Accepting myself in different ways.

I haven't been on in ages due to the holidays. My dad came and went, it was nice to see him although unfortunately he and his wife caught the flu on the way here and were sick most of the time. It was pretty frustrating for everyone.

But what I'm really here to talk about is butch lesbian girls.
Ok so what got me on this topic was a character on a reality tv show.
Now to make things confusing she looks A LOT like a cute guy and with the dubbing into Italian I couldn't figure out whether she was a girl or a guy so I looked her up. But to be honest I found her hot, finding out that she is a girl almost turns me on more. It's enticing. I've never been totally attracted to women... I mean I love a woman's body, but I've never found a woman that turns me on just thinking about her. But this woman did and that surprised me.

I haven't had sex in ages. I've only

I have possibly found a solution to all my problems. My neighbours are moving away in March. I might take into consideration renting it and then subletting to tourists on occasion while using it as my own studio space.

hmmm

what else....

gah, I remember what it was I was thinking about....

I believe that I've never really liked my body. I probably have a hard time accepting myself for some reason. This is partially why I do what I do... why I'm constantly looking for approval or praise about it. It's something that I've known about myself or at least thought about myself but never wrote it out or admitted to it. So there it is.... in black and white I probably need to work on that.

Oh and I don't like skin... in general... Never look at it too closely it's pretty nasty.

Thoughts on Men, and Questions (at the end).

I haven't written a post in a while. Life takes over, especially around Christmas time.
My father is getting here on Thursday, and I still haven't finished doing everything I need to do before he gets here. Plus I have a million people to make little gifts for. I made all my Christmas gifts for friends this year.
Yes I can be crafty as well as artsy. So I got busy and made all sorts of things. But it's time consuming and somewhat stressful.

I haven't had anything really substantial going on these days. This is another reason for not writing I guess. I tend to get distracted by little things and concentrate less on boys on occasion... it doesn't happen all that often buuut I guess it's that time of the year.

I'm totally addicted to a new photo app on my iphone (sounds off topic, but it's one of my distractions lately), I love taking pictures, editing them and posting them to see what others think. There are so many cool people out there taking great pictures on their phones or other cameras, and editing them, making them artistic, pieces of pure creativity. I just love it.

ROB
I talked to Rob today... tonight, in the dark, whispering, words gliding over me, my hands cold running over my body as he told me what to touch and how fast to go. His offenses, calling me a slut, turns me on so much. We don't talk a whole lot when we're getting off. We're both shy that way. We stare at each other a lot. He's got a little more guts than I do, and he talks more. I love to listen to his voice.
We didn't stay on to talk after either, although sometimes I'd love to, but he's just not the type to hang around. Is that what's called the "Alpha male " syndrome? lol... in for the chase and then gone after? ah well I don't mind we have our chats during the day.

Last week we had a great conversation that lasted probably 1.5 to 2 hours. It was just chit-chat about whatever. I'm not sure he realizes how much I love those, or how much they turn me on after I hang up the phone. Nothing sexual passes in the conversations except for the occasional, "when are you coming", "are you going to fuck me again?" type questions. But after we get off the phone I end up getting so worked up. Maybe it's like a Pavlov's reaction to his voice or accent or something.

Co-Worker
As for work, things have been ambiguous with Co-Worker as usual. I Honestly don't know what to make of him most of the time... and I've been ignoring him. A few of the instances that had me confused were:
-walking up to me within an inch of my face and staring me down, only to walk away in utter silence after I ask "what?" quietly. (same one as described last entry)
-Walking up to me after my other co-worker notices I'm wearing perfume and sniffs my neck within a distance that I can feel his breath on my shoulder.
-giving me little encouraging nudges and pats for a job well done.
-we even joked about kisses, and he asked me to plant one on his cheek, it was in front of our clients and I did not obey.
-we also had our first argument of sorts. It's a long story but in the end we were both right, and he basically got frustrated at me for having blamed him (in a roundabout way) for his forgetting to tell me something,  he did tell me but not on time. He thinks that it wasn't his place to tell me in the first place.
Whatever... in any case he got over it pretty quickly.
-He helped me with my dad's Christmas present idea.

Ignoring means that I haven't been flirting at all. I've been joking around, the usual stuff, just none of the typical touchy or me making it obvious. I think that could be why he's started with his games again.

He's just a player. But I do plan to do a little experiment on him to see his reaction. I'm planning to try his walk up close and stare game. See what he does. I've never done it to him. Except we won't be working together until a while after Christmas... so it'll have to wait.

TO ALL MEN:
Women do little experiments on you.
Did you know that?
I'd love to hear a man's voice. I'd love to find out if men do the same.

Scheming

Christmas is on it's way. My father is coming to visit for a week around the holidays. I'm really excited about it. I just wish I could be in India with him and my sister at the moment. I'd just love to have that opportunity again... will it arise? probably not.

BF
Things with bf have been going surprisingly well. I have "moments of quite desperation", that I'm not sure whether I surpress or overcome. I can't quite tell right now. I still feel the urge to get out.
We had some decent sex the other night. I've been suffering from kidney stones again so it wasn't anything spectacular, but I did get off.
I've learned that if I want to get off when we have sex the first time after a long dry spell, I really have to work at it. A lot of clitoral stimulation, but it works and it seems to turn him on.

I even tried getting him to talk to me. But it didn't really work. I guess I kinda put him on the spot, but I eased the tension immediately taking things (literally) into my own hands


Rob
I have been planning... and scheming, and yes I think I'll be heading over there again to see him. In March probably. We've talked about it quite a bit, and this has also stimulated more frequent contact, or maybe not, maybe it's just me, and I've had some extra free time.

I love the little things with him. We caught each other on Skype one day, it was a nice conversation, nothing sexual, just random thoughts and stuff like two old friends. But I later got an email simply stating how he enjoyed our conversation but that he was looking forward to getting some pussy. It made me smile.

I later decided to send him a pic of my town. I've never sent him anything of where I live. I felt a bit strange doing it. But he liked it.

Then last night we got each other off online. Every time we get off, he takes time to just watch me. He holds his phone up, horizontal to his body, over his face, and he just watches. I love love love the look on his face when he watches me.

Co-Worker
I haven't really been working much, things have been slow at work. I did go in the other day for an hour or so. When I arrived, Co-Worker blocked my path, stood square in front of me 2 inches from my face and stared me down. He just stood there, not a word. It's not the first time. He does this on occasion. At least once a week when I'm working my full hours there. I still can't understand what it means, if anything. But I re-read my offline diary entries from Greece and I've realized that I need to trust my gut instinct more.
I ignored it my whole trip with him. But I was right all along, so I need to stay true to the senses I get.

Hide N' Take

I had a few free moments this morning while bf was out getting groceries. And Since I have some new photo apps on my iphone I figured I'd play around with those for HNT.
*And yes, there are three pictures to find again this week.*

Teasing

I love a tease, a good one.
I love it when I watch a bunch of wonderfully erotic porn, I've recently come across a bunch from X-Art on youporn, they are so hot. All of them. The girls are gorgeous, the boys are too. And I've seen behind the scenes shots that are genuinely sexy. Perhaps I'll post a link. But not today. Today is about teasing.

I love getting myself so wet I want to touch. I won't touch though. I hold off. I get myself totally and utterly worked up that I could cum just brushing myself.

Today I talked to the Italian in Rome. The one that I suggested the threesome to last year ( I think).

Remind me that I need to blog about what we talked about in our last conversation.

He was such a tease today and we played on cam for the first time in AGES. It was yummy, very sexy.

First he teased me though. He talked about what he'd do to me licking my ass, letting saliva drip down to my pussy. Slipping his tongue inside my tight little hole, and then slipping his cock inside me.

Oh man, I'd love to feel his cock glide into my ass.

Then after a while of writing we finally got on camera. He was hard as stone. I was dripping, and we immediately got to it. I unzipped my hoodie to my bare skin, and bra underneath, I pulled my jeans down and showed him my ass. He groaned and laughed and said how hot I was... He was dripping pre-cum, he showed me, slipped his fingers into it and even brought it to his mouth.

Fingering, playing, licking... I still haven't cum. I watched him cum all over himself. We talked about meeting, about how explosive things are on line, and we look at each other with lust in our eyes.

Stealing glimpses

We caught each other stealing a glimpse today.

I do it when I'm standing in doorways. I often stand in doorways at work, it looks less suspicious to my boss. I can relax there but move into another room, a room I should be working in, quickly.
It's also an excellent vantage point to see around the whole studio space. See what everyone is doing.

Today we were both standing in doorways. I was standing in one, and Co-Worker across the room in the other. We were both distracted, looking at people or things, and then I turned to look where he was looking, and right then he did the same. Our eyes caught, held for a moment and then I looked away.

I don't know why this stands out in my mind. We often look at each other, we often stare into each other's eyes for fun, doing it purposely (the staring contest type thing). But this was different, perhaps because we were both trying not to be noticed by the other.

Friday he asked me to have lunch with him, we went together but we were joined by two clients and so we were not alone.

Bf.
Today Bf did something that made me cry.
He's been telling me that he wanted me to listen to a song since the "break-up" and today he finally got up the courage to play it for me.
It's a song I know well, and I even knew what song he was going to play, it's an Italian song. It's extremely sweet. And yes, when he played it for me, I cried. He asked me not to make fun of him, and he told me to listen to the words. I knew the words, I've heard it a million times, but I wasn't really expecting to cry.

Rob
Last week while bf was constantly out of the house Rob had time and I had time to get on line, his internet was down. It was unfortunate, but not as frustrating as it could have been. I tend to keep my expectations low these days, otherwise I get worked up for nothing.
He wrote me today saying how quiet I've been. It's true I haven't sent him text messages or emails even in the past while. I've just been busy, and concentrated on other things I guess. I think about him constantly, I just don't act on my thoughts as much as I used to. I wonder if I've just recently come to terms with everything.... I mean emotionally. I'm not as anxious about him as I used to be. I like this feeling a lot. It's comforting.

Lollypop

HAPPY HNT everyone!

*click*

So I decided to go with John's suggestion this week. Only because he managed to answer in time that afternoon for me to use his suggestion. I will be saving other suggestions for next time.

I've also played a little game of hide and seek to make up for my absence. Can anyone find me?

Artistic urges and other types of urges

So an HNT is going up tomorrow (my thursday). I always get excited about HNT when I manage to find the time to get the pictures done.

I had the day free today, Bf was out all day. I woke up happy to be awake, which has been happening rather rarely these days. I've been having to get up too early and it's too cold and damp here to get out of bed. But today I woke up eagerly. I had dreamt about a large art project that I'm eager to start work on.

These artistic impulses are a funny thing though. If I don't act on them right away they wear off, the novelty wears off and I get tired of them. I really have a hard time getting back into a project I've started and left aside. And often I don't have the time or space to really concentrate on something till I finish it.

In any case I sat down and sketched it out. It is probably the third or fourth large size project that I have come up with in the past year. I haven't actually started work on any of them. But the ideas are all on paper so I won't forget them.

While I was working on that today I fondly thought about my mother who was an artist before she passed away prematurely from lung cancer (she never smoked a cigarette in her life).
I remembered how she used to mix her media together to create unique pieces of art. She had so many skills she didn't know how to put them all to use. I find that I have the same qualities as an artist. (without wanting to boast), I know a hundred different art techniques, and I love having had her influence to mix them together as most people wouldn't.
I wish she were alive so that I could tell her that.

Co-Worker
I have decided to really lay off Co-worker. I think it's for the best. I'm not sure whether he wants to flirt or not but I honestly don't really care anymore. He's so touch and go that I can't be bothered.... ok maybe I'm not that adamant on backing off, but I am trying to make a conscious effort.

I went to lunch with him and my other female co-worker and I asked them what they were up to this friday eve, there's a concert I want to go see. I know for sure that Co-worker likes the type of music the band plays. The girl co-worker said that she wasn't interested and he made some offhand comment about not liking them, but then he smiled and winked at me.

So who knows...

I give up.

I am going to the concert though, probably alone. We'll see how things roll that evening.

Rob
Rob and I were both home and horny yesterday afternoon (after I got the HNT pics done), except he had internet problems and he kept getting kicked off of Skype. It sucked the bucket... but I have to say It may well have been for the best because Bf got home very shortly after we tried talking.

BF
Bf surprised me the other day. I told him about the concert that I'd like to go see on Friday. He said, "let me know what you want to do, I'll come with you if you want me to, you can go on your own or with whoever you want to go with".
Before all of this happened he'd have reacted differently. He would have complained about me wanting to go. He'd have said that he didn't want to come and if I said I wanted to go on my own he'd have gotten huffy/angry even.

An Ex.
I have this weird urge to get in touch with my Ex.... I dated this guy before moving here, I was totally in love with him, we were engaged even, but then he cheated on me and I got angry and dumped him. He now lives in Norway, has a son and a wife, but he is having problems with his wife. I've heard he wants a divorce. What I've heard is all through a friend, so I don't actually know what's up. But he is an artist and I am curious about what he's doing and how he's doing it artistically. The urge has been strong, but I don't know if it would be a good idea.

Suggestions?

Ok so I have some time this afternoon to get some pics for HNT done. Except I'm a little short of ideas. Any ideas of what I should do?
I'll take into consideration any "tasteful" ideas and easily achievable ideas.

Planes, Trains of Thought and Dresses?

A quick note regarding the last post to begin with. The energies I was talking about were positive ones (this time) I wasn't clear in my post though. I just have a hard time harnessing all the sexual and amorous energy sometimes.... I realize that my need to get those out into the open with feedback are quite related to my own insecurities.

Bf
Last night I told bf that I had an appointment to see another apartment tomorrow. He calmly asked me if I was planning on pursuing that route, (this is the second apartment I'll be seeing on my own). When I said yes, he started to hum and haw and beat around the bush, but he said, quite nicely, that if I made that decision it wouldn't work for him, that he wouldn't be able to accept that.
The gist of the meaning (my version while reading between the lines) was that he would rather break up with me than live separately.
But then as the conversation wore on, (and he was the only one talking because of a welling up of emotion within him I imagine), he ultimately said that he wanted us to find an alternative, whether it be that we find a bigger apartment together where I have space to do what I need to do... or whatever else. He finished by saying that he will think about things and decide whether he can accept my terms as well.

My final comments were something along the lines of: me having to find my path. That I've taken on a daily routine that I don't really want to continue doing. Part of that is because I moved in with him when I was too young and therefore I didn't have my own rhythm to insert into the relationship. Or perhaps I should say that I have reached a routine with bf that I want to break and can't without something drastic.

I also told him that I haven't found the apartment and that I will not be making decisions tomorrow.
But I hope he has understood my determination... I'm terrible at being clear. But I really do think that this is the best solution. I can't see alternatives right now.

Rob
Rob cracks me up. After I got the song I put it on my ipod. I love it, it makes me smile and even laugh. And it irks him that I did that. heh... I love irking him, he now "regrets" having sent it to me, but it's just his own embarrassment talking.

Saturday night while I was having all those "energy problems" I ended up looking at flights for London. Yeah bad Cande... well prices were super low. They were like 50 Euros (if that) return trip between Feb and March. The sales for that airline end today so from tomorrow the prices will go up. I even found people willing to host me over in London, although I'm not sure how concrete those offers were, but still it made me jump at the bit.

I was really, really close to booking a flight. I even texted Rob asking him if he'd be willing to meet up with me. And he basically said "of course". Problem is it's best for the both of us to put it off to April, but prices are double for April. So I guess I'll just have to wait on it.

In the meantime Rob joked that he was going to quit cybering with me, and just wait til we can actually get together. But when I told him that it was a good substitute for him, he took it as a compliment and gave in to my begging. So we've set a play date for tomorrow. But who knows if it will happen...


Co-Worker
After my text to him I never did get an answer. But I did get a "happy halloween" text at 1am on Halloween night. It was written in English and it said "I will meet you into the night, happy halloween". The next morning I was tempted to just leave the text at that, not to write back, like he does with me. But I ended up giving in to my temptation and I wrote "did I bite you?".
I never got an answer from that either.

Monday I went in to work wearing a form fitting knit dress over leggings and boots. He asked/joked in front of everyone if I could please dress more appropriately for work. While my other co-worker woman defended me saying I looked nice, he just grumbled. He was kidding yet not. It's not the first time he's made a comment like that. These days it seems like my presence just bothers him in a certain sense. Like he gets angry at me for tempting him.

*Not me... looks like she's got shoulder problems or something.

 but the outfit is similar to the one I was wearing*

Energy and Emotions.

There are days when the energy inside is so strong; the emotions are so intense that you need to focus them somewhere. They can't just sit inside you. They can't just stagnate. They need release, they need to interact, they need feedback, they need to evolve. 

When I don't get that interaction, I often feel like I'm going to explode. Problem is that the energy and emotions seem to be people specific, I can't just aim that energy towards anyone or anything.

Maybe I need to learn to channel that energy into other things. Maybe I need to learn how to focus that energy in different ways. 

But then, couldn't it be a mix of insecurities that need reassurance? And if so, then how is it possible to harness those emotions to channel them? 

Heart Shaped Box

I am in love with him.
I have no doubts.
Does that change anything?
No... and Yes... It just means that I'll be aware of what feelings I have and I'll be better able to cope with them.

Between our conversation yesterday, and another brief conversation today things have been amazing.  The look on his face, was a sweet one. We were supposed to play but there was no time. As we were talking I could hear a guitar, he seemed to be bumping it with his fingers. I knew he played. I knew he sang a little too. He kept making noise with it, and when I asked him what it was, he kept saying it was the radio.

I got the feeling he wanted to play for me but either didn't have the time or perhaps the courage.

We had our conversation, but at the end my student arrived and as we were closing I asked him to send me a video of him playing. I was kidding but hoping he'd agree. And he said that he'd send me an audio file.

After my lesson I was busy organizing a DVD for a friend and I get a text message with two question marks "??" from him. Not understanding I texted him thinking that maybe he'd received one of my earlier messages late. So then I check my email and sure enough there was the file.

"Heart Shaped Box" by nirvana was in there, sung and played by him on the guitar. It was slow, sweet and only part of the song. He isn't a professional musician or singer, It's obvious, but he is in tune and does a pretty good job of it. It made me laugh simply because I know the song so well sung by Curt Cobain that it's strange to hear it sung with a british accent, and no-one has ever sung anything specifically for me before. It made me blush funnily.

I honestly loved it. The thought was all too sweet coming from him.

My head is in the clouds now... I keep grinning and can't stop.

What is Passion

Everyone grows up and everyone falls in love with someone at a certain age. They love that person of course, but then people change. Both parties change, that doesn't mean that you don't love that person or can't be passionate with that person, it's just that they fill different needs. And our own needs change too.

So we go looking for things elsewhere....

That's when we click sexually with another person. You've gone looking, you've cheated, and "love" hits you on the head without you expecting it because the passion is so intense, because passion doesn't exist without the love and emotion. If you take sex, and take the passion out of it you have pure sex which isn't half as interesting as when there's a connection.

What exactly is passion though?

Dictionary.com states:

-any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

-strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

-strong sexual desire; lust.

-an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

-a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

To be honest, I don't quite agree, although I understand why it has been worded this way. Passion is passion, Lust is lust. I wouldn't mix the two up. Lust in my opinion is a non amorous feeling of strong sexual desire towards someone similar to a drug addict's need for drugs, whereas passion is an amorous one.

How does this apply to me and what's going on?

ROB
Well I've recently talked to someone who said some things that have clarified what happened in Nottingham with Rob. I knew there were emotions involved, but I don't know how aware I was about what emotions were involved. And I think part of me was trying to avoid getting hurt and pushing those emotions aside to an extent. I didn't want to confront them

I have realized that there was lust and there still is. But passion definitely took over there. And I think too that love has a strong role in this. I was afraid to admit it. And by not admitting it, I risk being in an emotionally confused state over how I feel.

I talked to Rob about it this evening, it was a very very interesting conversation for me. I explained it to him, the understanding that I've come to. I asked him about his feelings on the situation and the first and most important thing that he said was that he isn't as emotionally involved as I am.

This did not scare me, it didn't even phase me really, although it was hard to know what to say in response. I did point out that it was important for me to understand that. He continued by specifying that what he meant was that he has "...more control over his emotions, and that doesn't mean that he feels less strongly...".

It is/was important for me to understand his position on things. I think I now have a better understanding of my feelings and a better understanding of his feelings.

I feel clearer and more at peace with things. I was in a constant state of turmoil (sometimes on the surface other times deeper down) about my feelings around him.

In and Out

People come and go from a person's life, but recently I've had a lot of coming and going.

When I went back this summer to visit friends and family I reconnected with people who I've been in "contact" with via Facebook, but seeing them in person sparked more human interactions.

One is my best friend who is going through a period which we are enjoying sharing. She is going through a pretty intense affair. She is loving it and sharing almost every aspect with me. This has also given me a window to throw in everything that has been going on with me including the blog, Rob, Co-worker and everyone else in my "private" life. I love having her to talk to, share emotions with and basically just bare my soul to.

The other re-entry is my ex-boyfriend. We dated many years ago when I was in high school. I did mention him in a post, I even gave him a name, but god only knows what it was. I used to share just about everything with him before we started dating. We were very close friends and ultimately I broke up with him to save that friendship. I was glad that I did because I managed to save it. But at the same time I think he was terribly hurt.

We kept in touch through the years, I went to his wedding, he had two kids and recently went through a pretty terrible separation. He would get in touch with me when things got bad at home but recently (especially after seeing him back home this summer) he has become extremely needy.

I told him that I was going through tough times with the Bf and I even told him that we were going through a break up but then we got back together, but I don't think he understood. I think he just heard the part about breaking up.

He wants to be "part of my life" he wants to be actively involved in learning about who I have become. I have such a hard time letting him in again because I'm afraid he is going to get hurt again. He doesn't deserve to go through that right now.

I will have to be very careful about how I deal with this situation....

Co-Worker
Well Friday at work went ahead as per usual. The infamous text was never mentioned. And at this point I wonder whether he even received it...

So I was thinking of sending another one on Monday, saying
"choose the correct answer: A) you didn't receive the txt, B) you're ignoring it, C) you didn't understand or D) you didn't have the money to answer"

So much yet so little

So much has been going on, yet so little.

BF
There has been no news on the apartment front, and I am planning on moving back into the guest room for a few nights. Just because I need bf to understand that I haven't changed my mind about moving out. I am afraid though that I've been lax on things at home, especially on his understanding, so I will have to sit down with him and talk to him about it again.

I have changed my ways slightly as he has been at school every day learning English, he leaves at 7 am and comes home at around 8pm, so last night I went grocery shopping and made him dinner with candles and everything. He appreciated it and thanked me. This is something I'd never have done in the past. But I felt compelled since he is out all day.

Co-Worker
Co-worker has been confusing, and there are days when I think that I've lost all interest or that he has lost all interest. That it would be totally WRONG to even tease because we're both in what seems to be a solid place.

But then, like yesterday, where he'd stare me down all morning, with eyes WIDE open, following my movements... being evident about it. I got flustered and smiled, I did try to ask him "What? What???" but he just stays quiet.

The touchy/feely flirting is coming back, and I'm just glad that things are back to normal with him.

I may have compromised that a bit though seeing as today I wrote him a text. It's complicated to explain. I used a common italian saying and translated it terribly into English, and sent it to him. The translated text said more or less "Dont' get mad but sometimes you tempt me". The translation into English (it made no sense in English but it made perfect sense if translated back into Italian) was so obviously wrong that it was funny and I was laughing at it as I wrote him the message. I even put a ;) face after the silly sentence.

Sadly though, he never wrote back. Poo on him.... I wonder if he's going to say something about it tomorrow. It annoys me when I text him and he doesn't write back. I don't get it. Last time I sent him a message with anything similar he got mad at me. So I admit I'm a little worried.

The rest (which isn't much)
I have a new friend. She's an american girl from New York and we went to Florence together last weekend. It was a weird day... very very weird. But I think I'll hold that story off for another day.

I have also received a few emails from the blogsphere that I have been terrible at answering, I promise as soon as I have an evening I'll sit down and answer those!! I feel terrible for procrastinating on those :( But as we all know around here, life gets in the way ;)

Work, Taxes and the Boys of course.

I'm typing with a bandaid on a finger.... I just managed to slice my baby finger open.

Things have been UBER stressful and crazy the past week. Apart from the stress of breaking up, getting back together and trying to find apartments the week before last, this week has been exceptionally insane.

School started... I teach, so all of my evening classes started this week. On top of that the school has decided to integrate a new component into some of the regular courses making it very difficult for us teachers to manoever. In fact I think the school got ripped off. The "online" program they've decided to integrate sucks ass. The people who are running it are totally disorganized and well... I've been having to deal with all this at work considering I'm supposed to teach the students how to use the bloody thing.

Not only that but I've had semi personal problems with one of my teacher colleagues. I've been told by a friend that she is not doing her job the way she should. I've been stressing about how to tell this colleague to change the way she's doing things.

Then there's the Taxes. I got an email from back home saying that I owe 6000 dollars in taxes. The company who is dealing with some stuff back home scared the shit out of me saying that they could go out of business for errors like this. So I had to get on the computer to send them the money. For bureaucratic and technological problems it was really really complicated. Between having to raise the limit on my account for transfers, to banks being closed eastern time, to getting the wrong message on the internet banking site... I ended up sending the money twice... ARG... I was dealing with this while having an already stressful day between midnight and 2am because of the time difference. Joy...

On the positive side of things, strangely I'm in a relatively good mood.

ROB
I sent Rob a text yesterday asking him to cheer me up, because I was having a bad day. And he wrote back saying "I remember the groan you made when I kissed your neck before you undid my jeans to suck my cock".

That made my heart stop and yes I smiled, and I blushed even. I told him all of this and he simply wrote back: "Love you"

To which I responded "love you too"

Co-Worker
Yesterday I had the opportunity, for the first time in ages, to have lunch with Co-worker. It was mostly awkward.... neither of us knew what to say to each other most of the time.
There was one thing though that happened that probably should have been my cue to say something, but I missed out, I didn't take it. He pointed to a painting on the wall where we were eating and just started counting down from three. I  immediately answered a name. And to explain briefly, the painting was an image from our trip to greece and I had three seconds to recognize it. We both think about greece on a pretty constant basis I think... considering the other day he mentioned a beach, and then yesterday the painting.

There was so much I'd have wanted to say. And I contemplate sending him a text just about every day, but then I never do.

Perspectives

I have been actively looking for apartments in the past week. I've been to see a total of three. Two were really nice, but for different reasons neither would work. Also I think I have to reduce my original budget from 600 a month to 550 or 500.

Other than that there hasn't been much progress. I told two sets of friends of ours what was going on. I think that it helps a bit. When I told bf that I had told them, he wasn't terribly enthusiastic. But I think it's just a matter of him getting used to things.

At this point bf has been leechy caressing me and my face constantly whenever he's close to me. He's gotten a bit sappy, but I know that he's a bit too sweet at times.... I should appreciate it, but it's just not my style.

ROB
I heard from Rob a little: a brief meeting on line last week, where we talked about the "break up". Today he texted me asking me how I was and I told him that the break-up didn't go through completely but that I was moving out. He was obviously confused and it was difficult to explain through text messages. He told me to let him know when I wanted to talk about it and this afternoon we both managed to get on line.
It was a nice chat, he was in a really good mood, and he poked a little fun at me for not pulling the break-up off. But in the end he was sympathetic and understanding. It was really nice to talk and see him as usual. He texted me after saying that he wants to fuck me. I joked around saying it was because I'm not single, and he said it was because "you're you".

I had in the past week been backing off both him and Co-worker. Just to see their reactions. I have also been self absorbed recently and haven't had time really for either of them.

Co-Worker
Co-worker today was looking for attention. At one point he surprised me by saying the name of a greek beach that we visited together. One of the most beautiful places I've seen. And all these images and feelings came flowing back for a brief moment.

How am I feeling?
I'm still confused. I need to get out to get perspective.

Decisions...

This is in part an answer to all of you who have commented as well as personal observations and thoughts on the situation.

I never follow my heart. My heart is often too passionate and impulsive. I also never follow my head, because my head rationalizes too much and often I get mislead.
I try to follow my gut. My gut instinct is what has always brought me to the right decisions, and it is something I've come to realize through many "wrong" decisions over the years and kicking myself for not having followed my gut sense.

I came to the decision (before reading your comments) that the best solution is that of moving out and keeping things on with bf. We both need the distance to understand where we are in life and what we need. It is a place that he will grow in, and where I will understand what I want.

As I read your comments on my last post I realized that you were mostly confirming what I already knew. Space and distance are important in this case.

There are things that I've come to realize that are more important to me than I thought.
The artistic side of things... for example. The space to create at any hour any time of day without having someone around is important for me. I can't create with someone around. It's impossible.

My best friend today said that if I want to move out, I'll need to concentrate the "new conversation" on the positive aspects of growth from a distance, to encourage him as best I can, (because I haven't done enough of that over the past few days) and to tell him how much I appreciate his efforts. Because otherwise he will easily fall into what could be called a depression or a laziness of sorts. But if I honestly want things to change I need to give him that input.

I am feeling better. I feel like I've reached an excellent compromise to the situation. I feel comfortable with the decision. It's the only decision I wasn't despairing over. That's how I came to this conclusion. At the thought of both of the other options I was in dire pain. So breaking it off completely or staying were both out of the question.

I bawled my eyes out this morning, hyperventilated and then went to work. By the time I came home my neighbour was here (the one I'd mentioned the eminent break up to just before it happened).

And while talking to him my inkling of thought grew into a formed decision which was reinforced at ever turn, between talking to my best friend, reading the comments on the blog and talking briefly to my father not 5 minutes ago.

I have yet to break the news to Bf... I fear it will be another painful step. I fear he will not take it as well as I feel it should go. I hope that by keeping a positive attitude he will follow. I have been warned, my neighbour (and Advizor for that matter) mentioned that he is from a part of the world where certain "ideas" and customs are ingrained into the people. He may not understand, or fathom the situation of living separately. But I/he will have to work on that.

Finding an apartment is the next step. I have seen one that is interesting and will be seeing another tomorrow. The one tomorrow sounds very interesting. I hope that it is.

confused

This is a very difficult post for me. I am extremely confused (and that is an understatement), although I admit that my ideas may be getting clearer as I speak with friends and family.

Up until today things had gone relatively smoothly with very little "opposition" on Bf's part.

Today though, when I woke up this morning, he asked me if I'd be around in the afternoon so that we could talk. We weren't sure it was going to pan out seeing as we both had things to do, but we aimed for the afternoon.

When I got home from work in the late morning he was having a cigarette, he has been smoking a little, in front of me since the "conversation".

We sat down and he started to talk.
He explained that he hasn't been eating, that he doesn't think he can live without me, that he has understood more in the past 3 days than he has understood in last 14 years....

-He understands now that he has denied me the basic foundations of a relationship: communication and expressing one's love for another.

-He understands that he wasted time on so many useless things when he could have been making concrete steps towards a future together.

-He understands that he concentrated on the wrong things and put too much energy into the wrong things.

-He understands my perspective now.

(consider as well, that I said nothing of these things during the conversation, he came up with them on his own)

He cried as he explained this. It was the first time in 14 years I've actually seen him cry... and really cry.
He said that he wants to get involved in my artwork more (it is something that generally is heavy work and needs manual labour to make it possible). He wants to take courses (in this artform) so that in a future we could open a studio someplace like back in North America or another country.
He mentioned getting married next summer.

I didn't give him an answer. I cried though, I hugged him, and I told him that I needed time to think about things.

_________

This is what I was expecting 10 years ago... I was expecting him to open up, propose to me and become even minimally interested in what I do. It never came. I'm getting it now that I'm trying to break up with him.

*My sister suggested I keep an open mind. People change...
They do, I've seen it. Especially if there is a catalyst, and this is definitely a catalyst. In other words, she thinks I should give him another chance.

*My best friend says that he shouldn't be changing out of fear for losing me. She's not sure that he will change as much as I need him to and in what amount of time.
In other words, not close the door on him completely but see if he changes even after I've moved out. (which in my opinion may be difficult seeing as I won't be witnessing the changes if I'm not present).

*My view (which isn't concrete, mostly questions): I need to figure out whether I want to be in the relationship even if he does give me everything I've always asked for and wanted.
After 13 years of not (or very rarely) hearing someone say (or saying yourself) "I love you", it's difficult to know what you feel, because you've never expressed it. So even if he does start, will I feel comfortable saying "I love you" back? Do I love him? ... so much time has passed since I fell in love that I don't actually know what I feel. I think (but don't actually know) that if a couple uses the phrase from the start, the feeling is amplified or at least reinstated every time it is said.

His offer is tempting... very tempting. I'd love to give in to a safe and comfortable future with him. But there are so many uncertainties on either side of the decision I don't know what to think.

I need to talk to my father, see what he says. He gives good advice that has generally always been beneficial. But I basically already know where he stands.

Maybe I need to ask Bf what HE wants out of his life. I don't think that following me in my art endeavors is his ultimate life choice. What if I choose to move into my own apartment, and he goes and does courses in the art that I practice? What if I then decide not to "get back together"?  I'd have wasted another chunk of his life.... Should I even be contemplating the complications that could arise?

To be honest, I don't want to cut him off completely, I wanted the separation to be gradual, leaving the door open to changes. I can't deny that I care for him... that's the problem.

Things are just so weird. I don't know what to think. Bf has been really nice and considerate, he's even suggested various things for my future, and every time he does I just want to cry.

The one thing that really surprised me today was that he took the first step in telling a friend of ours.

This, to me, means that he's accepting the situation to an extent. I know, because he told me today, that he still hopes things will work out between us in the future but at least he's not fighting it.

I'm scared, really scared, and I burst into tears at the thought of being alone. I am afraid of the void, I'm afraid of my future.
Everyone I've talked to about this has asked me what my plans are... I have no idea, I can't answer that now. I honestly don't want to hear the question again, but I know people will keep asking me.

I'm sad. It hurts like hell even if it's what I want.

How it went....

I have been in tears most of the day since lunch.
The conversation was painful. I knew it would be, but I was hoping he'd be cold and just accept the facts. It wasn't that simple.

First he tried to convince me to stay, asking me questions about why I would put 14 years on the line and why I wanted to leave. He can't understand. He will never understand. He asked me if he had asked me to marry him 4 years ago if I'd have accepted. He asked me if we got married now if it would make a difference.

He didn't get angry, ever. He says he understands, but then hints of frustration and anger shine through his otherwise perfect behavior, saying that I am selfish for not thinking of him.

I feel selfish. I feel terrible. He cried during a hug, but it was a glimpse of red and wet tears... a single tear perhaps was shed. I feel sorry that he can't express his pain better. Because I'm sure he is in pain.

Once he understood that I wasn't going to change my mind he said, "Ok, so how do we do this? We have so much stuff...".

I've moved into the guest room... He was going to, but I need it for my private lessons. So I've moved in here.

He is practical, but I also think that he is hoping I will change my mind. We organized (he suggested) to pay rent together until March, and whoever finds the apartment first will move first. If not we will both move out at the same time in March.

Other than the conversation, the tears and my move into the guest room, he has been acting normally. We have been talking about normal things. And it seems like nothing happened....

The whole situation is strange. Now, I just need to find the apartment.

I have to get an MRI done on my foot, I have to go see an orthopedic doctor on Friday. I may have a fibroma in my foot... I'm not sure what that means. But I guess I'll find out.

Done

I had the conversation. Now the next step.

Strong

I have been calm, with moments of despair, but this evening or tomorrow the conversation will take place. I am hoping for tonight as I want to get it over with.
I still don't know what I will say or how I will say it. I have never had an experience like this with the language, I do not know what is tactful. I trust that my English reasoning will work though.

I feel sad, I feel ok about it, I am scared shitless, but I will go through with it.

I have realized another thing, another reason to leave. Within this relationship I have lost my strength. He makes me weak. When we travel it is the opposite, I am strong and he is weak because of the language and my experience as a traveller.
I want to be strong again.

I have been insatiable these days, getting myself off three four times a day. I'm guessing it's the stress. I wish Rob were around, sometimes I get to thinking he is the only one who can... fill the need.

Change of email

Hello all,

Just letting you all know I've changed my email. You will find it on my profile page by clicking the email button.

Theories

I caught my neighbor on skype today, the one that surprised me with that sentence while my sister was here. I asked him why he said "when cande leaves you..." instead of "if". We ended up chatting on skype a minute but then I realized it would be better to talk in person so I went up to his apartment and we talked.

His basic answer was that he sensed something was up, he sensed it around the time I went to greece. We talked openly about relationships and he has a few interesting theories.
One is that the body protests with illness when we don't do what we really want. And he has been dropping hints since I've met him that all my health problems are due to my inability to "grow" or move forward.

He formed two circles with his fingers and demonstrated two entities, moving together, moving forward, until one feels that it should move faster and the other circle gets left behind. The two circles are somewhat flexible, as if they have an elastic between them, but eventually if the lagging circle can't move forward, then the other ends up getting caught and stagnating.
It's exactly how I've been feeling.

He sees me as inhibited. He didn't say it clear and simple but he let on that he thinks I need to move on.
I told him that changes were coming and without saying it up front, I let on that I would leave bf.

I spent an hour there and I gained further confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

He even told me the exact moment he felt that something was up... right around the trip to Corfu. So I explained the corfu mess and, things started to tumble out, I told him how things went, almost completely honestly, telling him that nothing had happened. But I did explain what Co-worker told me at the airport.... that he was in love with his girlfriend that he didn't want anything to happen, but that if something did happen we're both adults and we're capable of dealing with it".
Guess what my neighbour said?.... he said that it was a "diplomatic/tactful" way of saying that he liked me! hah.... I guess that's the Italian male mentality for you... I would never have caught on. And I told my neighbour that. I told him that I'd interpreted it as more of a "don't jump on me I don't want anything to happen" type statement.

In any case he assured me that he'd keep his mouth shut... he may not. I don't really care, things are moving quickly for me, and my mind is made up at this point. One more person knows... and it's just my way of making things more solid. He said that if I needed anything to let him know. I now have one person I can lean on HERE.... I needed that.

I Hobbled back down the stairs and burst into tears when I closed the door behind me.

I was at the hospital waiting for my CAT scan results as I was writing this, I'm now at home. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet about the diagnosis, I won't be able to talk to her until Monday or Tuesday, but it seems that there is a fibroma in my foot. I don't know if that's what's causing me the apin, but we'll see. Today the pain is almost gone. It disappeared as quickly as it came. I unfortunately got the CAT scan done when my foot wasn't swollen or inflamed so now I have to figure out what the cause was.

What's important is that the pain is almost gone.

Sweet nap

I woke up this morning late, I managed to sleep in a little today, since I'm trying to rest my foot I haven't been going in to work as much as I normally do.
I was half sleeping, dreaming of Rob, I'd been thinking of him before going to sleep last night and woke up thinking about him. I was wet and all I wanted was for him to be there to watch me get off, maybe whisper something naughty into my headphones.
I texted Rob saying that I wanted help, I knew he was working though.
This afternoon I knew he was off work and decided to indulge myself in a little afternoon nap. I escaped the busy living room with family and I hid in the bedroom, stripped myself of my gym shorts, and my bra, and slid under the covers in just black panties and a white tank. I texted him that I was on and I waited. I knew it was unlikely that he'd join me, but I waited for an hour, teasing myself to pass the time, but eventually I couldn't resist.

Thoughts of him taking me from behind, head down on the bed, my wrists gripped firmly by his strong hands at my hips, making me utterly helpless, a feeling I love when I'm being fucked.
I imagined it slower than it actually went while in Nottingham. I imagined him slowly sliding in and back out, teasing me, not wanting to let me have his whole length. I would have to beg for it....
I came, needless to say... and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up the images were still in my mind. I wanted more, I was still dripping, so I turned to my phone. I pulled up some video on Youporn, something with a college girl blowing a college guy. The video was funny to begin with, it had humor to it. I giggled, then the fucking started, and she went down on him... his hands forcing her head down his shaft. Then him fucking her mouth, upside-down on the bed... I came again.

Doctors

I wish I could let out one of those blood curdling cries of frustration. I went to hospital this morning for my foot, yeah I still can't walk, and the doctor was pissed off because of another patient and he went and took it out on me and my foot. Not only did I have to deal with him, but also a disgruntled nurse who basically told me I was lying when I told her that people generally accepted my care card even if it needed renewing (my wallet had been stollen and the new one got lost).

Pricks... I sometimes wish I were in my native country, people jut try to act nicer in general.

The gaping hole in my chest slips between his fingers as my heart gushes with smoldering fantasies. My mind full of thoughts crowded, one on top of the other, silent to the outside world, heard only by me and that gushing hole left in my chest.
The air between us stings, sour with intentions, and meant to be's. I can almost taste his need for me, fleeting yet constant, like silk gliding over skin.
Trying to grip the substances, they elude him as he gropes for something he can't see.

Strange event, tears and Rob.

Strange event I just remembered:

So while my sister was visiting we went up to see my neighbour's apartment. He's OCD and has this amazing apartment that looks like it's out of an architects digest. It's very spartan. This is not the point.

While we were there we were sitting up in his attic chatting, he, my sis, bf and I. And he turns to Bf and says "when Cande leaves you,  you can come live here."
I laughed immediately... everyone did, but I stopped him and said "Hey! you said when, not if?"
And he just nodded and said "yeah, WHEN, not IF"

.... I mean what's up with that?!?

I haven't told anyone here about any of this. He shouldn't know. Maybe he just senses it.

Or maybe bf and he have talked.

__________________________________________________________

DAD
I talked to my dad today. I cried. I think it's because telling people that I'm going separate makes it more real, and it gives me the sensation that I can't go back on my words. I've told them that I want out and now if I don't get out they'll ask questions and I don't have answers to those questions.

This is the first time I've told anyone about breaking up, apart from the blog of course. Only one person is sad about it, the others are happy for me and think it's the right thing. My sister is the only one who expressed doubts. She likes bf. But to tell the truth if she knew what he thinks of her, she wouldn't like him as much.

ROB
I talked to Rob briefly yesterday. It was super short... ok... maybe not THAT short. It was a 30 minute call.
We just chatted about the break up, and my foot and lanolin.... yeah I was working with sheep's wool yesterday. Anyhow it was nice. When I don't see him for a long time, it's so nice to see and hear him. He was looking damn good too.
There are things I'm curious of. Things I wonder about him and his relationship. He rarely talks about it, unless I ask specific questions. I may have asked him before if he feels like he's in love with his gf. But I still wonder what level he is at with her.
I think he has kept on with me because I'm so different from his gf. Perhaps the artistic side of things, perhaps the fact that I validate or inspire his creative side at times.

He called me brave. Which I found sweet and made me emotional, but I didn't let on.

Nothing really sexual was exchanged, there was no time for it. Nonetheless yesterday, after that, I was horny as hell and got myself off three times.

Apartment

I was busy getting things ready for bf's mum and sister this morning, rolling around on my wheelie chair to keep off my swollen foot, when I decided to text my friend about her apartment to see if it was still free.

It's strange how we (or maybe just I) tend to picture things for the future. I was so sure about that apartment that I was already picturing myself in it working, making art, being up late on projects.

She's rented it.

Just another complication in a sea of difficulties.

Now I have to figure out how to search for an apartment (in a very small town) without bf finding out for the time being...

My morale is a bit down now. I was banking on that so much, I was sure it would be free. She said it would be free until Christmas.  *insert pouty face here*

I talked to my best friend yesterday who brought up different aspects of breaking up with bf, things to expect and things to think about. I was sort of feeling cold and distant from the problem to the point that I just wanted to get it over with, but now, when she tells me she just wants to hug me, I get tears in my eyes. I want to keep my distance. I don't want to feel emotional about this. I want to be able to be cool and calm and emotionally detached when I explain things to him, but at this rate, I won't be.

My best friend offered for me to stay in Canada where she is, take a 6 month sabbatical and just do art. It's so tempting.... The art community where she is is extremely supportive. I witnessed that when I went to visit her.

I could totally see myself living there and teaching art in one of the schools, teaching what I teach here even to adults. I could start importing materials. I'd miss the sea, the long summers, and I'd hate the long cold winters. It snows a lot there.

When I think about all that I want to cry. Tears well up and I wish I had her closer.

Enough of that....

I need to concentrate on now.

Boys boys boys

What can I say has been going on... what interesting things?

Well, last week as I was having lunch alone, the travel agent got in touch with me. We got to talking about life in general, (his father recently passed away) but in reality he just wanted to talk dirty I think. We got to talking about latex somehow. And he ended up sending me the link to a video of three women in latex. I admit, I'd never wear latex. I think it would probably look terrible. But the idea turns me on... probably the fact that it's tight and shiny... and well... slutty...

Anyhow he ended up sending me a pic of his cock. That's how the conversation ended because then I had to go to work. Needless to say I was horny for the whole day.

Work with co-worker has been relatively normal. There's been less flirting than before Greece, I often get the feeling he's avoiding me. But then sometimes he'll just come right up to me and do something that he used to do a lot. Like stare me down as we walk past each other - eyes wide open like a zombie. Today he sat down next to me... really close, for no reason. He didn't even say anything to me. He doesn't touch me in the least bit as much as he used to. Every excuse was a good one, when we were walking past each other, no matter what, we'd touch, put a hand on an arm on the back, on the waist... now, that's gone. I miss that.

I have been wanting to tell him that he tempts me. I was almost going to send him a text today, but then didn't. Maybe next week. I've been fantasizing about sending him emails and texts telling him that I think about greece. Explaining what happened, why I was so distant. I feel like I need to explain things to him. But I don't want to ruin things for him, where he is now is a good place.  I don't want to get in the way.

I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss him, I miss him a lot... and he hasn't written me in so long I'm starting to worry. I need to lay off and see if he gets in touch with me at this point.

Answers to comments

Wow, I'm kinda surprised all of this has created so much attention. I rarely get more than a comment on my posts unless it's HNT.

One answer at a time.

Johanna:
You and I are very similar in the head. We think in the same way and I basically agree with your whole comment. As for your  questions about where home is and how I feel about it, it's all very complicated and I myself don't really know. I would like to stay here for a while longer. I feel quite at home in this town and I have a support group of friends which is excellent. I love my friends here. Sure, they are friends with bf as well, but that shouldn't be a problem if I do things right with the "separation". I do, though, think that eventually this is not the place for me. I think that moving to another country might make more sense for me. Italy is a pretty stagnant country and I want to get out before it's too late.

Cheshire:
I can't afford to stay in a hotel really, they are extremely expensive here. Remember that I'm not in an abusive relationship, I just don't feel happy enough in it. I don't feel the need to "run away". But I do realize that the sooner the better. I don't feel comfortable breeching the subject with bf while his family is here. I'd rather do it when we're on our own and can really talk without worrying about other people around.

Eden:
I beg to differ. I don't think that I'll stay. I think, and hope that I'll find the strength to leave. I am used to him being around, I have figured out how to balance things, online play has greatly reduced in the past two years, even with Rob. And it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be. Admittedly though if I were free... I'd have many more opportunities to travel, meet people and perhaps explore more sexually.

Michael:
Thanks, I would tend to agree with you, I do realise though that Cheshire and Eden both have very valid points.  I will try to take your advice.

Advizor:
I hate it when Blogger does that!!
I will also take your advice. Being a gimp doesn't mean that I can't get things done. I will try to find out whether the apartment is still free. I'll try working out the logistics of moving. I don't have my own car so it will be complicated unless bf offers to lend me the car for the move. I don't want to ruin a friendship with bf, I do like him as a person. I'd rather though, not live with him. I need more space.


EVERYONE:
I am pretty confident that I will manage the break... but I will never promise anyone that I will leave him. I want to approach bf with it and see what happens from there. As my sister told me, even if he tries to convince me to stay, it's probably for the best that I let him go so that we can both benefit. But I'm not pretending to know my future, I'm not going to try to convince anyone that I'm actually going to manage in my endeavors. I'm just going to try my best and see how things go. I've never ever been totally sure of what to do. At the moment though, I feel more determined than ever, and therefore I feel comfortable saying that this is what I want. But that doesn't mean that I'll manage.

It's hard to make the jump from what I'd call an average relationship (because that's what I think it is) to the unknown. I sometimes wonder if my expectations in relationships are too high. My mother died a lonely woman, and I'd rather not end up in that situation. On the other hand, artists (as I sometimes manage to consider myself) are a bit moody and difficult and we need our spaces. So..... give me two weeks... not next week, the week after that is my free week. If by the 17th I haven't had the break-up conversation, then you can all judge the situation and drop the blog call me a coward or whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you that you are right and that I've failed. I will also not talk about leaving bf on the blog, but I will make honest efforts to be happy in the relationship. 

Dear readers and commenters:

Ahh how I love my readers (and commenters). I feel your frustration... actually I probably feel it more than you all do. But in all honesty I can't just pack up and leave without explanation after 14 years of what especially he (but also I) considers to be an important relationship.

I am in a tight spot too, I've strained my foot to the point that I can't walk. I'll be in this state for at least a week, probably more. And next week bf's mother and sister are coming because they've found a nodule in his mother's glands.

I understand that I need to get out. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the right choice. But to be honest I still need to figure out WHERE I'm going to go. I technically have a friend whose house has been empty for a while and I could offer her part of the rent to stay there until they can switch the rental lease over to me. But I don't actually know if the house is still available I have to check with her.

It's not as easy as many of you make it out to be. The logistics are not simple here.

Week after next I am mostly free of work and anything else, Bf's mother will be gone too so that is what I am aiming for.

I will be updating as per usual about whatever crosses my mind.... mostly boys. Just hang in there.

How To?

So right... um I'm in one of those states where nothing makes sense and I want to fix everything and make things better.

I think I may have to go see that counsellor. I want to end things with bf but I don't want to just sit down at dinner one evening and say "honey, I'm leaving you".

I need to figure out the right way to do it.

I do have that urge sometimes though... I just want to get it over with.... do it and cut it all short.... But then other times I know that he has feelings and would be devastated by the news. So I need to figure out the right way to do this. The language is also a problem. In that it's easy for me to forget about tact, my feelings are not appropriately attached to this language sometimes.

When I said that co-worker thinks I should leave the country it's not really like he wants me to leave, but he gets the feeling that I'm not settled and that I'd have better opportunities elsewhere.... which is probably true. He also says that he's getting the feeling that I won't be staying on at work for much longer.... I don't know if that's wishful thinking or what.

Men are confusing.

I'm really confused. Men just don't make sense to me sometimes... Scratch that... Most of the time.
I had the best opportunity today to have lunch with co-worker and talk to him about stuff and he copped out. It kinda pissed me off, partially because I was in a pissy mood anyhow and partially because there's just so much I feel the need to clarify with him and never find the opportunity.
On the up side he did say a few things that hinted at more depth today. Most of which was centered on the fact that he doesn't think I should stay here, in this country. I'm not quite sure what he was really trying to get at. Half the time he asks me questions that I answer without really knowing what the hell he's talking about and then I kick myself for not asking him to clarify. Sometimes I feel like telling him to talk to me straight, but I never do.

He's moved into a new house with his gf. I don't know what to think about that.

On the other hand I saw Blackbeard today and slyly managed to get both his private and work email. I think he was a little surprised since he hesitated and then outright asked me if it was for work. I'll never use it, I did send him some work info this eve but haven't heard back yet.

As for Rob, I have heard very little from him. I've been dreaming about him and wanting him a lot these days. I miss him terribly. I ache for his contact, it's quite literally painful at times.

So much

I've been wanting to get back to this blog for so long I don't even know where to start....

After getting back from the North America tour I worked intensely (without co-worker) for a week and then my sister came to visit for a whole week. Next week I will be working intensely again with co-worker...

I've had a great time with my sis, but I have also been aching for some contact from Rob. I have gotten back in touch with a my best friend from home and this time round we've been talking intensely about sex and online lovers. And she has recently started her own online affair of sorts and therefore we've been talking a lot about our sex lives in general. She even asked me specific questions about communication styles between Rob and I, so I ended up re-reading texts and emails and Skype conversations. I went over the stuff from London and with all that, I admit I was feeling a little high.

It's such a relief to have someone that I can actually talk to about this. It's been so long that I've actually had a physical person other than Rob to talk to about all of this.

Problem is that since I've been talking about it all for the past few days... well week I guess, I feel totally ready for some action... and it's just frustrating because there is none! Not from ANY angle... whether bf or Rob or Co-worker... so yeah, I'm a little horny to say the least.

On a completely separate note.....I am very very sad to say that it seems that Johanna has decided to leave us. I tried so very hard to convince her to stay. But she says her blog may have reached a natural conclusion... I am still hoping she doesn't leave completely.

It's so sad when I see the birth and death of blogs... I get attached to them, the people who write them and then I have to learn to let go.

I'm looking forward to Monday with co-worker.... hopefully I'll get to see him. They're doing construction at our workplace so we're working between two studios and  yeah it's going to be kinda hectic, we might end up working in separate places. grr... that would suck.

Blackbeard's story

I am, to put it lightly, exhausted. As soon as I got back from the great NA trip I started work. The day after I had lessons, the day after that I went in to work, and after the weekend I started working full time (I normally work part time) plus lessons after work.

I have not had time to do anything except pass out at 9:30 in the evening if I make it that late, since I'm jet lagged, and wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am, again due to jet lag.

There are two positive things that I get out of all of this. My work studio has moved temporarily to a location right in town which is closer to home, therefore a shorter bike ride to work in the morning (not that it was that long to begin with). And secondly I get to see someone that I've mentioned a few times in the past relatively often now. He is a guy who works in the same field as me and is super cute. He is married with one kid, and I just found out he has another on the way.

I mentioned him a while back because I would ride past him on my way to work on occasion and never recognize him, he always recognizes me since he is always changing his facial hair.

So anyhow, this guy, who we might as well name (although I'm sure I'll forget what I named him and I'll end up renaming him something completely different down the line) let's call him, Blackbeard, works near where my temporary studio is. And I've seen him and talked to him a couple times this week already. It's kinda since every time I see him he says hi. But he also has this habit of actually stopping to talk. So as I was coming back from the supermarket after lunch yesterday since I had a craving for Lindt 85% chocolate, and as I walked towards him I held the package out (with my mouth full) offering him some. He gladly took some (lots) approving greatly of my choice and asked if I wanted some rum.... ok so it was afternoon, but just barely, and the work day wasn't over yet. I kindly refused, but asked why he'd offered, and apparently rum and chocolate go well together.

After all of this, I must say that I get tongue tied in front of cute guys, I really can't function properly. And I ended up saying "I'll have to find that" rather than "I'll have to try that".... poor me. I wish I could be cool and calm and exude sexiness and confidence... but that's not the case.

That's the end of a pretty useless story.... I know. It's kinda boring. But I do have this to say in my defence: this is my blog and I can write what I want.... ok no, what I'd really like to say is that I wonder if he will become a more prominent figure in my daily life. I guess I'm hoping he will.

Dreams and reason(ing)

So I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest sexual dream I've had in a while. Keep in mind that I'm still jet lagged and therefore have these sort of waking dreams that turn into full dreams and then mutuate because I'm half awake again.

I was very turned on before going to bed and was hoping to sex bf up that eve but he fell asleep before I could get to him. But in the wee hours of the morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I started circling my clit. I got this mental image of my clit getting erect and from there it grew into an almost full sized cock... ok to be honest it wasn't full sized, but it was long enough that I could actually hold it in my hand.

I have always wanted to know what it feels like to have a cock. And I think I know now. It was kinda cool. I think I have penis envy a bit... I don't have a brother, but my best friends as a child were always boys and I think I must still have some of that left.

I had some pretty passionate sex the next morning too, it was good of course, it always is when I start it... I feel horrible saying that, but bf just doesn't do foreplay very well. The rest works just fine.

I have however, come to the conclusion that I will be leaving him. I just have to do it. I've talked to way too many people who have talked me into it. And I've heard the same advice so many times now.... but one thing that stood out was this: "If you don't see things getting better in the future, get out now on your own terms, don't wait longer than you have to, it'll be better for you and him. The faster you move on, the faster he can move on and the better it will be for the both of you".

I know. I'm sure I've heard this before, I'm sure someone here has told me this or something along these lines, but this time it hit a chord.

I have a terrible schedule in the next few weeks. My sister is coming to visit next week while I have a week off work and the week after that I'll be working full time again. I'm not sure when I'll manage a break up and move, but I'll have to. I really feel like it's time to move on.

I've been getting back in touch with my best friend back home recently and she has started a sort of illicit correspondence with one of our huge high school crushes that we both had sex with before she got married and I moved out here. She has been sending me copies of both of their emails and I find it fascinating.

The thing that struck me the most was the fact that both he and she call their partners the sun and moon in their lives. I honestly don't feel that way about bf. And I wish I could. I honestly don't think that I love him as much as he deserves to be loved. And if I think about it enough, I may even feel a bit guilty about staying on so long.


On a completely different note, I'm liking the new interface for Blogger, have you guys tried it out yet?
It's something like what Wordpress has got. It does seem a little easier to get around and generally see everything.

Back to work

On my last few nights in the States, while in bed and dozing, my mind would wander to co-worker and of course Rob. The whole situation seems strange to me now because the focus of this blog has been on Rob for so long that I've almost created a double personality in him... I mean it's like he's actually rob and his real self at the same time... does that make sense?

Anyhow I digress... I wanted to say that my thoughts tend more towards co-worker these days than Rob. I think it must be because Rob is sort of there... I know he's there and he won't go anywhere. I've finally understood that and I don't worry anymore about where we stand. I love this new level. It's reassuring and safe and sexy because I can still have my fun with him, he knows exactly what I like what I want and he gives it to me wholeheartedly.

On the other hand though he occupies less of my thoughts.

I was almost worried about going back to work, worried about seeing co-worker, excited I guess too. I missed him. He sent me one or perhaps even two texts throughout the whole trip. The last one said something to the effect of "how's it going? take your time to think. There's no rush"....And I still have no idea what it means. I must have mentioned to him that this trip was sort of a pivotal point for me, that it would be a decision breaker of sorts. But I don't remember telling him. Things get to be such a blur after a while with all this stuff going on. I wonder if I wrote about it in one of my posts about the trip to Greece.

Anyhow yeah, I went in to work Friday and had butterflies every time he came near me. It was frustrating because often I couldn't really function in that state. I would crack stupid jokes and I felt stupider. I have to keep my head on.

We got a chance to talk after work for 5 minutes, I wanted to go to lunch with him, but it wasn't possible. He is leaving for a holiday next week and the week after, so it'll be another 2 weeks before I get to see him... There are just so many things I want to talk to him about. Sooo many. It's frustrating with all this technology around that I don't feel comfortable contacting him on an email. I'm worried his gf will see it.

sex on the trip.... or lack thereof.

Ahhh the trip.... back to the trip.

So we had a lot of good times together on the trip. It wasn't all pain and arguing. It was pleasant a lot of the time.

We did have some difficulties around sex, there wasn't a lot of it. And there are various reasons why:

We had sex in NY when we first arrived, a beautiful hotel room helped a lot I think. Then we had the dreaded argument and we stopped.

Then we were in Toronto sleeping in my cousin's living room and there was no personal space what-so-ever. So that was that.... 5 more days.

Then I got my period and well, he doesn't want to have sex with me while I'm on my period so blah... that went on waaaay too long probably 2 weeks. Travelling will do that to me.

Then when we finally had enough privacy to have more sex and I was off my period, we had another MASSIVE argument and I was in tears for a day and a half, partly due to the argument, partly due to the stress of going back to my home town where I grew up and where my mother died (and I hadn't been back there since she passed away 6 years ago), not to mention having seen and spent time with all my best friends and having to say goodbye to them.

Sooo Then we went to Vegas and had more sex there, and then I was back on my period and that was the end of the trip so to speak.

On our last night in the States, bf and I had been to a friend's birthday party, we both drank and smoked a little weed. We had a pretty good time, although we'd been arguing a fair amount during those days. When we got back to the apartment though he said that he needed to go to the washroom, and he went in with the computer as he sometimes does. After a good while... I was packing and wanted to show him something, so I went towards the bathroom calling out to him asking if he was alive, as a joke. He kept answering yes, but I guess he didn't expect me to just open the door. He stood up from the toilet, and looked at me and said "are you crazy??" and I said, "Oh! did I startle you?" and he said "yeah", as he started to sit down again, and as I was closing the door (because I didn't get it too far open in the first place), I noticed he was hard! AHHHH indeed, he was jerking off in the bathroom.

So I just continued to close the door, pretended not to see anything and went on with my business. He may have noticed that I saw, or not.... who knows. But it was definitely a first. I had no idea that he jerks off in the bathroom, or maybe it's a new thing, since he got a laptop. I also kinda felt sorry for him... It's also the kind of information I didn't want to know. I could use it against him in arguments now and I'm worried I'm going to say something if I get really angry at some point.

I walked in on another bf years ago who was jerking off and I got totally upset, and couldn't understand why he didn't just come to me for sex. But this time I'm half glad to have found out that he gets himself off when he needs to.... I just wonder what kind of porn he watches. The "history" is set to not remember anything on that little pc that we take travelling with us. So I can't even go see.

There are times when I honestly think that bf might be bi or at least interested in men. I can't put my finger on it, but there are little things that make me think this on occasion.

North America trip

Hey everyone in blogger land!!

I'm back from my 7 weeks in North America!

It was crazy. In every respect, and I apologize for not writing. It was a busy trip.

We did a sweeping tour of the States and Canada. I went home to visit some remaining family and I went to visit many friends.

Bf and I didn't get along all the time. We had quite a few terrible arguments. I thought this trip would help me understand the relationship but so far I'm feeling the same as when I left. I hope that things will get clearer as I try to work through my feelings on the blog. I do feel a little more objective though and here is what I've understood:

I have understood that the massive arguments come under stress and fatigue. I understand that they accumulate when we can't talk about them or don't. While we were travelling we were with people almost 100% of the time so it was difficult to argue or to work out minor problems.

But the big arguments are horrible and I'm not sure it's worth staying with someone when we are so incompatible in terms of communication. During those arguments I threaten to leave him sometimes or vice versa he threatens to leave me, but I really do wish at those times that I could leave him at those times.
When we are on better terms, I feel like he is important to me, that he is an attractive man, but I am not attracted to him anymore.

The sex that we have is always good (I always reach orgasm), but I am not into it. His seduction techniques haven't changed in over a decade and are just not working on me anymore. Although his foreplay and sex style have changed a little and that is a good thing. He knows exactly what I like. We are in tune in terms of sex.

My friends and family tried their best to make him feel comfortable and at ease, they were constantly looking for things that he would enjoy doing. He didn't understand that most of the time. He didn't see it. When he did notice it was only in circumstances where the people were physically doing things for him, like laundry, driving, physically taking him places etc... He didn't notice if they were trying to cater to his restaurant tastes, or trying to understand what kinds of activities he was interested in, or what he might have liked to see on his holiday.

The trip was catered to him. I did very little of what I really wanted. I saw the MOMA in NY and that's about it. I dragged him to various museums that I thought HE might be interested in like the natural history museum in NY and my home town, the Exploratorium in Sand Fran and other such things. He did enjoy them, but he automatically thought that I wanted to see them, but he didn't understand until the end that I was taking him there for his own benefit.... not for mine.

Ok.... that's enough analysis for today.... I will be back with more soon.

Home 1

Ok so I made it back to my birth town with bf. Forgive me for any typos as I am writing from my new iPhone. I did say I'd get one. Yay!
The trip has been going better than expected. Bf has been behaving mostly well. I got to see my grandma and my sister, bf is not my sister's biggest fan but he isn't causing too much difficulty. I just know that things could be easier with a native English speaker. Or at least if bf could speak English.
I will update again soon I hope. I am missing the blog world a lot.

New York

How long have we been away for? 4 days?.... yeah well we already got into a massive argument. Things started out ok, we even had sex on our first night in NY but heck... this is not good.

I don't get it. We were under some stress because we got off to a bad start here, the people who were supposed to host us backed out at the last minute... like 11pm on the night before we were leaving home. And luckily they got us a hotel but only for 3 nights and we had to find our own hotel for the rest. We got screwed over by an internet company for hotel bookings, and so there was a stupid, who's to blame game going on yesterday. I was right... bf recognized that afterwards, but in the meantime he told me that I was "completely crazy" and that I should be in a loonie bin. Which I got upset about because I didn't think it was necessary to use insults.

Then our friends took us out to do some sightseeng and were asking him questions about what he wanted to do and see, and he honestly hadn't looked into anything before coming here so he didn't really have any answers. But they kept suggesting things. I was translating everything of course, and they kept asking him questions about what he wanted to do and then he blew up at me saying that why don't I tell them what I want to do he obviously hadn't understood the situation... it was uncomfortable, because they were trying to be nice and it sounded like he was getting angry at them. So they ended up not saying much else on the topic after that.

On the up side I got an iPhone... but I don't have a sim card for it yet so sadly I can't use it.

We have another three days here, we'll see how it goes.

Puzzle solved?

I've had a little opportunity to think in the past day or so. And I may have figured the whole thing out. The whole story with Co-w is getting clearer by the day. I think that I probably knew what was going on, but I was trying to ignore it since I had just gotten back from London with Rob.

A few points first:

- What happened in Greece feels like an unfinished symphony to me. It was beautifully intense, possibly morally worse than sex and I regret not having sex with him to a degree... but not completely. It feels rather unresolved though.

- He has been dropping all sorts of strange questions on me for ages, I'm talking months now. The majority of them were in Greece though and I answered him according to my mental state at that time which was confused because of my time with Rob.

The facts: 

- He asked me if I was in love months ago (mentioned in a blog post... god only knows which one) and I said yes, but I wasn't referring to bf. He asked me again in Greece and I answered "sometimes" (referring specifically to bf this time).

- He told me about his dating mostly Tauruses and Virgos and hinting at the fact that I too am a Taurus.

- He kept insisting on the fact that we have such "a great energy together", within the same context as dating Tauruses and whether I was in love with my bf, same conversation.

- He asked me at least twice in greece (maybe another 2 times in Italy) why I had run my hands through his hair the night of the concert. Once I answered because I just wanted to, and the other because I wanted to tease him. At the second answer he got all reactive and said .... "oooh, now see, that's the kind of answer I was expecting". That second question was while we were in bed on the last night there. The first answer hadn't satisfied him.

- When talking about having sex while in Greece. He asked me quite seriously if we should, and I answered no because "it would be too easy" meaning that it was too obvious. His answer to that was "what? Would it be more challenging in the bathroom at work?" As if to say, better to do it here.

My conclusions:

I think I misread everything. I was totally convinced from the beginning that he didn't want to get into anything with me. There were two things he said that gave me that impression.

- One: at the airport when he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and that he didn't want to get into anything but adding that we were all adults and we are all capable of handling situations.

- Two: in Greece when he said that he's a bastard because he tends to lead people on without actually having a reason to.

Ok, so those are two huge statements against all the pros up top. But please tell me if I'm missing something, doesn't it sound like he's been trying to figure out whether I'd be interested enough in him to drop bf? See... all the puzzle pieces make sense to me now.

I feel like I should outright ask him. Tell him that I'm slow at understanding things. I won't of course go ask him something like that. But this feels kinda big to me. I think I knew it deep down in my gut while we were there. But I was afraid of getting more confused, making my situation worse. I probably was ignoring most signs. But I should have hashed it out directly with him there rather than ignore things and try to piece them together later.

I think his last comment, the one about "going to hell" was that he now feels like I've been leading him on.
And my text saying that I miss him probably confused him, making him think that I'm in love with him. Which is why he told me not to send that kind of message anymore.

I am slow at this kind of thing... I feel kinda dumb really in a certain sense... it seems rather obvious. But on the other I still have my doubts. Huge ones.

____________________________________________

I leave for NY tomorrow. I haven't been feeling well, perhaps due to all this thinking. I've been getting minor panic attacks, a three day headache and an upset tummy.
I dreamt about co-w early this morning and woke up feeling unsettled, he had sent me three emails that I wanted to read. I woke up before I could see them. I was sure there would be a love letter among them, admitting all his love for me. I can't get him out of my head and I was tempted to text him today telling him to get out of my head. I still have 2.5 hours before he gets off work... I could still do that. But it's probably not such a good idea.

I will be travelling for 50 days and I don't know how often I'll be able to update. There are portions of our trip where we won't have internet, and other portions where we will have unlimited access. Please forgive my absence!