that I went to see, I'm not sure I mentioned it, but I have recently realized that it has been a fall back album since I was a kid for when I've been going through times of crisis. It was the album I played when I was 6, when I heard my parents arguing to drown out their voices I would blare the trial in my room. At the time I was obviously not aware of the significance of the album. But today as I was writing this post and listening to Thin Ice, it dawned on me how relevant it is during this time of my life. 

Thoughts from Camden.

This was written a few days after meeting up from Camden Town market. There may be a few concepts that I've already written about but it's mostly new stuff.

________________________________________________________

I'm sitting on a bench in Camden Town. It's huge here. I had no idea. I walked around a fair amount but my mind keeps wandering back to... well it's probably obvious.

Rob and I have talked a few times in the past few days both on the phone and on chat through Skype. Some of the texts he has sent have had me crying or close to it. They're not really tears of sadness either. It's always a combination of things. Relief that he is thinking about things and the knowledge that it's not just me. But also the beauty of hearing things like "I can still smell you on my skin" (the day after), that he'll never forget it, and that I'm an amazing person.

In the market though, wandering the stalls and shops, my mind slips back to scenes of Rob telling me to kneel on the floor.
We had been at it for over an hour, a hundred different positions, from the bed to the desk (where the mirror was), two orgasms of my own, then the polite order to kneel on the floor, almost whispered. Down on the floor I went, his cock gliding in and out of my mouth. He would grab my head lightly but firmly, carefully even, and force himself in further, setting my gag reflex off. I knew it would. No matter, I wanted it.
Then he asked if I was ready. He was going to cum, it was time. I was on my knees on the floor completely naked in front of him, staring up at him, waiting, watching, yearning.
It was an amazing sensation. The feeling of his hot cum covering my body. I've never, ever, experienced anything like it. There was so much I was drenched. It dripped down over my tits, down my front. It was on my neck and shoulders. He even managed to get the desk beside us. As I rubbed it in, I was completely slick, shiny and wet, from my shoulders down to my belly. It was so much I laughed, we laughed, I hadn't been expecting that much, he had warned me, but I had no way of understanding. It was amazing.

Home

I'm back. The trip back was an exhausting journey both mentally and physically. I was supposed to get a ride from the airport but bf couldn't pick me up so I ended up taking the train. But there was a train strike yesterday and it was total chaos.

I got home and bf was working, I was glad because I received a lovely email from Rob saying that he had tried to call me that morning, but that I was already flying or in Italy, that he had realized that we were thousands of miles apart now and he thanked me again for one of the most incredible moments of his life.
I burst into tears reading it, luckily my best friend from home was on line and being the only one who knows about all of this, I told her my feelings. She said that feelings come in waves, let them wash over you and they will go just as they come. she suggested I concentrate on all the good feelings the meeting brought and try not to concentrate on how much I miss him.  All very wise suggestions I will try to follow.

I've written a few things over the past few days and I'll be posting them. I just haven't had time to get them into the computer. They're all hand written so far. Hopefully this evening.

What I find slightly frustrating about my return home is bf's total indifference to so many things. I kissed him when he came home, but he commented on it, asking why I had.
I wanted to show him the things I had bought, an antique and even the pictures from my trip, but he sat there watching the soccer games and was only half listening to me. He was so indifferent to my enthusiasm about the concert. I hate indifference.

I even said something like "you don't really care about this stuff do you?" He just said, "you decide". With an indifferent tone, it wasn't said in a mean way... it was just total and complete indifference.

Nottingham I

 This is the first thing I wrote on a random piece of paper while on the train to London. I wrote it quickly, a stream of consciousness type of thing. I wasn't sure I'd post it here. It's relatively intense for me even now to re-read it. I cried on the train back after writing this, they weren't tears of sadness completely either, it was a mix of feelings I think. Then I fell asleep and almost missed my stop. I sent this to Rob yesterday and I added a little changed a little, and I'll be reviewing it again now. But it's essentially the first impressions...Rob liked it, so I'm posting it. There will be more I'm sure, as things come I'll post them.

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I feel so overwhelmed that I can't really express myself.
I'm sitting on the train to London from Nottingham writing this and there's this guy on the phone in front of me talking, babbling and it's distracting. All I want to do is remember everything, not let go. Scenes of him keep flashing through my mind. scenes of him inside me, in so deep that everything I had imagined was real, splitting me in half, not just physically either. The smiling, staring, laughing, fucking. My guilt, not for what what we'd done, but for the guilt he was feeling. The feeling makes me want to cry.

All that's left is a few bruises and sore muscles, I wish I could have taken something a little more permanent. A mark, a sign, a stigmata to remind me. Something I could just look at, touch even, remember. Flashes of conversations in dingy bars with drunks, castles and castle food, sharing dishes never shared, and the sex... how could I have possibly thought that I could keep my feelings separate? Certain sensations I've never felt. The ease, so easy... relaxed, not awkward, just the goodbye was awkward.... that's all. He kept trying to keep his distance. But it wasn't working, was it?
Laying on the bed I'll never forget the look in his eyes, sad, worried, not regretful, but sad. He said he'd have a tough few days, hoping not to make himself sick with guilt. Would it be easier to let him hate me than to see that look on his face again... yeah...it would.

From behind, face planted on the bed, shoulders too. Him gripping my hands and my hips, pounding me. Collapsing on the bed. The look on his face, caressing my back, up and down.

Mirrors, reflections of us, me looking at him, him looking at me but from different angles different perspectives.

The sensation of the tip of his cock, so smooth, so perfect sliding past my lips, grazing my teeth, so hot, salty. I will never forget that sensation. The memory of him holding my head next to his waist, holding my mouth open for him to cum in. The memory of him nodding, smiling when he knew he was getting me close. The memory of him making me writhe without moving a muscle, the strength of his cock inside me pulsing, pressing what I imagine has to be my gspot, a spot I never found on my own.

Being forced down, onto his cock, only barely coming up for air to be pushed back down again. I wonder, I wonder if he would take control more given the chance. It was our first encounter, he didn't know my limits... I didn't know my limits.

I almost ripped the tendon in his leg out. Wat was he doing? It felt so good. I wanted him, as much of him inside me as possible.
It was a perfect mix. Soft, gentle, rough, forcing, restraining. I couldn't have invented it better in my mind.

There would have been so much more I think. We've only broken the surface of what was there. We've only revealed ourselves partially, but getting any deeper might have hurt too much.

Before I start

I don't actually really know what to say or how to start this. I've tried sitting down more than once to get this post written and each and every time I get to a point where I just can't write.

It's not just one reason either. There are many. My hand starts to shake (I've been trying to write in a notebook), my mind wanders and I can't concentrate, I start crying, or I get horny. No matter what, I think I just need time to work things through before putting black onto white.

The meeting with Rob was incredible. It was more than I could have possibly imagined or dreamed. It was better than perfect. It was easy, we were totally at ease with each other. There was nothing awkward about anything except perhaps the goodbye at the train station.

There was a lot of sex and it was perfect sex. He was perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel as though I've been in a dream or a daze, that it never actually happened. He hit spots that I honestly had no idea existed. He played my body like I was his favourite instrument. He knows me well, knows what I like. At the same time I felt like I had so much to discover about him. Secrets to unlock.

I think that we were both afraid of getting too close. We acted like good friends when we weren't having sex. We didn't really do the hand holding thing. Sleeping, we slept in the same bed but we didn't touch much until early morning. Neither of us slept much. I think we fell asleep at around midnight and woke up around 4:30am. We spooned in the early hours. That's also when I got a nosebleed, which I never get. I think that was caused by all my hyperventilating... I tend to breath a lot when having sex.

After I got back into London, after we went our separate ways, he texted me saying that he was looking forward to reading the blog, he also told me not to hold back on detail.



I will at some point post more detail than today, or I hope to. But everything is a blur at the moment. The order of things got completely lost in my mind. It's probably a good thing, it means that I was lost in the moment. But it's frustrating at the same time because I wish I could remember it clearly to burn it onto my brain.

There are things that stand out in my memory, things that I'll never forget. Sensations, sights and feelings that were so intense that I may have a hard time putting them into words.
The memories come back to me in vivid flashes, they're so strong they distract me from everything around me, sometimes bringing me close to tears, others close to orgasm, and again others a huge smile on my face.

I had two orgasms today, just because I'm in a hostel and it would be difficult to have more than that with all the people around. But it's just to say how worked up I still am. 

I even tried writing a moment by moment recount of the events, after 4 hand written pages I gave up. It was too blurry, some things are so absolutely crystal clear, and others aren't. It was more damaging that good I think.

I'm going to leave this here now. But I will be trying to figure how to put things into words. I want to post more, but I can't figure out how to do it rationally and well. And this will be for me. Written specifically as a diary entry, not written to please my trusty readers. This meeting was the whole point of this blog in the first place. But I don't want a rambling piece of writing either. So I need to weigh it out a bit and figure out the best way to do it.

quick note

All is well and went better than well....... Will update soon!

Soooooo welll :)

Before I leave.

He's on my nerves.. Bf... I can't stand him these days. I know I always go through these periods. But recently it's been really really annoying. I can't say anything without him jumping on my back.

The trip to North America is becoming a nightmare because of him. He finds all sorts of stupid excuses for not doing things or he just makes situations really complicated when they're not. On occasion he says that he doesn't want to come and that he's just spending money to do whatever the hell I want. I know he'd rather be off on some tropical island swimming than visiting my home country and seeing my family. I don't really blame him. But my grandmother is over 90 and I'd like to see her before she passes away. And I really need to see some friends.

Andy
Well andy is getting his own paragraph now... He caught me on Facebook last night and asked how I was. He invited me to a "reggae night" at a club in a town about an hour away. He and Co-worker are going tomorrow night.  I said I'd think about it but I already know I won't be going. I wish... And I kinda told him that.
He was kidding around saying "always with the bf, we need to do more tequila drinking!"

I wonder.... I wonder what he thinks...

Co-Worker


I can't say he has been ignoring me, but it's been pretty close. He did pat me on the head today while I was on the computer today. But there was definitely no flirting.

He did say something about the girls he loves, brown hair green eyes (his gf) and blond with blue eyes... (me)

London/Rob
I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off the past few days, getting a whole slew of stuff done, including 2 translations, picking up stuff for a friend over in London, got to dye my hair again, picking up some Pounds for when I get there... checking with the bank to make sure I have money on my card.

I haven't even had time to think about anything let alone have things take over my brain and command me not to do something... Plus with the way I feel with bf these days I just really need OUT.

Righto... I hope to get another post in before Saturday... but if I don't I'll post from the UK....oooohhhh ahhhhh... man....

how hard?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm falling and how hard. 

I talked to Rob today for what must have been over an hour and a half. Just talk, nothing more. We talked about us, our future meeting, our past meeting, our thoughts and feelings. He's apprehensive (but still coming)... I'm still gung-ho but it may not have hit me yet.

work and week

I had a week off this week, but was called to do a job at the last minute. I am constantly high on adrenaline with this job, and exhausted at the same time. I work for a few hours interpreting in the afternoon, while in the morning I've been working frantically to finish a translation I have due next monday.

In the meantime I talked to Co-worker and even Andy a bit last weekend. I caught Co-worker on Gmail chat and chatted him up on some business from the previous week together at work. But at a certain point we got on the topic of being "good" and he said something about being a little bastard. When I asked him why he said that we should talk about it in person... whatever that means.

Andy on the other hand was involved in a little music conversation on FB, and something about age came out... I don't really even remember what it was, it probably wasn't very important. But I found out that he's 38... I honestly thought he was younger than that...

I then thought that maybe Co-worker said something to Andy. I wonder....

I don't know if I'll see Co-worker this week... I had an opportunity on Tuesday, but he couldn't make it to lunch. Sooo we'll see him monday.

As for Rob, I've only really heard from him via txt message or email so nothing much new there.

Sex... well yeah I got some more that day... It was a good day for sex :)

Make up sex.

I crawled into bed this afternoon while bf was supposedly trying to nap, and as soon as I got under the covers, he pulled me close, then rolled me on top of him.

His cock was hard, and I was wet from an interrupted play session with myself this morning so we were both more than ready to go.

He pulled my t-shirt up to reveal my black bikini top (since I had been outside sunbathing) he pulled the triangle off and sucked hard on my nipple, then moved over to the other one and did the same.

I was so horny my back arched, and I swear I almost came just from that. He pulled my shorts and panties off and licked his fingers and carefully wet my clit and started rubbing. I was squirming, I couldn't hold still, I knew it wouldn't take me long to cum. He propped himself onto one arm and gave my clit the occasional lick, pressing his finger inside me. I took over on my clit, rubbing little circles, and I was so close to cumming like that. I was constantly on edge.

We went through various different positions we barely had sex... I mean there was very little penetration. We have both learned that I don't cum on penetration the first time after a dry spell. But this is the perfect way to overcome that. No penetration.

The final blow.... was so damn strong. I'm starting to wonder whether I'm just getting better at making myself cum, therefore my orgasms with bf are getting stronger too.

I was on my back, bf was kneeling this time in between my legs. He had one hand under my ass, and one on my tits, I was working my clit, while he watched me. As I got closer to climaxing, he licked a finger, and slid it into my ass. I was not expecting that at all, because he usually just teases. He slipped it all the way in, then with the other hand he slipped another finger into my mouth, and that took me wayy over the edge. It was so intense, so strong, and he wouldn't stop pumping my ass the whole time, that it felt like it was lasting forever. I would have screamed so loud if there hadn't been anything in my mouth.

He then moved above me, straddling my chest, as he grabbed my tits, I jerked him off till he came all over them.

I was so spent, that I fell asleep for 20 minutes and when I woke up, bf left for work, and I came again. I worked my clit just as I had done with him. But this time I slipped one finger into my dripping pussy, and one back into my ass. I came just as hard as the first time too. Back arching, head reaching back, mouth gaping and gasping for air.

Damn.... I could go again even...