Fucking Season is Open

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Alternate Realities.

I'm sitting here with the intention of doing a lot but instead I feel overwhelmed. I just made myself cum, maybe a half hour ago and I shared it with Rob for the first time since we met up. I slowly sent pictures of the whole process. They were black and white taken in my white armchair. I had knee high stockings on, the same ones I wore as he fucked me in England, and a pair of panties, not much else. And no, I'm not posting them, they are for him only.
I worked alone, he wasn't an active participant in my orgasm, he was at work. I sent them knowing he was enjoying them, reading his words of encouragement but working alone in my fantasies.
I knelt down in front of the chair on a little foot stool. I took the last few pictures and then I switched to video. I wanted to send a clip of me cumming. I bent over to lean on the chair and as I did the memories of him fucking me over the back of an armchair flooded my mind and my orgasm hit hard. I wasn't ready, I wasn't expecting it. Video-op lost.

Since we met I've been quiet with him. I had to take some time. I was in what I could only describe as a 'rut'. He asked me about my rut after I came. I tried to explain it in a text, but he already knows. It's not hard to figure out. I had a million things going on in my mind and they were obscuring reality. I have found that without realizing it we delude ourselves into thinking things, even if we consciously know that they can't happen. It's like we know something through to the core but there's a minuscule part of us that still hopes or believes or wishes it could be different. And maybe it is, in a parallel universe somewhere, maybe that's why that one little part is so convincing.

I'll be leaving for a long trip at the end of December with the Bf. We'll be travelling for 50 days, Panama and Costa Rica. I am really looking forward to this. I love Mexico and Central America so I think it'll be good. I am also looking forward to the time away. I'll still be connected, on occasion, I think. But I hope to take a step back from everything from work to the internet.

I had a lot planned this afternoon. I was supposed to make Christmas presents. Instead I'm sitting here organizing my thoughts onto a blank page. Maybe it's for the best though. I think I needed it.

Yearly Shit Post.

It seems like every year around this time my life fills with shit. This year I have a slew of things.

Let's start with my boss who is a freak and doesn't know how to organize her work, she doesn't give a shit about work and everyone in her wake is affected.

Then there's the bf who is generally a good person but on occasion he lets a phrase fly and I get angry and I wonder if it's me who's too sensitive or if he was just being an asshole.

Back home I have some property, turns out the main water line sprung it's third leak in 3 years so we have to change the whole line. It's gonna cost me $4500 to get that done, but that's not all... nooooo, it can't be all. The chimney is pulling away from the house so we have to get someone in to look at that. Rebuilding the chimney is going to cost a butt load of money. Fingers crossed we don't have to do that.

My uncle: he was diagnosed with the same cancer my mother had, I spoke about this in a previous post. Turns out my only contact from home who is in touch with him on a regular basis hasn't heard from him in a while. When we tried to get in touch with someone else about it they said that his physical health is doing quite well but morally he's very down. This is also due to the fact that ANOTHER great uncle of mine just passed and one is in hospital. I barely knew either men. My family is quickly dwindling though and it affects me whether I want it to or not.

The Bf's niece was in a mental institute, they thought she had some kind of personality disorder, turns out she's on some kind of heavy drug like crack or heroin yet she won't admit it to anyone. They've got her on Methadone. She started coming to see me because she wants to do some crafts to sell at a local market. I was helping her out for a couple weeks, but in the middle of it all she left home (she's twenty but lives with her parents and brother) to live with what we assume is her current boyfriend. We're worried she's going to relapse. Her parent's won't talk to anyone about what's "really" going on so we're all pretending like we don't know. Tomorrow she has the fair so we'll see if she show's up with the crafts and with her boyfriend, he's supposedly helping out.

I wanted to go out last weekend. I called a couple friends but no-one was free. It was depressing. Not having grown up in the area I often feel like I lack a real network of friends. I feel like I need to make some new ones but as a busy adult how does that even work?

Enough bitching... back to life.

The Age Gap.

I was recently saddened and perplexed by a situation that arose in one of my English classes. With one of my groups I was doing a reading exercise and the articles happened to be about love. One of the questions in the book was "do you believe in love at first sight?". I went around the room asking the question to all my students. It's a group of women, most of which are between the ages of 40 and 50 with the exception of one man who is in his 80s. When I got to him he flushed red, looked at his hands and said yes. The questions about love continued and he spoke up about relationship problems and how language can be one of them.

At the end of the lesson he lingered waiting for me to get my jacket on, and we walked out together, he brought up an experience he'd had on a recent holiday. He'd been to Slovenia with an organized tour and he met this woman who he fell madly in love with. He deeply regretted not having given her his address when she had asked for it. She apparently wanted to send him postcards.
I asked no questions, he told me everything on his own accord. He is married and didn't want his wife to find out which is why he didn't give her the address. As it turns out the girl was 20 years old and he was fantasizing about the lost opportunity of running off to meet her after receiving one of her postcards..

It was such a sad thing to see for a couple reasons. One is the fact that he felt that he'd missed an important opportunity. He was deeply upset by the events and wished he could turn back time. Secondly he spoke of his wife as if she didn't exist. Those were his words "It's as if she weren't there".  The loneliness that he exuded was very sad. Then there's the fact that my 80yr old student thought that a 20yr old girl would be interested in him.

I don't understand this last thing. This is why I am perplexed. It's mostly a thing that happens to older men. I'm sure it must happen to older women too but I don't see it happening to them all that often. It's blatant with older men though. Where I live, there are constantly stories of older frail and lonely men who need 24/7 care so the family hires a young caregiver. He generally falls in love with her shortly after. The woman is rarely local to this country but they are generally Albanian, Romanian or Ukrainian women and there's often a disaster with either him giving her everything in the will or the fact that they get married or that she asks him for money in secret or some such thing. This generally leaves the family in a difficult situation about money and there is often no legal solution for them. Now I'm generalizing here. It's something that doesn't happen with all the foreign caregivers and there are many who are very good at what they do. But I do have first hand experience with more than one of these situations so I have seen it for myself.

How is it that men get themselves into these situations though? Am I wrong in thinking that a 20yr old wouldn't generally be attracted to an 80yr old? Whatever the gender may be? Would you not have SOME doubts about the legitimacy of the attraction?

Hairstyles for sex... and every day.

I happened to read N. Likes' post on Ponytail height and it got me thinking.
I was thinking about whether it had any truth to it. Fact of the matter is it kinda does but not always.

When I get dressed in the morning, if I have the time, I go slow and meticulously organize every aspect of how I look, from the clothes to the accessories. I'm not the type of girl who obsesses about it mind you, but I do spend a little time planning things out. This is often why I have to pack for holidays weeks in advance. Hair is one thing that I don't plan for ahead of time though. It's something that I deal with based on various factors, some of which include (in no particular order): weather conditions, time available, how I'm feeling sentimentally and sexual arousal and what clothes I'm wearing and lastly headache factor.

First of all I want to point out that 99 % of the time I don't have time to organize my hair so I just do what comes naturally in the moment. Secondly I can't bear to have my hair in any one specific 'up do' for more than a few hours, it hurts and I get bored of hairstyles very quickly. I will change my hair, up or down, probably about 15 times a day, no exaggeration. However if I have a special evening or event I will 'do' my hair and I put a lot of thought into it.

Ponytail up high is generally reserved for tight clothing or a tight fitting dress. I don't often wear my hair in a high tight ponytail because my hair is long, heavy and after about 2 hours I have a headache. I will also tend to wear my hair in a high pony tail if I'm very turned on and I want to look like a dominatrix or if I want to boost my confidence.

Low ponytail: I rarely wear my hair in a low ponytail. I find the elastic slips out with movement and it just doesn't last very long. Plus I prefer other types of hairstyles.

Messy ponytail: this works great if I'm in a hurry and I want to look unkempt. It's a look I love because it's cute and easy. It does however give off the impression of little time, and yes that also means you aren't paying attention to how you look as much as a polished hairstyle. It can however be elaborately orchestrated to look messy when in reality it took a lot of time and effort.

My personal preferences are a messy top knot/ bun, I keep it relatively high up on my head depending on the day or a braid. I have a small arsenal of different braids I use, most of which are side braids and a little messy, great for windy days and travelling. I also use french braids.

Sexually speaking both top knots and braids are great for pulling. They give guys something to grab, like a ponytail but easier I think. No stray hairs to worry about gathering up. Just grab and pull. No fear.

Purple People Eater

I'd like a little space to rant. You can skip this post if you want to avoid hearing me moan about how frustrating I find people. 

I'm running so, so low on patience. 

1) I do not have patience for women who make snide comments about me to my face, in front of friends. I can't stand those comments that seem like innocent, funny pokes but are, in reality, envy or some other shit. I've been hearing the same Goddammned snide remarks for years from women who are supposed to be my friends. 

2) when I organize a party I want people to actually have the courtesy to let me know if they decide NOT to come after they said they were coming. 

3) when organizing a party I would like people to tell me how many guests they are bringing.... Before the party starts. 

4) when organizing a party, if it is a costume party I would suggest you wear a costume, I don't really want to be the only fucking adult with makeup on... Next time I'll make you all wear garbage bags. 

5) if you are in a class learning English with a group of other adults, please have the courtesy to let other people speak too. 

6) if I tell a student something, it's because I know the answer. If I don't, I'll tell you that I don't know. I don't make shit up. If you are at an English lesson, you are a student and chances are I know what I'm talking about and you haven't got a clue. Don't challenge every fucking thing I say please. 

7) to my boss who proudly stated she did the same lesson that I do but in half the time, fuck you. You forgot that it normally takes us an hour and a half to do ice breaker presentations which you DIDN'T do before starting your lesson. No shit it took you half the time. 

______________________

Having said all that I have to say that I hosted a Halloween party and I always really enjoy Halloween, I love dressing up and I love organizing big parties. I enjoyed my party but I really need to find better people to invite. I love my friends but they are just frickin' boring at this sort of thing. 

Back Inside Me

The day I was flying over I was a nervous wreck. In fact the whole week before I flew over I was a wreck, I was barely able to eat. It was the anticipation of having to lie to the Bf, hoping he wouldn't ask me certain questions, praying he wouldn't keep me company at the airport as I queued for my check in at the airport.
Once I said goodbye to the bf in the airport parking lot I felt a weight lift from my shoulders but I still had a 5 hours or so before seeing Rob. He was going to pick me up at the airport.

I texted him from Belgium, yes I had a stopover in Belgium. He texted me right back, thank god. I was afraid the text wouldn't work or that something random would happen and I'd end up at Birmingham airport with nowhere to go.

When I finally landed it was pouring rain and I was stuck in a window seat next to two elderly ladies at the very back of the plane who wouldn't get out of their seats. When the plane was completely empty I finally figured out that they were waiting for wheelchairs. The hostess looked at me in surprise and told me to hurry because everyone was waiting for me (hey thanks for helping me out there lady, coulda' said something to the elderly ladies, or coulda' had me sit somewhere else since there were seats free). I ran off the plane into the pouring rain to find the bus full of people staring at me angrily. Niiice.

I got into the building and ran through the maze to get to customs and baggage claim, and was lucky enough to find the lines for the non EU passports to be very short. I got to baggage claim early and my bag was one of the first off so I rushed out to find Rob standing there, leaning on the railing.

We hugged, he took one of my bags and we walked over to the hotel. We had booked an apartment in Worcester but couldn't get the extra night there so we opted for a hotel at the airport since I was getting in rather late. It was basic but nice. We were both quite on edge. I was probably more worked up than him, at least he didn't let on that he was too worked up. We took off our shoes and I took off my wet sweater and we both crawled onto the bed.
I desperately needed a shower. I had worked that morning, plus the long trip. It would also help me relax a little. But first we just rested. I lay in his arms, head on his shoulder just taking in his warmth. He smelled as he always smells. It's that deodorant he uses. Whenever I smell it, it brings me right back to him. It's crazy how strong of a flashback scents can give us.

We stayed like that for a while, until our hands started to wander and it was getting harder to control ourselves. I just walked away, I had to. I jumped in the shower.

I jumped on top of him once I was out and clean. We kissed, I grinded my wet pussy down on his jeans, I undid his trousers and belt and just slid him inside me. It was that simple. We both moaned in pleasure at the penetration. It was a welcome sensation to have him back inside me. It was our first night. It wasn't rough. It was mostly slow and sensual. He went slow, very slow. He slid in and out so slowly I was basically begging him to ease back in. I spent most of that time in total ecstasy. To the point I was barely aware of what was going on. It was one of the few times I let myself go that far.
He came on my face, I asked him to.

I had to take another shower, and wash my hair.

On Gagging and Rough Sex

There's a point when gagging on cock, when choking, if held long enough, that your body just accepts what's happening.
It goes through a few phases. It starts with salivation, wanting the cock in front of you, pussy wet and tingling. Licking and sucking at a comfortable depth, hand working hard, slathering and getting everything wet. Then the first few attempts at going deeper. My body doesn't accept those first attempts, I go deep, come up for air, go deeper, come up for air, deeper yet again and I cough. It's like my body is going through a very contradictory motion of utterly wanting yet refusing something. There's no forcing the body really.
This time though, Rob held my head down. I would gag, convulse, but he just pushed me further down, and this is when I realized that there's a point when the body just accepts it. I stop breathing, but I'm not holding my breath. It's that I physically can't breath through my nose or mouth. The muscles in my jaw, neck, shoulders and eyes all relax to the point of almost going limp and his cock slides down my throat. It's a truly incredible sensation. I've never experienced it before.  I think I may have come close to getting all 7 inches of him down my throat.

This was our last time. I was badgering him for attention. He'd been solitary watching tv on the sofa and I was getting bored, I wanted anything, conversation, sex, games, anything would have quenched my boredom, as long as it was him to quench it. I admitted my thirst for attention and we decided on sex. It was a decision. We went through the alternatives and this was the best one. It was rough, in the bedroom (because, yes, we had sex in other places), he got me to my knees and pushed his cock into my mouth. Once he was done with my mouth, he stood me up, bent me over at a 90° angle, he yanked down my leggings, pulled my panties roughly off and whispered "are you wet?"
"What do you think?" I answered and he pushed himself roughly into me. He spanked me and gave me red hand prints on my ass. He pounded me hard, I admit it hurt a little, but he just kept going, he asked me if it hurt and I said yes, but he just kept going. He had me from behind, hand on the back of my neck pushing me hard into the bed as he smacked into me. He slowed down a little when, while my head was turned to the side, he grabbed my throat. He gripped it hard, to the point I felt like I was breathing at a 10th of my normal capacity. He asked if it was too much, I wheezed a no, and the grip got tighter until I had to mouth the airy words "ok, now."
He whispered obscenities in my ear and fucked me hard.  I came with his fingers in my mouth as he uttered "are you going to cum, you little slut?".
He pulled out, laid me on my back and knelt next to my face. He looked down at me as I fingered myself, "I'm going to get myself off again" I said and then asked him where he wanted to cum. He said "on your face, in your mouth mostly. The first one to cum pays for dinner." He worked his cock over my mouth, balls bobbing up and down into my mouth. I would reach out with my tongue and take them in. The sensation of a very full mouth and just having had an orgasm, being totally wet and knowing he was going to cum soon made me cum again. As I came I proudly exclaimed "I'm buying" and he looked temporarily confused then, the 'Oh' look on his face as he came too.

Before I leave

It's Saturday. Are you nervous?
I am. My stomach is in knots. I'm anxious and flustered. I feel like I'll never be quite perfect enough. I feel inadequate. I'm extremely aware of all my defects. Every little imperfection becomes huge.
I'm excited though. I'm looking forward to it. That's why I'm obsessing I guess.

Getting ready... but not really.

I should be packing but instead I'm wasting time on nothing. I should be looking for things to bring with me, gifts for people but I'm feeling lazy. It's raining, it's been raining since yesterday and it's going to rain for another day or two so I'm thinking of going into hibernation. Drinking hot lemon, ginger and honey, sitting on the couch and watching movies all evening.

In reality I've spent a lovely couple of days with the bf. He spent last night here, we worked on editing his nieces wedding video together both last night and this morning. We work well together on this sort of thing. It's fun even, we don't argue and we both work selflessly to get a good result. There are no squabbles about anything at all. It feels good to work together to accomplish something so nice for someone else.

I'm leaving Monday. Monday afternoon the bf will be driving me to the airport. A couple days ago I mentioned in passing that I was flying in on Monday but that I wouldn't be meeting my friends until thursday morning and he got stiff and worried. He asked me why only thursday... we'd already discussed it a while back so I just reminded him they were busy on the other days, which is mostly true and I had to get an earlier flight because it was the cheapest flight.

I could feel the tension. He suspects something. He always has with the UK so, as always I need to be careful.

I need to talk to him the day after I get in. Make sure I settle his nerves. I need to figure out all the lies I need to tell him. Sounds awful... it kind of is.

Blackbeard is back

I got a message on Fb the other day from a guy I've written about before. He's a local artist and he's a hottie. I think I referred to him as Blackbeard. I have had a fair amount of work related contact with him since that post including a drunken evening with friends where he was present. I provided the chips...
Anyhow the message on Fb was to ask me if I could do a translation for him, I accepted and we talked briefly about work, but when that was over he sent me a couple stickers on Fb chat. I sent him a couple back and then it just didn't end. We must have sent over 30 stickers in all. Some of which were almost verging on flirting, there were a few stickers with question marks over their heads, and others saying Hmmm... god only knows what was going on there. I'd like to say it was him flirting with me, but I can't be jumping to conclusions seeing as he's got a wife and two kids.

It's a busy time of the year. School is starting, people are calling for private lessons, we have massive groups of students at the art school where I work and I'm whirling around trying to get my bearings.

Here I am trying to sort out my trip to England and keep my mind on work... Not easy.

London is Real

I'm leaving in exactly 20 days. It's starting to hit me. I picked up a trinket for Rob and I will be buying train tickets. I talked to my best friend, who I'm meeting after seeing Rob and we sorted out a meeting time and place and where we're staying in London after we meet. Turns out they scored us a free flat. So we're saving cash, yay.

Schedule is:
-Monday morning I work. (boo)
-I get the bf to drive me right to the airport.
-Fly out mid afternoon
-layover in Brussels
-Fly into the UK that evening.
-Rob picks me up at the airport.
-We drive to our hotel.
-Sleep one night (fuck sex fuck)
-drive to another town and spend the day there (more fucking)
-sleep (more sex than sleeping)
-another full day (some fucking)
-sleep  (last sex)
-I meet my friends in a nearby town.
-We then drive into London
-we all fly out at the same time Sunday morning.
-Back to work Monday with hell week.

Tour de force I must say. I'm excited though. Very excited. I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to seeing Rob again. I can't wait to spend time together, just hanging out. I'm obviously in anticipation of good sex. I am especially looking forward to seeing my friends. I'm going to enjoy showing them around London. I have to write up a list of places to show them. So much to see, so little time. Maybe we can get wasted. I haven't done that in a while.

The Deepest Intimacy.

I had a boyfriend years ago. He wasn't my first, but he was my most important apart from the bf. We were together a year. He was not entirely sane, though he wasn't completely crazy. I think the crazy in him is what made him such a pivoting point in my life. I was supposed to marry him. We travelled Mexico together for 6 months and half way through the trip, sometime around my birthday, he asked me to marry him, rings and all. He got me a silver and amber ring. I said yes. I had just turned 18.

Just after we met, after we'd been dating for a while, we hadn't had sex yet, he took me into his basement room and we made love. We were naked, interlocked, his cock buried inside me and he looked straight into my eyes and said to me, if we're going to do this you have to be 100% open with me, don't shy away from anything, we have to give 100% of ourselves to each other.

Up to this point in my life I was shy. I was not entirely capable of sharing my emotions with people. I would clam up when angry or upset. He made me promise that I couldn't do that with him and I kept my promise. I tried my hardest to reveal every inch of my being to him. He taught me how to feel connected to everything. He taught me to be true to myself. He taught me to trust completely.
Sex with him was not sex. It was another dimension. It's the only way I can describe it. It was like entering an entirely different head-space. It was the most complete I've ever felt and that intimacy was so intense it was like we were one entity: mind, spirit, bodies.

The story doesn't end well, obviously, otherwise I'd still be with him. He cheated on me. He did ask me first though, I give him that, he was partially honest. I couldn't deal with his lust for his ex girlfriend and I forced him to choose between keeping me and fucking her. I gave him a week to decide. During that week he hosted a Halloween party and they fucked. I found out through his brother.

The goal of this post is not to bring up painful memories of the end of that relationship though. The intimacy of that relationship is something I miss a lot. I have never experienced that again with anyone and it's probably the closest I've ever been to 'true' love. Opening yourself to someone to that extent though is possibly one of the most dangerous things you can do. It leaves you entirely vulnerable and in my case, weak and pushed back further, in terms of trust, than I was when I met him.

It's sad how I crave that but at the same time know that I'll likely never feel it again because of my trust issues. I'm not sure I even remember how to be that intimate with someone.

Sex, Bacon and Pancakes.

He said 20 minutes. Shower. Dress. Call. Both tired, both exhausted. Long day for both of us. Silence, ok silence, not too uncomfortable. He rests his brain, I think of things. We talk about our meeting. Fucking. Sex. What kind of sex we want and like. I explain I like sex where I lose control. He likes it when I stay in control.
He'll make me pancakes. I want bacon. He asks how I like it. He already knows I want it crispy, the bacon that is. I don't know how he knows. He just does.
More talk of sex, of clothes, of furniture of spanking and bashing. I help myself to my clit. I'm wet, I could be wetter. We talk about stockings, thigh high, stay ups. Wetter now. He describes from behind, panties pulled to one side, pushing in and out. Bashing he says. Pounding. and he cums on my ass, all over my panties, pushes his dripping cock back inside me and then slips into my mouth. I came. I came hard. He asks as I cum, are you losing control? and I laugh, laughing so hard my orgasm prolongs... The contractions are like hiccups, following my laughter. I finish and I catch my breath. By that point I couldn't remember what he'd said anymore. I'd lost it. I lost myself. Just the way I like it.

*I needed to get this down, but didn't know how to write it so it's a stream of consciousness style. Excuse the scattered randomness of it.*

Nora

I kinda want one of these....

Greedy

I feel like I could be so greedy I'd explode. I want to overindulge myself in you. I want to absorb everything I can, and more. It will never be enough and I'll never be full. I will always crave you.

Today he regaled me with 4 orgasms that he just watched and even laughed at. When I could, I try to keep an eye on his reactions. I only managed once, and it was because I knocked the phone over. As I moved it back into place I saw him sit back and laugh. He was enjoying making me cum. I know he enjoys it, he says so, but seeing the laugh of confidence and pride proved it even more.

For the last orgasm I just had my face on screen, I was lying on my tummy resting. I was still horny so he told me to get myself off again. I couldn't stop laughing though. He kept making me laugh, I got shy and had to cover my face. I'm not used to him just staring at my face like that. Usually I show all sorts of other things, including my face, not often just my face. I got over it though. I got myself off one last time.
I kinda wish I could manage watching his reactions to me cumming all the time. It's something that is hard to capture though, I'm too busy with my eyes rolling around in my head. When I have seen it, either during sex or cyber it's a reaction that is a turn on, in and of itself. It's like a combination of pure lust and anticipation mixed with pride. A guy who is secure is a real turn on. I've always said it, Just watching him watch me, gets me off.

Summer heat

Well it has been a while, and it's hot here so here's some of my summer heat. 

Surfacing Consciousness

There are days when I have words that surface in my head. They float into consciousness uninvited and are often just beginnings of sentences. They don't generally hold any real meaning but they keep coming back like I need to write them down. Problem is I don't know where the sentences are headed so I can't really go through with writing them. 

So here I am wanting to write and wanting to be eloquent with words with basically nothing to say. 

I wonder what it is that provokes the unfinished sentences to blossom in my brain like that; Situations, feelings, events, combinations, I'm sure, or just my subconscious trying to tell me something. But what?

It can be frustrating. But it's also a kind of innocent bliss, like I'm floating, daydreaming with nothing really solid to grasp. 

Generally I let them come and go but sometimes I force them, like today. Sometimes I make them into whatever I want, erotica, love letters, poems, lyrics, or random blog posts. 

Planting Seeds for October

"You go have a shower and surprise me when you get out" he said. I climb out of the shower and slip on a pair of thigh high black and grey striped socks, black short shorts with pink trim and a black bra, I pull my hair into a high top knot and slip my glasses on... I don't really need them, especially for sex, I just want the look. The nerdy or teacher-esque woman ready to get her mouth jammed full of cock.

My initial fantasy for the first moments of our meeting in October was to kneel directly in front of him on the floor and just shove his cock as soon as I could but instead he described another situation which has me so wet I keep slipping back to it.
He kisses his way down my body, down my belly, over to my thighs, reaching my pussy and licking me to orgasm, his tongue circling my clit and fingers pulling at my g-spot. I can picture my hands on his head, running my fingers through his hair,  pulling him in deeper, grinding against his face.

His descriptions over Skype the other night were half whispered into my headphones. I've described this feeling before. It's like having him inside my head, inside my fantasies, dictating what to do, what will happen. The thoughts and images are planted (like in the movie Inception) and I can't get them out, they grow and evolve. I can cum for days thinking back on those words. That night, 5 over a long while, a couple hours I'd say. Each one was triggered by something different. Positions, ideas, words, images, words and more words, planted inside my brain like a garden in spring.

There was talk of him taking me from behind, my hands on my ass, spreading, while he held my wrists. That image in and of itself has me wet just thinking about it. I've always loved the idea of that position. I came to the sound of his voice describing that.

He described us on our sides, he's behind me, I have one leg up set on the back of the couch maybe, maybe he's holding it. I can just picture him sliding in slow, my fingers working my clit, and he pulls my face over my shoulder and kisses me deep. Tongues slipping. Kissing deep like that during sex is hot, it could get me off when done at the right time.

I also came as he described how he'd cum all over me, drenching my ass, my lower back. We have a bucket list of where he should cum on me again this trip. I want him to cum on my face, all over my glasses too. I'm definitely going to have him fuck my face for that though.

When he finally got his cock out for me, I'm always gasping when I see it. It's like I haven't seen it in years or something. When he finally got his cock out for me, his verbal capabilities drop and I try to pick mine up. I generally start slowly, going back through one of the scenarios he described, re-describing the scene, from my point of view. I eventually end up getting myself off with him though and my verbal capabilities are reduced and we whisper naughty things back and forth. It's somewhat incoherent though but it's hot and it gets me off as well as him. He came loads, and when I say loads, usually it's nothing like this. This was an incredible amount, he would have drenched me, completely. This brought me back memories of our first fuck, the first time he came on me was this crazy amount, I was wet from head to toe. That tipped me over the edge again and I came with him.

Skinny Rant

I stumbled on this video today and it hit some chords. I'm not a cam model, though I have thought about it, the issues she talks about, especially regarding her weight and what people say to her about it really stood out. If I go out in public, especially in restaurants I get comments from people. It's pretty much a daily occurrence. I get it from the people I work with, friends, people I see on a daily basis that I am acquainted with, and total strangers. Just two weeks ago I went to a restaurant and the woman sitting at the table behind me patted me on the back halfway through my meal as she was getting up to leave and said "eat, eat, it's good for you".

Ok, so I live in a country where food is probably one of the most important topics but seriously, I'm starting to get tired of it. Body size really shouldn't be anyone's concern but my own. Thankyouverymuch.

*end of rant*

Temporary decadence

Lights low and voices lower on a thursday night cam date. There's something special about not getting any and then suddenly getting too much in one go. It's decadent and overwhelming yet so temporary and I know it will probably be a while before I get more.

We talked a little about our trip, mostly where to meet and how to organize things. Practical stuff. But then we dove into it. It was hot, I got naked fairly fast, stripped out of my shorts and tank top, down to my panties, and was soon out of those too.

We rarely know how to start so we just start. I start playing, he starts talking, we bring up memories of things we've done, and things we should do. We talk about the things we love doing most. Where he'll fill me, how hard, how slow or fast, how deep... mmm especially how deep. I admit how much I love sucking his cock, and love the taste of his pre-cum. I tell him how deep I want his cock.

Mostly he talks though, I don't really have verbal capabilities when I'm getting myself off or getting fucked for that matter. He tells me how he'd fuck me and then make me suck him off. Tasting myself on him and back and forth and back again. Filling my mouth with every inch I can handle and then just a little more to make me gag. He describes how he'd take me from behind, slap my ass, and pull my hair. I love the fact that so many memories come to mind when he describes things. They are tangible realities that all meld together into one fantasy. Everything we've ever done together becomes part of a new fantasy.

I've realized that to be able to get off, the fantasies have to be based in reality, they have to be something I've had a taste of before, at least to some extent. Totally new and foreign sensations are difficult for me to get aroused over. That's part of the reason his descriptions get me so hot. They are completely based in reality with hints of novelty which keep them exciting.
I'd never get bored of it. I crave it from him.

My orgasms were a domino effect. He asked me which one was best but I couldn't answer. It's hard to remember them I said. The first was clear. The second and third were almost one, as I was finishing the second, he told me not to stop and the third one hit, but it was like the wave died down and picked up again. The last was out of exhaustion. It was different from the others.

I was dripping by the end, there was sweat running down my tummy and back, my hair was sticking to my neck and face. I was flushed red in the cheeks and lips. I looked like I'd run a marathon.  I collapsed on the bed, catching my breath.

The evening didn't end there though. I thought it would. I asked him if he wanted a turn, but he said no only to go back on his decision and get his cock out not 10 minutes later. Watching him wank is like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. I lunge and salivate and I swear I can taste him. When I see his cock I automatically think of getting my lips around it. Maybe it's unusual, I don't automatically think of fucking, I think of sucking. I crave the taste of him so bad that it's the first thing and most prominent fantasy when I see his cock. Whether it's me sucking him, or him fucking my mouth, either way I want to taste him. I wish my pussy had taste buds. That way I could have the best of both worlds.

London in October

For the first time ever I bought a ticket for London without getting input from Rob. It felt odd. I have friends from home coming to visit and I didn't have any margin for time so I just went ahead and got the ticket. I made the trip as long as I could and I left some details specifically vague.

It'll be in October again, not my favourite season to see the UK, but it will do. 

I mentioned it to Rob, after the fact. I think I was hoping for him to ask me if I'd be coming to see him but he didn't say anything. For some reason I got the impression that he didn't want to see me. With the fact that we often communicate through messages it's hard to gauge enthusiasm or facial expressions when you can't see them. 

I don't know if things will work out or not, I only have a couple free days, I don't know whether he will be free those specific dates either. It all needs sorting. It's all very iffy this time round but he did sort of say he would be disappointed if he didn't see me, so that was nice to hear. 

It doesn't seem like that long ago that we met up, it was last year, last October... It's weird, this year flew by. 

I really do hope we can wing it. I love spending time with him, the talks, the walks, the sex.... Sleeping with him. It's all like cotton candy, sweet and soft and melt in your mouth good, but oh so ethereal, so momentary. 

Catch 22

Thanks for all the lovely comments, concern and advice. It definitely feels nice to hear such positive and heartfelt things from readers.

Unfortunately I have not had much progress in this whole thing. I've made many more calls and got somewhat frustrating answers.

Most of the doctors I have talked to told me I need histology reports on either my mother or my uncle or both to be able to get anywhere with an oncologist.
 
I made a few calls and there is N.American red tape around my mother's medical records. I can't access them unless I'm being treated by a national hospital or institute, in which case, even then it would be complicated. This is what the national health system told me, they also told me I might have a better chance if I talked to my mother's GP, especially if she is still practising. She is, except when I talked to her assistant it turns out my mother's records, from 10 years ago, are not in the 'system'. They are paper records and are therefore in storage somewhere, they have to be dug out. Her old GP will be in today and hopefully I'll have an answer on whether or not that will be possible.

I don't want to have to ask my uncle, who isn't mentally stable, to authorize to send his medical records to me.

As per medical care here, I found an institute a fair ways away which is specialized in this type of thing, but I'm pretty sure there are alternatives here. My doctor doesn't seem to want to look into what testing I need to do or whether it's possible to get it done here. It looks like I may have to do a long trip to get the information I want.

I'm still worried. I haven't been bursting into tears at random times though so that's good. I'm just getting more and more frustrated.
I was expecting the bf to be more supportive, he's been on edge and easily annoyed instead. Maybe it's my complaining about the system here and how things are so bureaucratically bad here. He picks fights with me, we had two arguments in two days because of it. I feel like I have to constantly defend myself for complaining about how frustrating this whole thing is.
I can't see a horizon, I can't see this being simple. It seems like it should be simple but it's really not.

Even on the Oncology institute site here the outline of tests seems rather straightforward, but to be able to do them I need a doctor to prescribe them and none of the doctors will prescribe them if I don't have my mother's medical records.
UGH

It's a Catch 22.

Cancer

I have been procrastinating on this a fair amount. I had some indication of what tests to do but I wasn't sure it was possible to do them here. My doctor doesn't have much of a clue so I had to do my own research. 

I ended up, after many calls, talking to a radiologist who explained the procedure she thought was best. I'm thinking that every doctor I talk to will give me a different set of tests. 

Maybe the best thing is to talk to an oncologist. 

I don't think this type of cancer shows up on blood tests or X-rays, which is the procedure the radiologist suggested. I'm guessing that the LDCT (low dose cat scan) is the best option, but they generally only suggest it for people over the age of 50/55. 

I'm scared. I have respiratory problems. I have since I moved here from N.America. I developed a form of asthma. it has, over the past year, gotten a little worse. When I lie down sometimes I feel like I need to cough. If I do cough, I have a hard time breathing in after. I can't catch my breath. It's a horrible sensation. I know it's not related but it scares me none the less. 

I'm afraid of calling my uncle. He's odd and it's already difficult for me to talk to him, now with this it's even harder. I have no idea what to say to him. 

I feel like I have no one left in my family, there's my father and my sister but that's it. 

I've had anxious thoughts about who to leave things too if I died, I don't have a will but I feel like I should. I could leave things to my sister or to my father but if they don't outlive me? I would probably leave things to the bf or to his nieces and nephew. 

I have property in North America I don't feel like I can leave property to some kids who live in Europe. 

I'm scared. 

Drinks

So we went for drinks, me and my annoying neighbour's girlfriend. We always have a good time, I like her. She's funny. 

On our walk back home I asked her how she'd met her boyfriend and she said a little shyly, "it's a long story", without me pressing she continued, she said that she was with this guy, who happened to be friends with her current bf and there was some other social network at the time, he friended her on there, they started chatting and they started seeing each other. So this is his M.O.. 

I also asked if he was with someone else at the time too and she said that he was single. 

Just random details that help me put a profile together.... 

Decisions

So I have made a decision about the neighbour. I will unfollow his posts without unfriending him at the moment. This will make ignoring him easier. I will ignore him completely, including private messages which are rare from him in any case. 

This evening I'm going out for a drink with his gf and may initiate some conversation about how they met etc. but I won't tell her what's going on. I don't want to ruin their relationship without really knowing this guy. If things get worse or persist after we have a group dinner then I will talk to him. I'll tell him it's not appropriate and I'm not interested, if that doesn't deter I'll talk to her. 

This afternoon I dreamt he took my profile picture and zoomed into the background and sent me the closeup of my bedroom. It was creepy because in the dream it looked like he'd taken the picture through a hole in the wall and only after I realized that it was taken from the mirror in my profile pic. 

When I woke up I had to check fb to make sure it was a dream. 

This thing sucks. I hate having to worry about my neighbour. 

I also put a pic of the bf up with hearts around him. Maybe he'll get the hint. 

I don't normally post pics of the bf since he's not on fb. when I showed the bf he seemed flattered though. He usually doesn't want his picture on fb. 

Ugh Neighbour... Again!

He's at it again. It's disconcerting. This time it was extremely clear the posts were for me. The main post was another poem, a poem about a blond woman in the sun who carries your heart away. It's no coincidence I sat out in the the sun in the back yard to work the day before.

The posts were not public and they appear at the top of my feed just like all the others. I happened to 'like' one of his photographs earlier in the week (before the poem) and he sent me a private message on fb saying in English that I was his number one fan. After I didn't respond for a day he added that it wasn't a criticism. 

I ignored everything. It wasn't just one post either there were a bunch, things like asking suggestions for what to eat for dinner, mentioning being tired but not sleeping, one about going bird watching (wtf?!?)... The list goes on.  All weird things that make me just slightly uncomfortable. 

It frustrates me that just because I liked one of his photographs he has gone on this tangent. 

I talked to a couple of people about it. One suggested I ignore him completely. The other suggested I kindly tell him that I'd only like to interact publicly. I do kind of feel like I should say something... But my automatic response wouldn't be to politely mention public communication only. I'm not sure why though. Maybe it's a language thing. Maybe I feel like it could be interpreted in a few ways considering his posts are open on a feed but they are set for only me. 

Maybe I should set a private post just for him telling him to stop and that it's not appropriate. 

I was hoping we could organize a dinner with a group of our friends so that he could meet the bf and get a hint. Maybe he'd quit on his own. He just seems really stubborn and insistent. 

An Odd Sensation

It's something that happened the other day, possibly for the first time, and it felt odd. I feel like I need to put it into words so that maybe I can understand it better.

The bf and I were having lunch at his place and I needed to go home and he needed to go to work later that afternoon and since it was a nice day I decided to walk home. I don't live too far from him. He decided to walk me half way home. We got to a bridge, over the train tracks, he noticed some locks on the fence (a lover's thing in these parts), I said thank you and see you tomorrow, we kissed, we kissed again and we looked at each other and parted ways saying goodbye.

Normally when we go our separate ways, either we're in the car, or at his place or at my place and we kiss goodbye and that's that.

There was something different about this separation. Something about the fact that it was half way and we both had to walk home from that mid point. Something about the kiss, that was more real, more noticeable than normal.

I can't explain it. It was odd, but a good odd. It's like things were good, but different.
Even once I've put it into words I still can't describe or explain what it was.
Just an odd sensation I guess.

Adenocarcinoma

It all happens all at once and it's just one horrible thing after the other.

When I wake up in the morning I check my emails. I do it to try to stay awake between alarm clock snoozes. I'm thinking I should change this routine and hit youtube instead, save emails for when I'm fully functioning and awake.

I got three emails from my sister yesterday morning, they were forwarded from my great aunt. They were yet another dagger stabbing into an already gaping wound but to be able to explain the pain and fear I need to briefly explain my family situation.

My mother died of lung cancer. She was not a smoker. She died when I was in my mid twenties, 10 years ago.
Shortly after she died my aunt, my father's sister, died of breast cancer. Both were devastating on me. They were horribly young deaths and while I wasn't super close with my aunt it hit home really strongly because my cousin was about my age.

There was a few years interval with various other horrible family things, many of which I've written here but most of which regard the Bf's family, including his brother's fight and triumph over cancer, his son's fight with drugs and his daughter's fight with suicide which just recurred again, not to mention my maternal grandmother's death at the age of 98.

A year ago however, and I can't remember if I mentioned this or not on here, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a rough time with that, though I do know that the prognosis for prostate cancer is very good. He is fine, he is under relatively good care and I try hard not to worry about it.

Back to the emails from yesterday morning.
The emails from yesterday morning were to tell my sister and I that my uncle (my mother's brother) has stage IV lung cancer, the same lung cancer my mother died of. It had metastasized to his bones and that's how they discovered it. My great aunt (my grandmother's younger sister) is obviously very shaken by the news. She wrote us insisting we come back to N. America to get tested because the doctors say it's genetic.

When I read the emails I burst into tears from a slew of different emotions. Fear, sorrow, anger helplessness... I can't even describe the various sensations. Mainly it brings back horrible memories of my mother's illness. I was never that close with my uncle. He's an odd person, mentally not quite right and while I always hug him when I see him, I've never spent time with him.

I'm terrified. I've been terrified since my Aunt died. Having cancer in the family, ALL my closest relatives with the exception of my two grandmothers (and my sister), all have or have died from cancer. Is it genetic when brother and sister die of the exact same cancer at about the same age when no-one else in the family had the same cancer or was there some external factor, something at their school, or something they were exposed to?

Monday or Tuesday I'll talk to my doctor to see what kind of tests there are. Just to be on the safe side I'll probably have to get tested once a year.

More Neighbour

So my conversation with the Neighbour actually continued after my post. I thought it was over, I thought I managed to cut it short. But when I posted other pics I got more messages from him. He complimented me on the other pics and mentioned my Instagram... That's when I took the opportunity to call him a born hacker. 

He actually apologised for being invasive. He admitted to having looked up all our neighbours too. He also realized that it was his gf who had told me, he said 'looks like I've got a spy in the house'. As if he didn't know his gf and I were talking. ...Weird. 

Anyhow I still don't know what my opinion of him is. I can't really understand if it's friendly harmless flirting or if I should be very wary of this guy. 

The Neighbour is back...

I changed my profile picture on FB today. When I change my profile pic I occasionally get a private message from an ex boyfriend who tries to flirt with me. Today I got a private message from my neighbour. Yes folks. He's back.

It was a mound of compliments about it. I have to admit it made me feel good. I am flattered. But I really shouldn't be interacting with this guy. I really don't want to egg him on. We chatted for a bit. I tried to cut the conversation short a few times, just answering with a fb thumbs up or something but it didn't dissuade him from talking more. I hate being rude so I politely respond. Bad... bad me.

This isn't our first online interaction since those fateful posts... There was a recent episode where I was working down in my basement and he came down and startled me as he went into his laundry room. He just said 'Hi good morning'. And I answered back politely but I was obviously startled.

Later he asked if he had scared me and I admitted that he had but that it wasn't a problem and that I am often in my own world when I work. Blah blah it was a conversation... again that was difficult to cut off.

I can't pinpoint how I should view this guy. Whether he's SUPER shy and trying to hit on me or if he's a jerk.

Lately my outlook on men is rather dismal. I've had one too many weird or negative experiences and I've kinda lost faith in them. Maybe a polyamorous outlook is my destiny.

Lingering Ethereal Disconnections

Words. I need to see words in print today. The physical things rather than just ethereal shadows in my mind as they are thought.

When I first started playing online I was doing it as an adrenaline rush. It was like a drug. It was addictive because it gave me that boost, that high. It felt so good, I was euphoric. I've come to fear those encounters now. The net is a scary place. It's all too familiar. All too close. It feels like it's too easy to see someone you know or worse, get into some sort of nasty situation like bribery. Despite all my fears it's not why I've stopped stripping on camera for fun. I had work arounds, I had people I trusted that I could get off with.
I soon realized, though, that stripping and getting off wasn't what I was really looking for. I was looking for approval. I was looking for a boost in self esteem. To get that boost, connections had to be made. When you start making connections people start having expectations, they start wanting a more emotional connection or possibly a more physical one, based in reality.
If I wasn't in a position to give that connection then there was the risk of hurting that person, and vice-versa, if I wanted that connection and they weren't willing, I would get hurt. That is what scares me now: Hurting people or getting hurt.

Today I feel like I've lost all connection, for whatever reason I just don't feel it. With anyone. Whether that be online or in my 'real' life. I feel utterly disconnected. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'm sure there's an explanation. I'm likely the one responsible for it. I'm sure it's something in my own mind, in my own behaviour even, but I can't pinpoint what it is or how to fix it.

I've had it before and it is generally a temporary feeling. Today it's strong enough for me to put it into words but it's been lingering for quite some time now in the shadows of my mind and heart.

Brain Chaos.

Things in my brain have calmed down... because it's my brain that creates the chaos and difficulties that I perceive. Sure, there are external factors too but it's magnified by my brain.

The niece is no better, still in the psych ward and still very difficult to deal with. She's fine with me, but a monster with her parents yet they seem to be dealing with things slowly and painfully but steadily.

As with the bf I had a discussion with him. It was painless and quite easy. We talked about sex but it was a conversation that didn't seem to resolve anything. We need to talk about it again. I have issues, he has issues and for now we acknowledged that they are there and we voiced some of them. Now to work through them and get past them.

The weather is good, it's hot... and that does things to me. It makes me horny... I've got pictures planned but whether I'll manage to find time to get any up is the main issue.

I need a vacation.

Better

I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday I spent most of the day trying desperately not to cry and being mostly unsuccessful. I even got hugs from people at work as I burst in to tears there, it was a stressful day. Not only that but things with the bf were getting to me and things were piling up.

The bf was better about the whole situation yesterday and today. He came with me to the hospital briefly today. I didn't stay long either mind you. She seemed to be in good spirits but that's likely a show. She's not really ok. We know that.

At work the CoW walked up to me, real close, looked me straight in the eye about 4 inches away and said that I was 'super beautiful today' and continued to say 'but yesterday...' and didn't finish his sentence. He was brushing up, touching my hand and jokingly inviting me into one of the back rooms at work today too. it was a nice distraction. It's funny how he finds me super attractive at my lowest point. Maybe he's attracted to my vulnerability.

I invited CoW out for drinks today since we have a student of ours from our trip to Corfu who is in town. He said he might come if I promised not to seduce him. When I told him that I promised, he said he didn't trust me. He was working so the texts stopped and eventually got back to me saying that the appointment was too late and that he couldn't make it, he had to get home to his family.

I got a care package from home today too. That definitely cheered me up. It had all sorts of things that I love from people I love. It was heartwarming. It's times like these that I really miss my friends back home and wish I could just meet up for coffee or spend a weekend on a tiny island curled up on a couch with my best friend.

As regards to the bf there's all sorts of stuff I need to work through and that we both need to work through together. He said some things the other day that later, thinking back, made me really angry. I've put them aside for now but we really need to talk. Things are so busy though that we've barely been able to meet up. Yesterday I had the whole afternoon free but I was too angry and too upset to be able to deal with anything. It will be the project for this weekend.

Hey World..... FUCK OFF

Today is not a good day. I am overwhelmed with frustration, anger, anxiety, hatred, sadness, desperation and helplessness. There are too many negative and complicated things going on and as usual, all at the same time.

I feel like telling the world to FUCK OFF and I feel like crawling under the sheets and curling up in the foetal position and staying there until the world decides to fix things.

Remember this post? Well she tried suicide again. This time though she's calling out for me. She's insisting I come to see her in the psyche ward. She called her mother frantically, desperate to see me. Her mother in tears on the phone to me begging me to help her.

The bf is barely taking an interest so to speak. I understand his distance, I accept it, and I almost agree with it, but at the same time I'm left stuck in the middle. He has no comforting words for me after I've had to see her in piteous conditions numerous times and that bothers me. I feel like slapping him into reason. I feel like forcing him to deal with the emotions. I can barely talk to him about it. He doesn't want to listen. I'm just so angry with everyone. Irrational, I'm sure... but it's the only emotion that keeps me sane right now. All the men in the family, the bf, the girl's father, their other brother are so fucking incapable with their emotions its incredible. I'd like to kick them all in the nuts and tell them to get their fucking acts together.

What next?

Who are you sleeping with?

Would I stay with the bf if I found out he's cheated on me? Would I forgive him? Would I turn things around myself and make another serious go of our relationship? 

We had a discussion the other day. It was about sex and the lack thereof. He blames me. Maybe it's true. It doesn't feel true but maybe it is. 

We've had this discussion before, and the ugly part is he brings up sleeping with other women each time. Both prostitutes and simply other women. I don't think it's fair. He asks me what I'd do if he were sleeping with someone. Or he says that all sorts of men can't go a week without sex and would resort to a prostitute. 

It feels like threats. Or maybe he's testing the water to see what would happen if he admitted it. 

I feel, right now, that I don't trust him. I feel like he's sleeping with others and maybe it's been the case for a long time. Possibly longer than my thing with Rob. 

It's a gut feeling tightly connected to the fact that he mentioned it. And to the fact that he's been shaving his cock and pits for 2 years. If we aren't having sex, or only rarely, why shave? And why even start now? 

This fear of him having been with others scares me out of having sex with him too.  The thought of not knowing where his cock has been scares me. 

Maybe I'm projecting though. Entirely possible. 

I also feel somewhat justified for not engaging in sex with him... A woman's logic is a spectacular thing....I feel like since he refused to even consider a family with me that sex and our relationship can be on my back burner. Why should I invest energy if he won't. 

Do I expect too much? Probably. And my logic isn't exactly sound, I know. I'm totally aware of my double standards too. 

Question is, now what?

Do I confront him with my questions and my trust issues or just try to go along with our new plan to fix the sex, putting everything else behind me? 

Curbing the Anxiety

Spring is in the air. Maybe it's even summer, it's hot here today. It's sunny and all I want is to sit in the sun and lounge around or go for walks. It also means my mood is improving. Winter makes me a little lethargic and wanting to hide from the fog and rain in a warm, cozy cave.

I talked to Rob for a chat this week. It had been a while since we chatted and it was making me edgy. Every time he had time I didn't and vice-versa. Finally the other day we both had time, we had even set up a time. Then I get a call from the bf saying he was at the grocery store getting some stuff. He wanted to stop by after and have lunch, I said yes, but when I realized it meant I couldn't talk to Rob I got frustrated to the point I called the bf making excuses for him not to stay for lunch. The excuses were real motivations, I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to eat lunch, and I told him that him coming made me feel anxious about getting things done before going to work. It was true, but it also meant some time to myself... and Rob.

So he came over dropped some things, stayed 5 mins then left. It probably wasn't the nicest thing for me to do but it was the best solution. 

Fact is, no matter how I try to deny or logically talk myself out of it, if I go too long without talking to Rob I get antsy and anxious. I've learned to deal with it over the years (mostly recently). I've learned to control it and not go into overdrive, but it still sucks. So by talking to him I'm able to curb the anxiety. If I hadn't made that time, I could have gone weeks possibly, feeling anxious and frustrated.

Maybe it's an old abandonment issue from when my parents divorced. Or maybe it's a trust thing. Who knows where it comes from but the effects are very real and affect my mood and therefore my everyday life. I wish I could be anxiety free. That would change my life.

Neighbour update

So I've kept my eye on my neighbour's posts and they've all been public since that day. 

I went back to look at the posts I imagine were aimed at me a couple times but no one commented or 'liked' them. Today I went back to check again and the three main posts were gone: the poem, the French post and the QR code. 

The post about pizza vs marshmallows and the 'feeling creative' posts were still up. They were the only ones I'd acknowledged by liking. This some how tells me they were for me. The fact he didn't delete those posts makes it pretty clear. 

Now I'm starting to feel bad for his gf. I won't tell her, I have no proof or certainty but he's a total jerk at this point. Right? He knows we've become friends and he tries to come on to me?! 

My Neighbor might be (stalking is too strong a word) me.

I think the neighbour I mentioned in my last post is trying to hit on me/stalk me.

I'm not sure but after that last bravado of finding my YouTube channel I kept my eyes open for signs. 

Today on fb he edited his posts from 'publicly shared' to 'custom shared', the custom ones seemed to be either somehow connected to something I posted or I got the sinking feeling they were meant for me. The most obvious was when I posted about eating marshmallows and he posted a challenge between pizza and marshmallows. I happened to 'like' his post knowing it was aimed at me, I avoided commenting even though I didn't have my hunches yet. 

When he didn't get a comment (from me) he wrote his own comment, repeating the challenge with the phrase "I wonder which is better, pizzas or marshmallows". I ignored that too.  

Then he posted a quote from a poem by Garcia: to burn with desire and keep silent about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. (Again with a custom post)

I didn't like or comment on that one and later he posted a 'custom'/non public status update with the following phrase in French: Il est pas bien (it isn't good).

He also 'custom' posted a QR code. When I started to put two and two together I checked what the QR code was and it turned out to be his contact info including his phone number and email. 

His last attempt (at gaining my attention I think) was a post simply saying "wanting to get creative" with little camera emoticons. 

It seems obvious to me but it's not overly obvious considering he didn't send me private messages. His status updates up to this point have ALL been shared publicly, but this evening they were all 'custom' and no one else liked or commented on any of them. Fact is you can see a post is 'custom shared' but there's no way to tell who the person is sharing with. It could be that just one person is out of the loop, or it could be privately shared with just one or a few people.

I think it all started yesterday too, his first custom post ever was the phrase "what am I going to eat for dinner tomorrow?" No one answered, I didn't 'like' the post, I paid no attention to it whatsoever. But now... now I'm wondering whether he was hinting that his gf was going to be away for the evening.

I just hope, and I'm pretty sure, he hasn't found this blog. I've kept an eye on my stat counter and can't see any hits from here apart from myself. This, of course, unless he has an ip bouncing program like netshade or something. 

It's kinda creepy, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there's an explanation, maybe all those posts weren't JUST for me, maybe tomorrow there will be comments from others. Maybe his girlfriend will comment. They'd be noticed by her, especially the poem post.... right???

Crap I just noticed he's following me on instagram too... though that is more logical seeing as it's through fb contacts. 

The weirdest thing is that I have barely talked to the guy. In the year I've been living here I've seen him maybe 5 times, and talked to him at length just once when their washing machine broke and flooded our basement. I was down helping them shovel water. He barely says hello when I see him. He's EXTREMELY shy or something.

Google Fucking Plus Bullshit Solved.

I don't know if anyone else has been having problems with Google+ but here's my story and what I've done about it.

________


Today something really annoying happened and it's not the first time. However, I think I've solved the problem.

Since I moved into my new place I've made friends with my new neighbours. They're cool people. I like the woman, I don't know the guy at all except through the occasional post on FB. Buuut he's a little odd. He hasn't posted anything odd mind you, it's just that he seems to 'like' and notice everything I do on fb, he has also initiated chats more than once on there but in real life he's barely capable of saying hello. I just imagined he was very shy. I'm sure that's the case. He seems nice enough, even if a little stalkerish.

What was really weird and kinda annoyed me is that he somehow found my youtube page. Now consider we're only connected through fb. My fb is a seperate email, it's a hotmail account that I NEVER use, but it does use my full first and last name. And I definitely don't go publishing my youtube videos to fb. NONE of my friends know about my youtube page.

The ONLY way I can think he found me was by searching for my first and last name on google+. That account, my Youtube account is/(was) only (and annoyingly) visible on my google+ account (which I never really wanted) which is/(WAS!) in turn connected to my everyday gmail account.
Youtube forced people to meld their google accounts at some point.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. I've had a blogger friend also get to my normal life youtube account through my Cande google+. WTF?!?

So my solution, ELIMINATE GOOGLE PLUS, it's a fucking nightmare to delete though. It was impossible to figure out. I FINALLY managed it. I found where to delete it and now I have no google+ on any of my gmail accounts. It was slowly but surely linking my Cande-Gina profile with my real life profile. It was suggesting people from my blogger life to people in my real life and vice versa. Very bad. VERY VERY BAD.

Fucking google.

Now I'm free. I don't have to worry about it anymore. And despite what you might think. It doesn't affect your original youtube account, as long as you had an alias before you started. It won't delete your email account, and it won't delete your blogger profile. It just affects/deletes your google+ feed.

W00T!

The Belt part II Re-post

So as I promised here is the second Belt post. I'm not entirely sure why I liked this post so much more than the other one. Maybe the memory of getting drunk on sex, it happened to me when I finally had sex with him too. My teeth tingle and I get light headed, I feel my skin get taught over my belly. It's a strange sensation but I love it.
Just a reminder: this post was written before we met up. I didn't know what he felt like inside me. I could only imagine how much of his cock I could take into my mouth.


______________________________________

He asked me if I wanted to do "The Belt" part two. How could I possibly resist.

I was turned on the minute Rob sent me a text this morning saying that he was rock hard in bed wanting to push his cock into my pussy.
We talked nicely for the first while, I kept hinting that I wanted something more. He played and teased me until his suggestion came. We were looking for something different, fingers weren't going to be enough today.

I grabbed the belt and organized myself. And I watched him closely. He told me exactly what he wanted me to do.

-Slap yourself with it.
-put it between your legs over your panties, and pull on it, long and slow strokes.

Each link bumping slowly against my clit, dragging my panties with it, pulling them tighter into my ass and then back again, tightening them on my clit. Back and forth, it was almost unbearable.

-Spit on your fingers, rub it on your pussy then slip the belt through the sides of your panties.

I did as he said. I was already wet, but this made me downright slick and I shivered slightly with the cold metal on my skin, feeling the links against my freshly shaved pussy.

-Pull your top down so your nipples are showing. Pull on them. Wrap the belt around them.

I wrapped the belt around my chest. The cold buckle on my nipple. It was rough and cold, but it made my nipples hard. It felt good. I like anything tight.

-Pull it tighter, hurt yourself a little.

I pulled it tight, feeding the buckle more and more length, pulling my breasts closer together. It was almost hard to breathe, but it felt so good to be back in his hands.

-Ok, enough take it off.

It was enough to make my breasts slightly red, I looked down and laughed at myself. He smiled.

-Back to your pussy, put the belt through front to back, under your panties, spread wide. Now push some of it in.

It hurt a little, the links pinching, I had to find the right combination of movements to get some of it in. I bunched it up, the cold metal warming to my skin.

-Hold it there. Now rub your clit with the other part.

The belt was ever so slightly inside me, and I took the top half and rubbed it against my clit. The belt was now wet, sliding easily over my skin as I took the top section of chain mail and rubbed it quickly across the most sensitive area. It was getting me to the brink, just the thrill of pushing metal into myself on his orders.

The belt was eventually abandoned. I resorted in my fingers. He had me spanking myself and pushing my fingers in, banging myself and calling me a slut, his slut, until I came. I was dizzy from breathing so hard. I love that feeling of getting dizzy on sex. Getting drunk on it.

He was eager, watching, smiling, and resisting. He didn't touch himself but he was hard. He showed me like a good boy when I was done. He was huge, as usual. I asked him if I could watch him get off.

He had just shaved his marvelous cock, his balls were smooth and obviously nice to play with because he started there. God how I wanted to take them into my mouth, lick them, and get them totally drenched. I wanted his cock in my mouth. I wanted it against the back of my throat. It's a massive piece of work, I'm not sure I could handle it all. But I do want to try.

He asked me where I wanted him to cum. I asked him to cum on my tits first, making my nipples wet and slick, so I could rub it all in. Then on my lips and chin, so I could lick it up.

He came hard. All over his dining room table, he tilted the camera to show me. Holy shit, that was a lot of cum. I wasn't expecting it. But it was so hot I wanted more. I always want more from him.

It's crazy, I have to control myself.

The Belt, Re-post 1

So I went out the other evening and in my frenzy to get dressed I grabbed an old belt I hadn't warn in ages. It was the only one that worked with the outfit but oh what a belt it is...

Shortly after I started this blog, Rob and I had two online events that featured this belt.

The memories obviously came flooding back to me as I wore that belt. It had been a long time since I'd worn it and an even longer time since I thought about those encounters. In reality I'd even forgotten it was two episodes. So I've decided to re-post them.

I've made some changes to the original post due to the fact that I now call people slightly differently on here.
Keep in mind that we were not using audio at the time. I hardly spoke at all because I wasn't allowed to touch the keyboard. He was typing.






I have a personal preference for the second episode, but we must start at the beginning... 

___________________________________

1st of July 2009 (omg it was 7 years ago?!?)

I organized a meeting with Rob on line before the bf got back from holidays. We had had an unfortunately frustrating chat on msn yesterday so Rob decided to make up for it. He promised me that I wouldn't have to touch the keyboard. He also said that he'd text me his demands for what I should wear this morning.

It just so happened that I got called for a job interview yesterday evening which would make me late for our "date". So I texted Rob to warn him. He said that he wasn't quite sure what he'd have me wear, but that the interview had given him some ideas.

I got the text late this morning:
'Ok, so I'm looking for the sexy sophisticated look. Short skirt, blouse, or shirt, hold up tights, high heels, glasses, hair tied back, sexy undies, etc. Use your imagination. Oh and you'll be needing a leather belt. xx'

I headed off to the interview excited about finishing it ASAP so that I could get back to get organized for the "show".

Aced the interview, jumped into the car and drove back home. Pulled on the shortest black skirt I could ruffle up, my black hold up nylons, black lace thong, my black corset with the garter incorporated, a white dress shirt, my black glasses and I tied my hair back the best I could. I grabbed my only soft black leather belt and threw on my black heels. Stepped into a pair of earrings and voilà a hot, sexy office worker! All in 10 minutes!

Online Rob started by asking me to go through the checklist of what I was wearing. Making sure I hadn't forgotten anything. I stood up to show him the skirt bending over slightly to show him the tights, or where they finished.

After a 10 minute break (to post a letter, as he matter of factly said) he came back. He was silent. He was thinking. He wasn't sure whether to go slow or fast. I asked him what he'd do if he had an ice-cream, lick it slow or gobble it up. He said fast, but that I was better than ice-cream.

He asked me to unbutton the top button of my shirt, which revealed the top of the corset. And to hike up my skirt. Spread my legs, run my hands along my thighs... slowly. "does it feel good?" I nod.
He tells me to get the belt. and to run it along my legs down to my ankles. Tie your ankles together with it. done. He then giggles realizing that it's impossible for me to move like that and tells me to take it off. He tells me to rub it along my thighs, then up my body to my breasts and neck. Unbutton your shirt. I ran the buckle along my neck down my chest to my nipples. Cold.

Rub it between your legs. Feel good? Nod. The buckle against my clit. Cold.

I stand up. I have an idea. I grabbed a different belt, chain mail. Metal and cold. I needed something cold against my skin in the 33 degree heat.

I ran it along my body, feeling the metal against my skin.
Dangle it between your legs. Nod.
Does that feel good? Nod.
Can you feel the cold? Nod.
God you're so fucking hot
Pull it between your legs, front to back. On top of your panties.
The metal hard and cold against my ass.
Pull it back and forth.
I pulled it up slowly between my lips, my thong pulling with it, uncovering my flower. The rough surface bumping and vibrating across my clit, making me shiver. Back and forth. Up and down. Faster, slower...

Now thread it through crossways so that it's touching your pussy. left to right. Done.
Oh god I wish I was there.
Oh I like that.
Chest heaving, feeling faint, breathing too hard. Feeling faint.
Does that feel good? Nod
Back and forth, each cool link in the chains making me shake.
God I'm hard.
Take your panties off.
You need rougher?
You're the boss.
Rougher it is then...
Harder...
Faster...
Jerk it now.I yank on the belt making it hit my clit, harder. harder.
yeah.
Cheese grater. Giggle. Nevermind. Smile.

Work your clit now, I wanna see how wet you are. Use your fingers.
Slide them in.
Too much. It feels too good.
Ok, now you're in charge, show me what you've got.
I turn around and show him my ass, and my pussy wet and full with my fingers.
I'd never get tired of fucking you like that.
I'd never get tired of you fucking me like that.

Get yourself to orgasm babe.
This is where I get you off.
i'm fucking you
I'm fucking you hard
your begging for it
you want it deeper, harder, faster, in your mouth, in your ass, all over you...

I came. I was sweating. It was hot. My body arching for the final contraction.

It was by far the best cyber fuck, I've ever had. I wasn't in control of anything. I let him take over completely.
I want to repeat the experience, except with him sitting there watching in person.

Mash Up

So HNT went up, did you find me??
I'll give you a hint: I'm lacking a little colour and you can play with me... literally.
____________________

 Co-W
What else is up?
Hmm. I'm angry at Co-W... I've been in a bit of a mood these days anyhow but things at work are annoying and he hasn't been helping. I could rattle on about what he did but I'd rather not.

Today I wasn't expecting him to be at work, actually I was kinda hoping he wouldn't be there, he often isn't there on Fridays. But he was. I had to pretend not to be mad at him. I didn't want to get into a discussion about what had happened. He noticed though I think, I can't think of any other reason why he'd really come down hard on flirting and playing around today if he didn't feel my vibe of pure "couldn't give a fuck".
Even after we'd gone home he kept texting me. I doubt he knows that he's pissed me off though. I imagine he probably just thinks I've got my mind elsewhere.
____________________

Rob
My best friend in Canada is coming to Europe in October, specifically London. I've already said that I'd meet her if she was sure she's coming, there's still a chance she won't come. I have mentioned a couple options on meeting with Rob but he hasn't said anything about either. One was obviously the UK seeing as I'm likely meeting my friend there, and the other was the possibility to meet in France. I'd love to get back to France to practice my french a little more this year, who knows.
____________________

 Art
Tomorrow I'm doing a craft fair. It's my first. I'm rather stoked about it, though I'm also quite apprehensive. I'm worried I'll have worked and created for nothing. We're (me and some friends) have got a table in the main square of town it also feels rather exposed and I'm sure a ton of people will be there. I'm going to feel a little embarrassed, I know a lot of people in this city, I have taught a large number of the inhabitants. I'm sure I'll see people I know. It's a little scary really.... wondering if people will appreciate my stuff or if I just won't sell anything. At the same time though it's exciting.

Can You?

Can you get off without a screen in front of you?

I do think that this problem might be an issue for some women too. I have felt like I've come close to being at this point. My advice? Moderation. Get away from porn for a (long) while until you can get yourself off with your hands and imagination, stay there for a while and then bring porn back in gradually and only occasionally. Switch things up. Don't always get off in the same ways, especially not always with visual stimuli.

Oh and before you go off the visuals... get over to HNT on Thursday!

Call for Half Nekkid Pics!

So Guess what?!? HNT is making a brief comeback!! I'm excited as hell.
It was all in lieu of Google's (Blogger) threat to take down our blogs due to their explicit nature. The original plan was to go out with a bang and post a whole bunch of "artistic nudes" in protest.

Since Google retracted its decision Osbasso decided we'd still go ahead with the picture party. I guess it's now going to be a celebration that we're staying.

Soooooo if you want to participate (you don't have to have a blog to participate) you can send pictures to Osbasso at: hntanon@gmail.com
You still have a week, so get your pictures in!! 

You can go see the submissions on the 19th over at The Other HNT.

Have fun!

**Oh and please, no gratuitous bodily fluids... we do have to keep some "artistic qualities" to these pics. Yes boys, that includes no cum shots and girls no creampies or anything else that would constitute bodily fluid... you know what I mean.**