What to say... what to say.
My birthday came and went during the whole fiasco with bf. He gave me a new bicycle, I really needed it. My old one was falling apart, literally. Plus it was all rusty. So a bright and shiny new bike from him and my favourite gift so far was a set of 216 tiny magnetic ball bearings that you can make stuff with, mostly geometrical stuff. It's very cool and very fun, and addictive. The ads are all over Youtube for these toys.
I even got some really nice body lotion, shea butter which is soooo lush, I just loovvve it.
But I didn't celebrate really, I just hung out at home with bf. We went to dinner, had japanese food. Then I met up with Rob on line late night. Except he wasn't in the best of moods, or perhaps he was busy with someone or something else, and in the end he took off at 3 am and left me kinda aching for at least a little more conversation than what was had.
That's when the Italian guy from Rome came on. I've mentioned him before I'm pretty sure, he's the one I said I was thinking of have a threesome with. Well without video or sound he told me a lovely little description that was very naughty and very nice. And it did't take me long to get off on that.
But Rob did make up for his lack the night after with 3 orgasms, this time no voice just typing. I really needed to let go I guess. I love it when he types all the things he'd do to me, it's a stream of consciousness of things, no interruptions, just images that flash through my mind.
Images of being bound, ass in the air, held, forced, legs spread, him making me do things to myself, him slipping my fingers inside me, licking, slipping his own along side them, dripping, spanking, slapping, gripping, spreading, preparing, fucking, no limits.... so nice.
I haven't heard from either co-worker or Andy except for birthday wishes.
And I've been thinking about the studio a lot. How I'd be able to have stuff sent there, if I decided to do the sex toy review. I just need to find the space.... space space space.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
the bf apartment conclusion.
I must apologize that I haven't updated since my last post things have been a little hectic as you may all have guessed.
I did not break it off with bf. But I did tell him that I wanted to move out. We sat down on Tuesday evening, we turned the TV off and we talked. I told him very simply that I thought I wanted to move out, while keeping it clear that I didn't want him to think that I wanted to break up with him. (This may have been a mistake, but I'm not sure.)
He said ok, but that we had to do it the right way, leave the apartment when our contract runs out, and get two apartments. He was all very logical about it and said that he had been expecting it for a while.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I honestly had to force myself not to smile at one point, but on the other hand I was crushed that he didn't try to stop me.
The conversation didn't stop there though. We talked about all sorts of things, and it's so hard to explain, because so many past things came up that I'm not going into here. But the gist of it was that he thought that if I moved out it meant that we were finished. I think at times like these he'd like to get out as badly as I would. I think he sees me flying really low and doesn't want me to get hurt and he thinks he is the cause of my angst.
So the end of the tale is that we are still opting for a studio space instead. And I do think that will help. I need a place I can go to get away from him... he's home way to often for me to be able to handle it.
So we're back into looking for a studio.
I just hope I can find something soon...
I did not break it off with bf. But I did tell him that I wanted to move out. We sat down on Tuesday evening, we turned the TV off and we talked. I told him very simply that I thought I wanted to move out, while keeping it clear that I didn't want him to think that I wanted to break up with him. (This may have been a mistake, but I'm not sure.)
He said ok, but that we had to do it the right way, leave the apartment when our contract runs out, and get two apartments. He was all very logical about it and said that he had been expecting it for a while.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I honestly had to force myself not to smile at one point, but on the other hand I was crushed that he didn't try to stop me.
The conversation didn't stop there though. We talked about all sorts of things, and it's so hard to explain, because so many past things came up that I'm not going into here. But the gist of it was that he thought that if I moved out it meant that we were finished. I think at times like these he'd like to get out as badly as I would. I think he sees me flying really low and doesn't want me to get hurt and he thinks he is the cause of my angst.
So the end of the tale is that we are still opting for a studio space instead. And I do think that will help. I need a place I can go to get away from him... he's home way to often for me to be able to handle it.
So we're back into looking for a studio.
I just hope I can find something soon...
Monday, April 25, 2011
Dear BF.
Dear Bf,
I've been contemplating it for a while. I've been wondering if I should move out. It has nothing to do with your recent decision of refusing to do anything for me anymore. It is simply based on my own need for some freedom. I am not cutting the relationship off, I just want to live on my own for a while to see what it's like. I don't feel independent enough right now, and I feel like I've been missing out on that aspect of life for a really long time. I probably should have taken the leap years ago, but unfortunately I was young and probably wasn't focusing on what was best for me.
Now that I'm older and more self aware, I have realized the importance of learning first how to live with myself and be happy on my own before I can live with someone else.
p.s. This letter has not been sent... but it's exactly what's on my mind. I'm still thinking.
~ Cande ~
I've been contemplating it for a while. I've been wondering if I should move out. It has nothing to do with your recent decision of refusing to do anything for me anymore. It is simply based on my own need for some freedom. I am not cutting the relationship off, I just want to live on my own for a while to see what it's like. I don't feel independent enough right now, and I feel like I've been missing out on that aspect of life for a really long time. I probably should have taken the leap years ago, but unfortunately I was young and probably wasn't focusing on what was best for me.
Now that I'm older and more self aware, I have realized the importance of learning first how to live with myself and be happy on my own before I can live with someone else.
p.s. This letter has not been sent... but it's exactly what's on my mind. I'm still thinking.
~ Cande ~
wanderings of the mind and body
Things with bf haven't ironed out completely... We went out the Friday night with some friends. I got really tipsy and tried to convince bf to come to another bar with me on our way home. We were laughing and joking, until I took the leap to head off on the road towards the pub, hoping that he'd follow, but he didn't. He went straight... I ended up walking full circle to meet back up with bf who was waiting for me at the next intersection. We didn't talk after that.
We've barely been talking since then.
On a separate note Andy seems to be a new character in the posts these days. He's now on my FB friends list. He sent me a message on Saturday asking me if I was going to a local(ish) club. When I answered that I couldn't, (I didn't want to cause any more probs with bf), he asked me if it was because I was busy or because I didn't have a ride.
This evening he posted a comment on one of my fb pictures, it said "the one..." in English.
From that we ended up sending a few emails back and forth. Nothing interesting really, except the explanation of his comment, which was that it was his favourite picture of me...
I talked to Rob on Friday as well. I've been working on a translation so I was able to chat with him while bf was around. And he had me all hot and bothered without being able to touch. It was, obviously the ultimate tease. I then caught him again on Saturday, this time with voice. We just talked. It's nice to talk and not worry about getting naked.... as much as I wanted to....there wasn't a lot of time.
I have been a bit on edge too, I've bought my train tickets to head out to see Rob. And I talked to my friend in London who was freaking me out about being able to get into London in time for the concert. She thinks that something "could happen" and that I should try to get in a day ahead (!?!) But I'm going to try to get into town for 2ish, the concert is at 8... she wants to be there by 7:30 at the latest... and I need to drop my bags at the hotel. I just don't want to have to rush the morning with Rob... if he comes.
We've barely been talking since then.
On a separate note Andy seems to be a new character in the posts these days. He's now on my FB friends list. He sent me a message on Saturday asking me if I was going to a local(ish) club. When I answered that I couldn't, (I didn't want to cause any more probs with bf), he asked me if it was because I was busy or because I didn't have a ride.
This evening he posted a comment on one of my fb pictures, it said "the one..." in English.
From that we ended up sending a few emails back and forth. Nothing interesting really, except the explanation of his comment, which was that it was his favourite picture of me...
I talked to Rob on Friday as well. I've been working on a translation so I was able to chat with him while bf was around. And he had me all hot and bothered without being able to touch. It was, obviously the ultimate tease. I then caught him again on Saturday, this time with voice. We just talked. It's nice to talk and not worry about getting naked.... as much as I wanted to....there wasn't a lot of time.
I have been a bit on edge too, I've bought my train tickets to head out to see Rob. And I talked to my friend in London who was freaking me out about being able to get into London in time for the concert. She thinks that something "could happen" and that I should try to get in a day ahead (!?!) But I'm going to try to get into town for 2ish, the concert is at 8... she wants to be there by 7:30 at the latest... and I need to drop my bags at the hotel. I just don't want to have to rush the morning with Rob... if he comes.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Hi-No-Time
Happy HNT Bloggies and Bloggers.
This is not a click thru.... I just didn't have the time!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
co-worker today
Co-worker and I had moments alone today at work. We talked about how drunk I was, because he said that they were practically sober (I doubt it after 4 or 5 rounds of tequila and a beer, but who knows), and I said, that I had been fully lucid the whole evening and that I remembered everything. And he asked "so you were responsible for all of your actions?" and obviously I answered yes.
He is also very good at asking me offhanded and somewhat cryptic questions that are related to what's going on. He seems to be very observational. He asked if my mindset was any better today, and I said that it was. I said though that things may not be as they should be and he said the mysterious sentence: "don't drag anyone else into it". I'm guessing he's talking about himself... or perhaps Andy... but most likely himself.
but he's right, it wouldn't be fair.... I need to back off... although... he's the one who started it. (do I sound like I'm in kindergarten? lol)
Oh, and when I asked him if I could catch a ride to our lunch hole, he said "no you're dangerous". And I answered "not as dangerous as you" but he just said "what?" pretending not to understand.
When we got into his car to go to lunch, there was this stage prop of an arm in his back seat, and I said... "now what the heck is that?"... and he took it and said "I do this..." as he pretended to rub the back of my neck.
I made no further comments apart from my shying away from the horrid thing and laughing.
I think I got the hint though... in fact he has, over the past few days at work... not done any of the flirting he used to do. We'll see how things progress I suppose.
He is also very good at asking me offhanded and somewhat cryptic questions that are related to what's going on. He seems to be very observational. He asked if my mindset was any better today, and I said that it was. I said though that things may not be as they should be and he said the mysterious sentence: "don't drag anyone else into it". I'm guessing he's talking about himself... or perhaps Andy... but most likely himself.
but he's right, it wouldn't be fair.... I need to back off... although... he's the one who started it. (do I sound like I'm in kindergarten? lol)
Oh, and when I asked him if I could catch a ride to our lunch hole, he said "no you're dangerous". And I answered "not as dangerous as you" but he just said "what?" pretending not to understand.
When we got into his car to go to lunch, there was this stage prop of an arm in his back seat, and I said... "now what the heck is that?"... and he took it and said "I do this..." as he pretended to rub the back of my neck.
I made no further comments apart from my shying away from the horrid thing and laughing.
I think I got the hint though... in fact he has, over the past few days at work... not done any of the flirting he used to do. We'll see how things progress I suppose.
Recap thanks, and answers to comments
I think my last post was a a mirror of the chaos I felt during the argument. I need to be clearer.
I think it may be easily summed up in a few sentences.
Bf is a person I have always really cared for. He is not a terrible person, we are just very incompatible. We go months without arguing and then the big one hits and on occasion it's so bad I feel like things are falling apart and I even consider leaving him quite seriously. I probably should leave him on the one hand. But on the other we've been together for 13 years, we are generally happy together even if a lot of (but not all) my energy is spent on line with Rob.
When bf yesterday saw that the tension was wearing off towards the end of the argument he joked about buying a house and the fact that he even tried bringing it up made me genuinely laugh. He came over hugged me and told me he loves me, and that made me smile and tell him that he sometimes drives me crazy.
I appreciate all your comments and thoughts. Every one of you has given me something to think about and to consider. That is why I have the blog in the first place. I need that input to be able to understand things that are going on around me. I am not always objective enough to see everything.
I have not stopped considering moving out. I am still thinking about it, but obviously when things are "good" with bf it's harder to make that decision, but as Michael said in the comments, it's better to make those decisions with a clear mind.
Answers to your comments on my last post
John: thanks for the support, I have a wonderful support group here on line, and out in the real world as well. I have friends that always come out of the woodwork no matter what. So I am always thankful.
That Girl: Thanks hon, You got it exactly, I hate being in that state in a public place, I'm always afraid of losing it completely.
Anon #1: You're right. And this is why I'm still considering moving out, I don't think I've ever abandoned the possibility, it's often just easier to try to make things work than take that leap of faith so to speak.
Anon #2: I get the feeling you haven't been following for very long... or maybe you just got the wrong impression, or maybe I let the wrong impression slip through the cracks of my description of bf.
He has never treated me like crap. He has always treated me like gold, although there are communication problems between us that may never be sorted and we are extremely incompatible. We would probably be happier with other people in our lives, we are exact polar opposites.
I think though that you are right on one thing. I am rationalising my staying, but not because he treats me bad, but because I'd probably or possibly be happier on my own.
Advizor: you are right, crying helps, I have done a fair amount of that. Bf is being very cuddly and warm after the storm and yes I am lapping it up.
Panther: You know... you guys are just amazing. I have said it before, to john above, I am often amazed at the amount of support I get when times are tough. I really should be kissing the ground that you guys all walk on!!
Johanna: The foooood!! you have no idea... they can spend HOURS and HOURS just eating!!! I'm glad to be moving away from that importance unless of course it's a party ;-) Cooking my own stuff is a great solution.
Malcom: You are absolutely right... I always thought I was a strong independent woman, but in reality I just want to have someone decisive... I think you have me squared right down!
I totally understand about not being able to follow things, so don't worry about this blog, It's a mess!! I doubt you have any problems though, you've got the gist of the situation down perfectly. In fact your last "paragraph" about not lacking men in my life and needing to be swept off... is exactly how I feel. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
I think it may be easily summed up in a few sentences.
Bf is a person I have always really cared for. He is not a terrible person, we are just very incompatible. We go months without arguing and then the big one hits and on occasion it's so bad I feel like things are falling apart and I even consider leaving him quite seriously. I probably should leave him on the one hand. But on the other we've been together for 13 years, we are generally happy together even if a lot of (but not all) my energy is spent on line with Rob.
When bf yesterday saw that the tension was wearing off towards the end of the argument he joked about buying a house and the fact that he even tried bringing it up made me genuinely laugh. He came over hugged me and told me he loves me, and that made me smile and tell him that he sometimes drives me crazy.
I appreciate all your comments and thoughts. Every one of you has given me something to think about and to consider. That is why I have the blog in the first place. I need that input to be able to understand things that are going on around me. I am not always objective enough to see everything.
I have not stopped considering moving out. I am still thinking about it, but obviously when things are "good" with bf it's harder to make that decision, but as Michael said in the comments, it's better to make those decisions with a clear mind.
__________________________________________________________
John: thanks for the support, I have a wonderful support group here on line, and out in the real world as well. I have friends that always come out of the woodwork no matter what. So I am always thankful.
That Girl: Thanks hon, You got it exactly, I hate being in that state in a public place, I'm always afraid of losing it completely.
Anon #1: You're right. And this is why I'm still considering moving out, I don't think I've ever abandoned the possibility, it's often just easier to try to make things work than take that leap of faith so to speak.
Anon #2: I get the feeling you haven't been following for very long... or maybe you just got the wrong impression, or maybe I let the wrong impression slip through the cracks of my description of bf.
He has never treated me like crap. He has always treated me like gold, although there are communication problems between us that may never be sorted and we are extremely incompatible. We would probably be happier with other people in our lives, we are exact polar opposites.
I think though that you are right on one thing. I am rationalising my staying, but not because he treats me bad, but because I'd probably or possibly be happier on my own.
Advizor: you are right, crying helps, I have done a fair amount of that. Bf is being very cuddly and warm after the storm and yes I am lapping it up.
Panther: You know... you guys are just amazing. I have said it before, to john above, I am often amazed at the amount of support I get when times are tough. I really should be kissing the ground that you guys all walk on!!
Johanna: The foooood!! you have no idea... they can spend HOURS and HOURS just eating!!! I'm glad to be moving away from that importance unless of course it's a party ;-) Cooking my own stuff is a great solution.
Malcom: You are absolutely right... I always thought I was a strong independent woman, but in reality I just want to have someone decisive... I think you have me squared right down!
I totally understand about not being able to follow things, so don't worry about this blog, It's a mess!! I doubt you have any problems though, you've got the gist of the situation down perfectly. In fact your last "paragraph" about not lacking men in my life and needing to be swept off... is exactly how I feel. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The argument
I came home filled with dread today. I almost burst into tears twice or three times this morning. Once was when I texted Rob to let him know my plans of breaking things off with bf and got a text back saying good luck, and then another that said "I'm here if you need to talk!". That almost had me melt to my knees. I was still at work and had to bite my tongue.
Again when Co-worker and I went to lunch together (since bf is not cooking anymore), at the end of lunch as we were leaving he said, "you look sad", "you look thoughtful". And he told me to "be good" as we were leaving... but it was tear jerking knowing he knew things were up. He asked me how bf took me getting home plastered at 3 am, and I said, "don't even ask, things are so rough right now". I had to change the subject or I would have cried.
The argument with bf was as it usually is, very chaotic. That man cannot hold a logical thought and run with it. It is exasperating arguing with him. I cry out of sheer frustration most of the time with him. We did work things out, even if I was pushing for some kind of confirmation from him that he is not happy in the situation. But I never got it. I don't understand... I really don't.
One minute he's saying he wants to live like a separated couple, and we're talking about moving to separate apartments, and he actually told me that it wouldn't work right away because our contract runs out in June... (which to me means he'd thought about it!), and he's telling me that I do not show him that I love him in any way or form. And the next minute he's telling me I've got it all wrong.
Nonetheless we've come to the conclusion that he's not doing anything for me anymore, neither cooking nor laundry nor groceries. He's washing his own dishes and tidying up after dinner and lunch, keeping the kitchen clean after he cooks (which is usually my job), and we'll see how it goes for now. I'm cool with that I guess. It means I have more freedom to decide what to do with my time. I'm not a person that really LOVES to sit down and eat. I like to eat good things quickly so I can go do other things. I don't want to spend hours, like the Italians, sitting at a dinner table.
Getting groceries is not difficult for me, I go past 2 grocery stores coming home from work.
The real question is... was it better to stick with it or break it off?? I was dreaming, in a certain sense, of getting my own apartment. I already had it lined up (a friend of mine is moving out of hers, it's free now since she lives with her boyf). I was dreaming of my space, of studio space in her garage, of being able to be up late to work on art projects, big things, and spending time on internet not worrying that he's going to be a drag about it. I dreamt of having a cat, and guests over for drinking parties...
But when I talked to Rob briefly this evening he pointed out it would have caused other problems... I'm honestly not sure if they outweigh the positive sides for me. But... there are the negative sides. Like family friends coming to visit in June, and tickets for a huge trip bought and planned for North America this summer, not to mention of course feelings of loss and depression and me missing him... which I'm sure I will from the first night I go to a different apartment. And I'm sure there are others that I cannot see due to my own stupidity and blindness.
Today (after the argument) he actually tried to convince me to buy a house with him... not that we have the money for it.... but he showed me pictures and everything.
Ok so now I'm just rambling.... .
I must thank each and every one of you for writing such heartfelt comments, I appreciated each and every one, and they were another source of tongue biting to keep me from crying today and last night.
There are people I need to email and haven't in a while, please forgive me and I will hopefully have time to get to that very soon.
You guys are all so great, I really love you all. I don't know where I'd be without you. And as for Michael, you are probably right... riding it through before making decisions is the wisest thing to do....
I got word on my computer too, it's covered on the warranty, so I'm taking it in tomorrow to have it fixed. I hope they give it to me right away. I don't want to wait. I'm just glad anyhow... so yay for that.
Again when Co-worker and I went to lunch together (since bf is not cooking anymore), at the end of lunch as we were leaving he said, "you look sad", "you look thoughtful". And he told me to "be good" as we were leaving... but it was tear jerking knowing he knew things were up. He asked me how bf took me getting home plastered at 3 am, and I said, "don't even ask, things are so rough right now". I had to change the subject or I would have cried.
The argument with bf was as it usually is, very chaotic. That man cannot hold a logical thought and run with it. It is exasperating arguing with him. I cry out of sheer frustration most of the time with him. We did work things out, even if I was pushing for some kind of confirmation from him that he is not happy in the situation. But I never got it. I don't understand... I really don't.
One minute he's saying he wants to live like a separated couple, and we're talking about moving to separate apartments, and he actually told me that it wouldn't work right away because our contract runs out in June... (which to me means he'd thought about it!), and he's telling me that I do not show him that I love him in any way or form. And the next minute he's telling me I've got it all wrong.
Nonetheless we've come to the conclusion that he's not doing anything for me anymore, neither cooking nor laundry nor groceries. He's washing his own dishes and tidying up after dinner and lunch, keeping the kitchen clean after he cooks (which is usually my job), and we'll see how it goes for now. I'm cool with that I guess. It means I have more freedom to decide what to do with my time. I'm not a person that really LOVES to sit down and eat. I like to eat good things quickly so I can go do other things. I don't want to spend hours, like the Italians, sitting at a dinner table.
Getting groceries is not difficult for me, I go past 2 grocery stores coming home from work.
The real question is... was it better to stick with it or break it off?? I was dreaming, in a certain sense, of getting my own apartment. I already had it lined up (a friend of mine is moving out of hers, it's free now since she lives with her boyf). I was dreaming of my space, of studio space in her garage, of being able to be up late to work on art projects, big things, and spending time on internet not worrying that he's going to be a drag about it. I dreamt of having a cat, and guests over for drinking parties...
But when I talked to Rob briefly this evening he pointed out it would have caused other problems... I'm honestly not sure if they outweigh the positive sides for me. But... there are the negative sides. Like family friends coming to visit in June, and tickets for a huge trip bought and planned for North America this summer, not to mention of course feelings of loss and depression and me missing him... which I'm sure I will from the first night I go to a different apartment. And I'm sure there are others that I cannot see due to my own stupidity and blindness.
Today (after the argument) he actually tried to convince me to buy a house with him... not that we have the money for it.... but he showed me pictures and everything.
Ok so now I'm just rambling.... .
I must thank each and every one of you for writing such heartfelt comments, I appreciated each and every one, and they were another source of tongue biting to keep me from crying today and last night.
There are people I need to email and haven't in a while, please forgive me and I will hopefully have time to get to that very soon.
You guys are all so great, I really love you all. I don't know where I'd be without you. And as for Michael, you are probably right... riding it through before making decisions is the wisest thing to do....
I got word on my computer too, it's covered on the warranty, so I'm taking it in tomorrow to have it fixed. I hope they give it to me right away. I don't want to wait. I'm just glad anyhow... so yay for that.
Decisions
I've thought about it most of the night.
I think I'm going to tell him it's over this afternoon.
There are so many more reasons to let go than there are to hold on.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Today
Co-Worker
Work was more than normal. There was no mention of the night out and even less touching than normal... almost avoiding touching. But we joked and talked as if nothing were different. There was only one hint at a comment he made. He asked me to raise my left hand fast... I always have to think about it because my brain doesn't register the foreign language right away. It was something he had me doing on occasion throughout our night. And so today he asked me while I wasn't paying attention today at work...
His friend Andy answered me on fb the other day, and this evening told me to look at the moon on my wall. Now I'm starting to wonder whether this Andy guy is interested in me, maybe he saw my pic on Co-worker's page or something and asked him to organize something... who knows... I get all sorts of crazy ideas. Anyhow I do like Andy he's cool, but I don't know him well enough to say that I'm really attracted to him. I have more feeling/attraction for co-worker.
BF
Bf and I are going through a really rough few days and he as hinted at separating. It's hard to tell with him what the heck he's trying to get at, and I keep asking him, and he keeps backing out of his so called angry decisions. He now wants to stop doing anything at all for me. He's sick and tired of cooking for me, doing my laundry and doing the shopping for the both of us... I don't blame him. So he wants to separate it all. I'll do my own cooking, and washing up, groceries, laundry and whatever else.
It makes perfect sense to me. But he started it all with saying that we should live like a separated couple and when pushed about what he meant and I asked if he wanted to get separate apartments he said, we can't do that right away, we have to wait a bit first because our contract ends in June.
So who knows what the heck he's got on his brain... I'm confused. I had even thought of it, of saying that I wanted to move out. But I was afraid it would sound like the only reason for me to stay with him was because he was cooking and cleaning and whatever else, so if he stopped I wouldn't be able to handle living together without it.
I don't know if we're both thinking the same thing and just afraid to say it, or whether he really does want to stay on with me and just not continue doing what he has been doing.
I don't know what I want. I really don't. Sometimes things seem to be fine for so long, and then all hell breaks loose with everything and things fall apart. Sometimes I think that all I really want is my space and other times when I know I'd really miss him. But how much does one weigh over the other?...
He's convinced I don't love him, and that I don't show my love for him... I think he needs someone to cook and clean for him. I think that's the only "type" of love that he understands he was brought up that way. And vice versa I feel like I need some kind of intellectual counterpart, someone I can talk to about music or art or films and have them understand something.
One of the great things about going out the other eve to the concert was the fact that we spoke about music, and they understood what I was talking about and we were having cool conversations about different types of music and I miss that so much it hurts sometimes. I NEED that kind of interaction with people and it would be nice to have that with my partner. But he can't give that to me and I can't give him what he wants.
Rob
I've been missing Rob terribly during this whole period, the weekend, apart from the concert that was kinda harsh. I wished I could just escape and spend hours online with him, but it doesn't work that way. I had to force myself not to text him today. I couldn't stop thinking about him and just wanting to hear from him. But I worry that I get to be too much sometimes and I try to force myself lay off. The nice thing was I came home to an email from him saying that he was thinking about me and asked when I'd be on. That made me smile and I was definitely thankful for the contact.
I will update on the bf situation. And the Co-worker situation of course.
Work was more than normal. There was no mention of the night out and even less touching than normal... almost avoiding touching. But we joked and talked as if nothing were different. There was only one hint at a comment he made. He asked me to raise my left hand fast... I always have to think about it because my brain doesn't register the foreign language right away. It was something he had me doing on occasion throughout our night. And so today he asked me while I wasn't paying attention today at work...
His friend Andy answered me on fb the other day, and this evening told me to look at the moon on my wall. Now I'm starting to wonder whether this Andy guy is interested in me, maybe he saw my pic on Co-worker's page or something and asked him to organize something... who knows... I get all sorts of crazy ideas. Anyhow I do like Andy he's cool, but I don't know him well enough to say that I'm really attracted to him. I have more feeling/attraction for co-worker.
BF
Bf and I are going through a really rough few days and he as hinted at separating. It's hard to tell with him what the heck he's trying to get at, and I keep asking him, and he keeps backing out of his so called angry decisions. He now wants to stop doing anything at all for me. He's sick and tired of cooking for me, doing my laundry and doing the shopping for the both of us... I don't blame him. So he wants to separate it all. I'll do my own cooking, and washing up, groceries, laundry and whatever else.
It makes perfect sense to me. But he started it all with saying that we should live like a separated couple and when pushed about what he meant and I asked if he wanted to get separate apartments he said, we can't do that right away, we have to wait a bit first because our contract ends in June.
So who knows what the heck he's got on his brain... I'm confused. I had even thought of it, of saying that I wanted to move out. But I was afraid it would sound like the only reason for me to stay with him was because he was cooking and cleaning and whatever else, so if he stopped I wouldn't be able to handle living together without it.
I don't know if we're both thinking the same thing and just afraid to say it, or whether he really does want to stay on with me and just not continue doing what he has been doing.
I don't know what I want. I really don't. Sometimes things seem to be fine for so long, and then all hell breaks loose with everything and things fall apart. Sometimes I think that all I really want is my space and other times when I know I'd really miss him. But how much does one weigh over the other?...
He's convinced I don't love him, and that I don't show my love for him... I think he needs someone to cook and clean for him. I think that's the only "type" of love that he understands he was brought up that way. And vice versa I feel like I need some kind of intellectual counterpart, someone I can talk to about music or art or films and have them understand something.
One of the great things about going out the other eve to the concert was the fact that we spoke about music, and they understood what I was talking about and we were having cool conversations about different types of music and I miss that so much it hurts sometimes. I NEED that kind of interaction with people and it would be nice to have that with my partner. But he can't give that to me and I can't give him what he wants.
Rob
I've been missing Rob terribly during this whole period, the weekend, apart from the concert that was kinda harsh. I wished I could just escape and spend hours online with him, but it doesn't work that way. I had to force myself not to text him today. I couldn't stop thinking about him and just wanting to hear from him. But I worry that I get to be too much sometimes and I try to force myself lay off. The nice thing was I came home to an email from him saying that he was thinking about me and asked when I'd be on. That made me smile and I was definitely thankful for the contact.
I will update on the bf situation. And the Co-worker situation of course.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Here's what happened.
How was it you ask?
Well it was more than I was expecting, yet a lot less than what you probably think.
So it started with a radio recording for a web-station the music was amazing, but interspersed with boring conversations and interviews. There wasn't enough music. No-one I knew was there luckily. I spent the whole hour sitting next to co-worker, co worker in the middle and Andy (the same guy from the other concert) on the other side, but all I could think of when the music wasn't playing was that I wanted to touch him. But I had no reason to.
The reality of the situation was that there were two concerts. The second concert started at 10. during the interval we grabbed a drink, I had a gin sour, and they make them strong here. And I was pretty giddy after that. Andy was adamant on going somewhere else so we headed to a little bar/cafe that is basically right next to my place (which was a bit nerve wracking but again no-one I recognised). And we decided to get tequila shots there. By this point there hadn't been any touching, nothing, not even on the same level as work. We talked a lot, had some super interesting conversations about music and languages. We had three rounds of tequila shots, and counting that I had had the gin on top of that I was pretty drunk by the time we walked out. We were headed to the club where we went to the first concert. It's out of town and Andy drove.
I had actually gone back home briefly to park my bike, but since I have a courtyard bf didn't see me or hear me. It was midnight.
We got to the club and there was a concert ending. The dj started, and that's when the touching started... ok so it wasn't anything special. It was just lots of contact for no reason. I was flirting hard with both of them actually. A little less with Andy, but he still had his share of attention. We all got on the dance floor and danced. At one point co-worker and I swing danced a little. We had more tequila at the club too, and I was wasted. There was face touching at one point, he grabbed it with both hands, and looked me straight in the eye and asked me a question that I don't remember. And I caressed his.
It was all a bit of a blur from all the tequila, I think I must have had 4 or 5 shots of tequila plus the gin sour and a glass of wine with a girlfriend at 7...
The only really relevant thing happened in the car while they were driving me home. It was all my doing, and I was extremely aware of my choices and actions. I was sitting in the back seat, one arm over each of the two front seats. And I reached around and slid my fingers up co-worker's neck into his hair, back down, and just basically kept running my fingers on his neck. He never looked at me, but his head moved in rhythm with my hand and the skin on the nape of his neck was so soft. If we had been alone I would have kissed him. But we weren't alone.
Thinking back on it today I'm sure that if I had played it differently, if I were a different type of girl I could have had them both in a bed that evening fucking me. But I'm not that kind of girl...
They drove me home, it was after 3 when I got home. Bf called me while we were in the car all pissed off asking me if I knew what time it was.
I was obviously hung over today, I woke up at 9 and didn't get out of bed until 1pm. Bf was furious this morning and we had a massive argument that didn't really end well. There was a lot of yelling, and I think that bf probably figured out that his whole argument wasn't making a lot of sense. But going out until 3 and coming home plastered didn't help at all, obviously.
I sent a thank you email to both Andy and co-worker, for the ride home and hoping they got home ok, they both live out of town. So they had a long way to go. I just got an answer from Andy saying that we should do it again.
I am still sitting, I haven't really been able to stay on my feet too long today. I'm exhausted and my hands are shaky. But it was worth it. I'm just kinda sad that things with bf are in the state they are. I'm not sure what is going to come of it all. But we still need to talk things through calmly.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
another concert with co-worker!?!
Co-worker just sent me a message asking if I wanted to go to a concert with him and his friend. This time the message said "Andy and I are headed to XYZ for a concert this evening at 10. you decide". No mention of his gf...
I had an argument with bf this morning and am not talking to him. If I went I wouldn't see him before he gets back... I want to go...I've been in such a crappy mood that I need it.
But leaving before he got home and then returning really late might be a problem with bf, he'd probably flip if I did that.
Correction: the concert starts at 8pm I'm going...
I had an argument with bf this morning and am not talking to him. If I went I wouldn't see him before he gets back... I want to go...I've been in such a crappy mood that I need it.
But leaving before he got home and then returning really late might be a problem with bf, he'd probably flip if I did that.
Correction: the concert starts at 8pm I'm going...
Friday, April 15, 2011
apples and oranges
After a camomile tea I felt somewhat better last night. But that didn't stop me from meeting up with Rob on skype. I was so f***ing horny that..... nevermind... yeah it was good.... three I think. It must be a record or something. By the end my cheeks (face... get your mind out of the gutter!) were bright red and I was dripping... not just sweat either. He just kept talking, and I kept working, he kept telling me not to stop, so I didn't.
I've been trying to work out details for my London trip, different places I will go, and stay. I'm leaving it flexible enough that I can make changes. Even if Rob doesn't come it will be good.
I've also been struggling with a new computer my dad got me for my birthday (no it's not my birthday yet, but it will be soon) he will be sending me the money for this new Macbook pro. I've bought it, but as soon as I opened it up and had all my info transferred, the number 8 key popped off. I mean I hadn't even used the keyboard yet! And the store says that there's no way to prove that it came like that. So now I have to deal with the apple dealer and see if Apple will cover it. It's under warranty, except this is considered improper use. WTF?!? man! so annoying.
Anyhow I love Macs and will never every go back to windows. I hate windows. But the hardware is something that pisses me off sometimes. I've bought two Macs in my life. The first time I had to take it back to the shop 2 times, had a problem with the isight camera, and had the motherboard changed.
Now on a macbook pro that has a totally steel body, the key pops off??? Not only that, but they can't just replace the key, they have to replace the WHOLE KEYBOARD!?!
So now I'm frustrated because I can't use it. :( and I'm just hoping they get back to me about whether it's covered on the apple warranty.
I've been trying to work out details for my London trip, different places I will go, and stay. I'm leaving it flexible enough that I can make changes. Even if Rob doesn't come it will be good.
I've also been struggling with a new computer my dad got me for my birthday (no it's not my birthday yet, but it will be soon) he will be sending me the money for this new Macbook pro. I've bought it, but as soon as I opened it up and had all my info transferred, the number 8 key popped off. I mean I hadn't even used the keyboard yet! And the store says that there's no way to prove that it came like that. So now I have to deal with the apple dealer and see if Apple will cover it. It's under warranty, except this is considered improper use. WTF?!? man! so annoying.
Anyhow I love Macs and will never every go back to windows. I hate windows. But the hardware is something that pisses me off sometimes. I've bought two Macs in my life. The first time I had to take it back to the shop 2 times, had a problem with the isight camera, and had the motherboard changed.
Now on a macbook pro that has a totally steel body, the key pops off??? Not only that, but they can't just replace the key, they have to replace the WHOLE KEYBOARD!?!
So now I'm frustrated because I can't use it. :( and I'm just hoping they get back to me about whether it's covered on the apple warranty.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
OMG
OMG
I think I might blow up.... Rob actually booked and paid for a room in a hotel.
He texted me early this afternoon while I was in a lesson. After which I was completely oblivious to everything that was going on around me. My student kept looking at me and trying to not laugh. I was trying super hard not to smile. I couldn't concentrate on the sentences she was translating... oh man.
Ok... so it's still not 100%... but it's a step closer than last time.
I just have to stay calm.
stay calm
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
HNT black and white... but mostly black bikini
No click thru this week, just a couple of black bikini pics as promised.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Orgasms, blowjobs, erotic illustrations and squid masturbation (!?!)
This week I'm basically home. I have very few lessons to deal with and I'm not really going in to work this week. So with a little extra time, I thought I'd share a few things I've found around in the past few months but haven't had time to post about.
The first is a really warm thank you to Ebony Panther over at Amorous Ebony Chronicles . Make sure to go visit his site. He has revamped it and has a great variation of videos every week, amazing pics of photography of both men and women, as well as a weekly selection of a porn star from yesteryear and a mainstream film with erotic content. The interesting thing here is that he has also named one of his posts after me based on my mentioning having liked to watch a gay porn of one guy giving another a blowjob, so there will be a selection of gay blowjob videos selected for our pleasure. They are all marked "for Cande" and can be skipped if it is not your cup of tea.
Another is someone I've mentioned before, but I think she needs more followers so head over to see Johanna hit her numbered orgasms at Orgasms of Johanna. She has a story similar to mine and I find her blog to be extremely helpful for online relationship feelings and thoughts, as well as a description of each and every orgasm. She confided that she may even start HNTing... I'm looking forward to that :-D
Another amazing blog that I've come across thanks to Johanna's followers list was Dessins de Denis . He is an artist, an erotic illustrator, and being from the art world myself I adore his stuff. He is French so the blog is in French but it is definitely worth visiting since his posts are all images. Has over 800 followers and obviously deserves it!
I heard about this in a sort of porn documentary. It was about this woman who's a pornography director, and she does porn for women. Her name is Erika Lust and she has also written a book about it. She has a blog that deals with all sorts from the looks (I haven't had time to dedicate to that yet). So go visit her website and blog. Very interesting indeed.
The last thing I'm going to give you guys is THIS site which almost had me pee my pants it was so funny. As far as I can tell it's a website that collects different masturbation techniques for men and women... but mostly men. It also has ingeniously hilarious suggestions for different things men can use and do to get off... there's even a whole food section... top of the list "squid"!!! Don't miss the "jello in a ziplock bag", "warm cream filled cupcakes", frozen liver (!?!?!) and SO MUCH MORE!!! I know... it's a must read. :-D
The first is a really warm thank you to Ebony Panther over at Amorous Ebony Chronicles . Make sure to go visit his site. He has revamped it and has a great variation of videos every week, amazing pics of photography of both men and women, as well as a weekly selection of a porn star from yesteryear and a mainstream film with erotic content. The interesting thing here is that he has also named one of his posts after me based on my mentioning having liked to watch a gay porn of one guy giving another a blowjob, so there will be a selection of gay blowjob videos selected for our pleasure. They are all marked "for Cande" and can be skipped if it is not your cup of tea.
Another is someone I've mentioned before, but I think she needs more followers so head over to see Johanna hit her numbered orgasms at Orgasms of Johanna. She has a story similar to mine and I find her blog to be extremely helpful for online relationship feelings and thoughts, as well as a description of each and every orgasm. She confided that she may even start HNTing... I'm looking forward to that :-D
Another amazing blog that I've come across thanks to Johanna's followers list was Dessins de Denis . He is an artist, an erotic illustrator, and being from the art world myself I adore his stuff. He is French so the blog is in French but it is definitely worth visiting since his posts are all images. Has over 800 followers and obviously deserves it!
I heard about this in a sort of porn documentary. It was about this woman who's a pornography director, and she does porn for women. Her name is Erika Lust and she has also written a book about it. She has a blog that deals with all sorts from the looks (I haven't had time to dedicate to that yet). So go visit her website and blog. Very interesting indeed.
The last thing I'm going to give you guys is THIS site which almost had me pee my pants it was so funny. As far as I can tell it's a website that collects different masturbation techniques for men and women... but mostly men. It also has ingeniously hilarious suggestions for different things men can use and do to get off... there's even a whole food section... top of the list "squid"!!! Don't miss the "jello in a ziplock bag", "warm cream filled cupcakes", frozen liver (!?!?!) and SO MUCH MORE!!! I know... it's a must read. :-D
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Concert
Ahhh the concert... ha... well my doubts were indeed founded.
I got to the club at 9, the concert was supposed to start at 9:30, but since it was in a nearby town I'd never been to and I had no idea where the place was I left a little early. I found parking immediately. The place was practically empty, so I got myself a virgin cocktail (I don't drink and drive) and I waited. And waited. And waited. When 9:30 came round I figured Co-worker and his friend would be there by then, so I texted him. After 5 minutes he called, from someone else's phone to tell me they'd be there in 30 minutes and asked if the concert had started. I told him the concert hadn't started and I figured that it wouldn't start before 10. He said, ok we'll see you "around", when we get there.
Strange, I thought... "we'll see you around" is an odd way of putting things.
Anyhow by 10 o'clock the place was pretty full and I still hadn't caught a glimpse of Co-worker, so I decided to head over to the bar and grab a bottle of water. Sure enough he was there with his friend. In black a leather jacket a black shirt that buttoned at the neck and he obviously had it open a little too low down to his sternum. Damn.... I couldn't help but stare at times. His friend wasn't bad either. He presented me his friend and Co-worker asked if I was able to convince anyone else to come.... and well the conversation went on. Then this woman with a mass of micro-braided hair that seemed to be standing with a group of other women started to turn around and Co-worker said: "oh, you remember...Maybe you didn't recognize her with her hair like this." She turned around and it was his gf... lol..
I wasn't in the least surprised. I was expecting it almost. I should have asked him if she was going. But once I ask it sounds like I'm interested in going and then if I don't go it would have looked like I didn't want to go because his gf was going to be there... sooo anyhow I was right.
Apart from that it was a pleasantish evening. They didn't abandon me luckily.
The concert didn't start until 11, and then the singer did a 45 minute concert. So I waited for it to start longer than the concert lasted. I wasn't too keen on the music, but not many others were either. The singer was a good singer but nothing terribly interesting.
I think that it was probably a good thing that his gf was there. I saw other people I knew quite well at the concert. Including a friend of both bf and mine. So it would have been extremely risky.
I was also surprised at how much attention Co-worker dedicated to me during the concert. He didn't talk to his gf much, she seemed to be flirting with Co-worker's friend a little too... We talked about the instruments on stage and the music and the singer. There was no touching... none. Not like at work, where it's constant. But the attention was there. And I caught his gf eyeing me at one point while we were talking. It was just a "what are they doing" kind of look.
I like his gf, she's really nice. She's also very very pretty.
I think I will have to re-evaluate my expectations with Co-worker. The flirting will continue, but probably not for anything more.
I got to the club at 9, the concert was supposed to start at 9:30, but since it was in a nearby town I'd never been to and I had no idea where the place was I left a little early. I found parking immediately. The place was practically empty, so I got myself a virgin cocktail (I don't drink and drive) and I waited. And waited. And waited. When 9:30 came round I figured Co-worker and his friend would be there by then, so I texted him. After 5 minutes he called, from someone else's phone to tell me they'd be there in 30 minutes and asked if the concert had started. I told him the concert hadn't started and I figured that it wouldn't start before 10. He said, ok we'll see you "around", when we get there.
Strange, I thought... "we'll see you around" is an odd way of putting things.
Anyhow by 10 o'clock the place was pretty full and I still hadn't caught a glimpse of Co-worker, so I decided to head over to the bar and grab a bottle of water. Sure enough he was there with his friend. In black a leather jacket a black shirt that buttoned at the neck and he obviously had it open a little too low down to his sternum. Damn.... I couldn't help but stare at times. His friend wasn't bad either. He presented me his friend and Co-worker asked if I was able to convince anyone else to come.... and well the conversation went on. Then this woman with a mass of micro-braided hair that seemed to be standing with a group of other women started to turn around and Co-worker said: "oh, you remember...Maybe you didn't recognize her with her hair like this." She turned around and it was his gf... lol..
I wasn't in the least surprised. I was expecting it almost. I should have asked him if she was going. But once I ask it sounds like I'm interested in going and then if I don't go it would have looked like I didn't want to go because his gf was going to be there... sooo anyhow I was right.
Apart from that it was a pleasantish evening. They didn't abandon me luckily.
The concert didn't start until 11, and then the singer did a 45 minute concert. So I waited for it to start longer than the concert lasted. I wasn't too keen on the music, but not many others were either. The singer was a good singer but nothing terribly interesting.
I think that it was probably a good thing that his gf was there. I saw other people I knew quite well at the concert. Including a friend of both bf and mine. So it would have been extremely risky.
I was also surprised at how much attention Co-worker dedicated to me during the concert. He didn't talk to his gf much, she seemed to be flirting with Co-worker's friend a little too... We talked about the instruments on stage and the music and the singer. There was no touching... none. Not like at work, where it's constant. But the attention was there. And I caught his gf eyeing me at one point while we were talking. It was just a "what are they doing" kind of look.
I like his gf, she's really nice. She's also very very pretty.
I think I will have to re-evaluate my expectations with Co-worker. The flirting will continue, but probably not for anything more.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Overload
So I'm in overload at the moment... so much so that I don't know where to start.
Lets start with sex.
This morning bf came to keep me company in bed after I woke up. We ended up having sex. Since it had been over a month since we'd had any it was very unlikely that I'd be able to reach orgasm mainly due to the fact that bf can't last long enough. So it was a constant fight to keep him from cuming. We played it well though. Bf tried to get me to cum before penetration, but it wasn't happening, although I was enjoying it thoroughly, I just wasn't ready yet. Then I was on top for a while, but it was too good, and we had to stop before bf came. So then I just laid on my back while bf's hand was under my ass, one finger slipped in there, and one in my pussy and I decided that If I wanted to cum I had to work my clit myself, and It was good, really good, I made lots of noise, it was one of those orgasms that has a steady intensity and than it hits the maximum climax... but bf pulled his hands away before I actually reached the total climax, I guess I'm considering it an orgasm anyhow, it was basically full blown, it just hadn't ended. But then I had to have more, so I jumped on top of him, slid his cock inside me, and to keep him from cuming I kept stimulating, there was no movement at all... I was still, with him inside me, stimulating my clit. His hands on my ass keeping me in place, and I had a massive orgasm, and was yelling so loud that bf had to stick his hand in my mouth... ok so the palm... I ended up biting down pretty hard, he actually said "ow". lol - Good start to a good day.
Co-worker
The concert is this evening. I have my ticket. I texted Co-worker to tell him but I haven't heard back. I wonder if he is afraid of his gf seeing it or something. I'm a little worried that he'll end up abandoning me to hang out with his friend and leave me in a corner somewhere hating the concert... It's not like this interests me much... but I'm sure I'll flirt with others if that happens.
Rob
The conversation the other day with Rob, the one that lasted an hour was basically him starting to bail on me. Except this time he's talking about it. Telling me to my face. He's talking about his fears and his thoughts. He says that his main fear is his emotions. He's afraid of what he'll feel afterward. He's afraid of "falling hard" for me. I'll throw in that he's probably afraid of his guilt. But on the other side he's afraid that he will regret it if he doesn't do it. Which is something that may push him to meet me.
What I really got out of that conversation was that our feelings for each other are probably stronger than we'd both like to admit. And the fact that I've been battling with this thought for so long really helps me put things into perspective. I now understand him and where I stand with him a bit better. I had never really understood, I was always doubting, wondering and of course a lot of guesswork.
I caught him online again last night, this time no audio. I asked him a few last things, things that had been nagging at me. One is still nagging and he wants to keep it that way.
I asked him about what he got out of this "relationship", why he keeps on with me. I asked him if I was a burden.. I sometimes feel like I'm getting more out of the situation than he is. He said he gets plenty out of it... and who cares who gets more (at least that was my interpretation).
Most of all I confronted him on the fact that I don't know his real last name. I still don't get it. He doesn't want to tell me. Says he wants to keep some anonymity, and he wants it to bug me.... kinda a tease I guess.
We talked about trust a bit. I asked him if he trusted me and he answered 100%. But if he doesn't want to tell me his last name to me that means that he doesn't trust me. When I kept asking, he said that it sounded like I didn't trust him... which I obviously do since he's in my Facebook friends, he knows my full name, last name, where I live, basically everything. Whereas I know nothing about where he is, what his name is... I don't feel like we're on even ground.
I told him that it didn't matter. That he didn't have to tell me. That it wouldn't change anything. It's the truth it won't. I will keep on wondering though, and to me it means that he doesn't trust me.
So there it is folks... the whole long story.
Lets start with sex.
This morning bf came to keep me company in bed after I woke up. We ended up having sex. Since it had been over a month since we'd had any it was very unlikely that I'd be able to reach orgasm mainly due to the fact that bf can't last long enough. So it was a constant fight to keep him from cuming. We played it well though. Bf tried to get me to cum before penetration, but it wasn't happening, although I was enjoying it thoroughly, I just wasn't ready yet. Then I was on top for a while, but it was too good, and we had to stop before bf came. So then I just laid on my back while bf's hand was under my ass, one finger slipped in there, and one in my pussy and I decided that If I wanted to cum I had to work my clit myself, and It was good, really good, I made lots of noise, it was one of those orgasms that has a steady intensity and than it hits the maximum climax... but bf pulled his hands away before I actually reached the total climax, I guess I'm considering it an orgasm anyhow, it was basically full blown, it just hadn't ended. But then I had to have more, so I jumped on top of him, slid his cock inside me, and to keep him from cuming I kept stimulating, there was no movement at all... I was still, with him inside me, stimulating my clit. His hands on my ass keeping me in place, and I had a massive orgasm, and was yelling so loud that bf had to stick his hand in my mouth... ok so the palm... I ended up biting down pretty hard, he actually said "ow". lol - Good start to a good day.
Co-worker
The concert is this evening. I have my ticket. I texted Co-worker to tell him but I haven't heard back. I wonder if he is afraid of his gf seeing it or something. I'm a little worried that he'll end up abandoning me to hang out with his friend and leave me in a corner somewhere hating the concert... It's not like this interests me much... but I'm sure I'll flirt with others if that happens.
Rob
The conversation the other day with Rob, the one that lasted an hour was basically him starting to bail on me. Except this time he's talking about it. Telling me to my face. He's talking about his fears and his thoughts. He says that his main fear is his emotions. He's afraid of what he'll feel afterward. He's afraid of "falling hard" for me. I'll throw in that he's probably afraid of his guilt. But on the other side he's afraid that he will regret it if he doesn't do it. Which is something that may push him to meet me.
What I really got out of that conversation was that our feelings for each other are probably stronger than we'd both like to admit. And the fact that I've been battling with this thought for so long really helps me put things into perspective. I now understand him and where I stand with him a bit better. I had never really understood, I was always doubting, wondering and of course a lot of guesswork.
I caught him online again last night, this time no audio. I asked him a few last things, things that had been nagging at me. One is still nagging and he wants to keep it that way.
I asked him about what he got out of this "relationship", why he keeps on with me. I asked him if I was a burden.. I sometimes feel like I'm getting more out of the situation than he is. He said he gets plenty out of it... and who cares who gets more (at least that was my interpretation).
Most of all I confronted him on the fact that I don't know his real last name. I still don't get it. He doesn't want to tell me. Says he wants to keep some anonymity, and he wants it to bug me.... kinda a tease I guess.
We talked about trust a bit. I asked him if he trusted me and he answered 100%. But if he doesn't want to tell me his last name to me that means that he doesn't trust me. When I kept asking, he said that it sounded like I didn't trust him... which I obviously do since he's in my Facebook friends, he knows my full name, last name, where I live, basically everything. Whereas I know nothing about where he is, what his name is... I don't feel like we're on even ground.
I told him that it didn't matter. That he didn't have to tell me. That it wouldn't change anything. It's the truth it won't. I will keep on wondering though, and to me it means that he doesn't trust me.
So there it is folks... the whole long story.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
so much going on.
Rob
It's a little overwhelming really. I finally caught up with Rob today, it was a 1 hour conversation. I'm not going to go into all the detail now. I just need the time to think through it all and figure things out. But it was important to me. It was a conversation that has changed my view on things, in a positive way. It may have its down side, but it's something I can deal with.
Co-Worker
Things have possibly been progressing with co-worker too. I can't understand him sometimes. And I'll probably get an idea this weekend of what's actually going on between us. He had been hinting this week about a concert on Sunday, telling me that his friend had tickets and that I should check out this singer, she is cool etc.... I kinda ignored it for a bit and then with some help I realized that it would be a good opportunity to figure things out. Since it's on Sunday bf will be at work, It's not far from here so I can get there on my own. So I invited Co-worker to lunch Thursday and again today. Today we had the possibility to talk a little on our own before the "others" arrived. I asked him about the tickets, prices and where to get them and stuff and I asked him again if he was going. I then mentioned it to Bf and it went down rather well. I just need to get my ticket.
Lunch itself was nice. I went and sat next to him today. We started out at a normal distance and as we spoke to a friend of ours sitting in front of us we kept moving closer and closer until our arms were touching. When our arms weren't touching our knees were... he used my as a sort of physical example of stuff while explaining something to our friend on the other side of the table, and it was another excuse to touch (for me at least). I have a hard time figuring out what's in my mind, what I do and what he does... I wonder if he just doesn't mind the proximity and he doesn't move away or if he notices it as much as I do... (unlikely).
Anyhow we'll see how things go Sunday.
I told Rob about the concert and he kept asking me if I wanted something to happen or if I wanted to get caught. He is convinced that I want to put myself in danger, that I'm looking for a way out of my relationship. I really just want some kind of concrete proof of what he really is up to. Maybe it's all in my mind... maybe his girlfriend will be at the concert.
It's a little overwhelming really. I finally caught up with Rob today, it was a 1 hour conversation. I'm not going to go into all the detail now. I just need the time to think through it all and figure things out. But it was important to me. It was a conversation that has changed my view on things, in a positive way. It may have its down side, but it's something I can deal with.
Co-Worker
Things have possibly been progressing with co-worker too. I can't understand him sometimes. And I'll probably get an idea this weekend of what's actually going on between us. He had been hinting this week about a concert on Sunday, telling me that his friend had tickets and that I should check out this singer, she is cool etc.... I kinda ignored it for a bit and then with some help I realized that it would be a good opportunity to figure things out. Since it's on Sunday bf will be at work, It's not far from here so I can get there on my own. So I invited Co-worker to lunch Thursday and again today. Today we had the possibility to talk a little on our own before the "others" arrived. I asked him about the tickets, prices and where to get them and stuff and I asked him again if he was going. I then mentioned it to Bf and it went down rather well. I just need to get my ticket.
Lunch itself was nice. I went and sat next to him today. We started out at a normal distance and as we spoke to a friend of ours sitting in front of us we kept moving closer and closer until our arms were touching. When our arms weren't touching our knees were... he used my as a sort of physical example of stuff while explaining something to our friend on the other side of the table, and it was another excuse to touch (for me at least). I have a hard time figuring out what's in my mind, what I do and what he does... I wonder if he just doesn't mind the proximity and he doesn't move away or if he notices it as much as I do... (unlikely).
Anyhow we'll see how things go Sunday.
I told Rob about the concert and he kept asking me if I wanted something to happen or if I wanted to get caught. He is convinced that I want to put myself in danger, that I'm looking for a way out of my relationship. I really just want some kind of concrete proof of what he really is up to. Maybe it's all in my mind... maybe his girlfriend will be at the concert.
Friday, April 8, 2011
late night meanderings in the mind
I think it was about bf and I not having sex... It was something about being resentful. I realized, I think, that bf tends to be resentful about having sex with me when I start things because he thinks that I only enjoy myself when I initiate. It's not something I'm making up either. It's something he told me once. I obviously told him it wasn't the case. But I must show some discomfort or lack of interest maybe when he initiates in the first phases, in the foreplay, because often it just doesn't do it for me. So I get the feeling that he may be subconsciously not interested if I try initiating. I wonder if that's the problem...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
HNT orange and pink bikini.
*click*
As promised. One of the bikini sets. Next week... black.
disclaimer. I only photoshopped to eliminate background colour.
Can also see a hint of tan ;-)
Whassup???
Haven't heard from the "Italian" yet... I suppose that's a good thing :D
Co-worker
Co-worker was a little more concentrated on me today. He's back to his flirty self. I have to admit that Monday and Tuesday there was the "other girl" there, the tall blond one that comes to work with us on occasion. She distracts him a little so I don't get the full blow of his flirting I guess. Even if I must say that yesterday he spent a lot of time with me.
Today though he was kinda all over the place. He kept patting me on the head. Looking to see what I was doing... looking at me and feeling sorry for me (I'm working on something that is driving me crazy), telling me to go away (jokingly) and then calling me back again, staring me down... and the list goes on.
The one thing that was almost inappropriate was when one of my female co-workers asked me what size I wore. It's an Italian size 38 (sometimes 36... that's somewhere around an American size 0-1) and I went looking for the size of my jeans on the tags inside. I undid my belt and co-worker was there saying "pull em down... go on, further, take em off"... I don't blame him, I loved the attention too. But gotta admit that it wasn't the best thing to do in front of my co-workers... Then again I probably should't have been looking for my tags at work either.
Ahh well, the joys of um... flirting I guess.
Rob
I haven't heard from Rob in ages. Probably since last week sometime... I think it was Thursday and even then it was a text message that just said "slut". before that I think the last time I'd heard from him was just when I wrote the "Last night" post.
HNT
I took all the pics for HNT and have them sitting there in my hidden file, but I haven't had time to go through them yet and decide which ones to use. I hope to get some time this afternoon, if not this evening to get that done and get the post set up for tomorrow. I have a translation to do this afternoon, I might be able to hide in the bedroom or something to work on it and do it then...
Co-worker
Co-worker was a little more concentrated on me today. He's back to his flirty self. I have to admit that Monday and Tuesday there was the "other girl" there, the tall blond one that comes to work with us on occasion. She distracts him a little so I don't get the full blow of his flirting I guess. Even if I must say that yesterday he spent a lot of time with me.
Today though he was kinda all over the place. He kept patting me on the head. Looking to see what I was doing... looking at me and feeling sorry for me (I'm working on something that is driving me crazy), telling me to go away (jokingly) and then calling me back again, staring me down... and the list goes on.
The one thing that was almost inappropriate was when one of my female co-workers asked me what size I wore. It's an Italian size 38 (sometimes 36... that's somewhere around an American size 0-1) and I went looking for the size of my jeans on the tags inside. I undid my belt and co-worker was there saying "pull em down... go on, further, take em off"... I don't blame him, I loved the attention too. But gotta admit that it wasn't the best thing to do in front of my co-workers... Then again I probably should't have been looking for my tags at work either.
Ahh well, the joys of um... flirting I guess.
Rob
I haven't heard from Rob in ages. Probably since last week sometime... I think it was Thursday and even then it was a text message that just said "slut". before that I think the last time I'd heard from him was just when I wrote the "Last night" post.
HNT
I took all the pics for HNT and have them sitting there in my hidden file, but I haven't had time to go through them yet and decide which ones to use. I hope to get some time this afternoon, if not this evening to get that done and get the post set up for tomorrow. I have a translation to do this afternoon, I might be able to hide in the bedroom or something to work on it and do it then...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Do you know me?
I am a little worried.
I'm sure it's nothing.
But there's someone in Italy here who has been reading my blog avidly for the past two days, perhaps more. It is someone with a Mac. And I often wonder if it is myself but the visit times do not coincide with my own. I fear it may be someone I know. Italy is a small country.
The IP address does not give a server company name. Which is also strange since mine does.
Anyhow here's my proposal:
Do you think you know me?
Why not email me... let's talk.
You'll find my email in my profile page on the right --------------------------------->
where it says "View complete profile"
Proposal two is:
You don't know me and you're reading my blog from Italy with a Mac.
Email me just the same to let me know so I don't worry myself silly. Yes, I speak Italian you can write me in your native tongue.
Thanks.
I'm sure it's nothing.
But there's someone in Italy here who has been reading my blog avidly for the past two days, perhaps more. It is someone with a Mac. And I often wonder if it is myself but the visit times do not coincide with my own. I fear it may be someone I know. Italy is a small country.
The IP address does not give a server company name. Which is also strange since mine does.
Anyhow here's my proposal:
Do you think you know me?
Why not email me... let's talk.
You'll find my email in my profile page on the right --------------------------------->
where it says "View complete profile"
Proposal two is:
You don't know me and you're reading my blog from Italy with a Mac.
Email me just the same to let me know so I don't worry myself silly. Yes, I speak Italian you can write me in your native tongue.
Thanks.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Weekend is over...
Weekend went well. Weather was decidedly sunny and hot. I'd say beach weather, but I didn't go to the beach. Could have on Sunday but opted to stay out on my own balcony. I pulled my bikinis out of the closet, two brand new bikinis that I didn't get a chance to try out last year. I got them on sale at the end of season sales. One black one with little silver beads on the bikini top. The other is orange and yellow, with a gold shimmer to it. It's mini plaid, with gold metal accents here and there.
I pulled them out and tried them on making sure I still fit into them and thought that they looked decent. Took some pictures and got off. lol... will think about getting them up for HNT this week.
I had dinner with friends on Friday (the same one I mentioned in the last post) it went well, didn't make dessert, but they brought some so it was cool. Then I had people over Saturday too to get rid of the leftovers. I was exhausted all day Saturday and Sunday, slept a lot, read a lot... and had a relatively nice Monday (like work). But I ended up with another tummy ache this afternoon and ended up coming home early, when I'd have preferred to stay on with Co-worker.
Plus there's another cute client this week. He has already showed a little more interest than the German guy from the last group, although he's a bit older and has already asked if I was married to an Italian.
When Co-worker saw me heading out this afternoon he said "aww where are you going? I wanna go too, let's go to the beach and have a drink of white wine together".... riiight with my tummy hurting as much as it was... the idea just made me cringe, but honestly I realised how easy it was to say something like that and be taken seriously.... will have to work on that. Yep yep... work on getting out together for drinks....
I pulled them out and tried them on making sure I still fit into them and thought that they looked decent. Took some pictures and got off. lol... will think about getting them up for HNT this week.
I had dinner with friends on Friday (the same one I mentioned in the last post) it went well, didn't make dessert, but they brought some so it was cool. Then I had people over Saturday too to get rid of the leftovers. I was exhausted all day Saturday and Sunday, slept a lot, read a lot... and had a relatively nice Monday (like work). But I ended up with another tummy ache this afternoon and ended up coming home early, when I'd have preferred to stay on with Co-worker.
Plus there's another cute client this week. He has already showed a little more interest than the German guy from the last group, although he's a bit older and has already asked if I was married to an Italian.
When Co-worker saw me heading out this afternoon he said "aww where are you going? I wanna go too, let's go to the beach and have a drink of white wine together".... riiight with my tummy hurting as much as it was... the idea just made me cringe, but honestly I realised how easy it was to say something like that and be taken seriously.... will have to work on that. Yep yep... work on getting out together for drinks....
Friday, April 1, 2011
On Edge.
It's been coming on for a few days. But today (hopefully) is the height of it (and the last of it).
Here's why:
1) I've been super horny the past few days. It's so bad I don't know what to do with myself. I really can't do anything that will ease the sensation.
2) Last night I went to the theatre to watch a friend of mine on stage. He's in this little drama club directed by co-worker. So I really went there to see them both. Bf didn't come. I caught a ride with an ex student of mine and her hubby.
Her hubby has connections to bf's old job and that in itself put me on edge. I think he's a bit of a jerk.
3) I caught co-worker at half time during the play and had a chat. He was busy and ran off to co-ordinate the actors. Then I caught him again at the end of the play and congratulated him on the good job they did. The evening started well and ended well, it was funny. I really enjoyed it. But I had created this stupid scenario where I'd not get the same ride back home, but I wanted to get a ride home with someone else and spend some time with the crew and (especially) co-worker. But that obviously didn't happen.
4) I woke up this morning hoping to go into work to get about a half hour's work done quickly. This evening I've got guests for dinner and I wanted to get home late morning to prepare a dessert. But the girl who was supposed to sit and help me get my work done was really distracted and it took me 3 hours to do what should have taken 30 minutes. It pissed me off because I don't get paid for what I do when I go in like that.
4b) I didn't get a dessert made and I feel guilty about it. I wish I could have prepared something. I will have to pick up some ice-cream later.
4b) I did however get to see co-worker and at one moment this morning I was almost overwhelmed feeling really lucky to be working in such a cool environment with such cool people. That was before I realised it was going to take me 3 hours to get my work done. I got home a half hour later than I normally do.
5) The boss pissed me off this morning... and I just didn't want to deal with anyone (with the exception of co-worker of course) by the end of the morning.
6) I am feeling needy,lonely and in need of petting, romance and love but it's lacking unfortunately. I know, it's just hormones and I'm really just emotional and as my best friend said, I may be a little ADD and need constant adrenaline... so when it's lacking I feel like I'll go stir crazy.
7) The other thing that is tolling on me is that I'm fighting off my emotions around the London thing... I need to get more distance... I need to back away a little more... So I'll be laying off and trying not to think about it... the recent booking of my hostel had me thinking about it way too much.
I'm trying to cool off... but this dinner also has me on edge... I'm sure it'll be fun. But it's always stressful.
Luckily the weather is amazing, spending time outside is a definite, and I just need space or something... or maybe a good hard fuck... ugh.
Here's why:
1) I've been super horny the past few days. It's so bad I don't know what to do with myself. I really can't do anything that will ease the sensation.
2) Last night I went to the theatre to watch a friend of mine on stage. He's in this little drama club directed by co-worker. So I really went there to see them both. Bf didn't come. I caught a ride with an ex student of mine and her hubby.
Her hubby has connections to bf's old job and that in itself put me on edge. I think he's a bit of a jerk.
3) I caught co-worker at half time during the play and had a chat. He was busy and ran off to co-ordinate the actors. Then I caught him again at the end of the play and congratulated him on the good job they did. The evening started well and ended well, it was funny. I really enjoyed it. But I had created this stupid scenario where I'd not get the same ride back home, but I wanted to get a ride home with someone else and spend some time with the crew and (especially) co-worker. But that obviously didn't happen.
4) I woke up this morning hoping to go into work to get about a half hour's work done quickly. This evening I've got guests for dinner and I wanted to get home late morning to prepare a dessert. But the girl who was supposed to sit and help me get my work done was really distracted and it took me 3 hours to do what should have taken 30 minutes. It pissed me off because I don't get paid for what I do when I go in like that.
4b) I didn't get a dessert made and I feel guilty about it. I wish I could have prepared something. I will have to pick up some ice-cream later.
4b) I did however get to see co-worker and at one moment this morning I was almost overwhelmed feeling really lucky to be working in such a cool environment with such cool people. That was before I realised it was going to take me 3 hours to get my work done. I got home a half hour later than I normally do.
5) The boss pissed me off this morning... and I just didn't want to deal with anyone (with the exception of co-worker of course) by the end of the morning.
6) I am feeling needy,lonely and in need of petting, romance and love but it's lacking unfortunately. I know, it's just hormones and I'm really just emotional and as my best friend said, I may be a little ADD and need constant adrenaline... so when it's lacking I feel like I'll go stir crazy.
7) The other thing that is tolling on me is that I'm fighting off my emotions around the London thing... I need to get more distance... I need to back away a little more... So I'll be laying off and trying not to think about it... the recent booking of my hostel had me thinking about it way too much.
I'm trying to cool off... but this dinner also has me on edge... I'm sure it'll be fun. But it's always stressful.
Luckily the weather is amazing, spending time outside is a definite, and I just need space or something... or maybe a good hard fuck... ugh.
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